hey everyone! been busy past few days getting difficult child ready to go to her annual summer week with-dad. It'll be good for her they do fun stuff together, and good for us we need sleep and peace for a little bit. Before wedding wasn't feeling very well, joints were swelling, etc. we decided to wait till we got back to look into it. had blood work done they told me it was lyme. so, i went to specialist to get medications because that's what you do! Specialist examines me, gets all my past blood work for past several years and past info from doctors and tells me it isnt' lyme it is lung disease possible lung cancer. hmmm so yea i leave very thrown and confused, wasnt' expecting that. was expecting a script!! Went to gp, who than realizes i havent' had chest xray in two years and begins slightly melting down infront of me. he orders chest xray right away, went today, got it done go back to gp on monday to get results. their rushing it, and doctor isnt' in on weekends. they give me a picture of my lungs on a disk to give to future specialists. so yea i'm a freak as we all know and i spend an hour looking at it and self diagnosing comparing to pics of healthy lungs on the internet!! lol. anyway had to tell someone that. just one friend and husband know, wont' tell kids till we know what's what even than wont' if i can hide treatment and beat it (worst case scenario). lungs do not appear clear in xray as they have previous years. there are circles there is clouding, shadow in one area, etc. needless to say i went from smoking a pack three days ago when we got the news to smoking 5 a day. those are the ones when i want to kill a family member and instead light up. ah... thanks for letting me vent. monday feels like really far away. keep telling myself it's nothing, dr. was wrong, wait for xrays. i meditated today also. haven't in so long was hard to shut the voices off!!!!