Thoughts? Foster Parents, Your Thoughts?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Janna, Jan 24, 2007.

  1. Janna

    Janna New Member

    I, personally, think there is a big problem here with difficult child 2 and the "K's". The K's are the foster parents that difficult child 2 just left in December. He spent 16 months with them.

    I think anyone who reads this is going to know the history, so I'm not going to go through it all. But basically, with difficult child 2 getting in trouble so much in school, it was causing problems with the K's.

    So, this is what I think happened, and what I am gathering from bits and pieces of the story from all the liars and people trying to shut me out (and a piece or two from difficult child 2).

    I think Mrs. K gave difficult child 2 his consequence there on the last 3 day out of school suspension, that he was to do the 3 days in his room doing schoolwork. But, I think she did that AFTER the fact.

    I think Mr. K wanted difficult child 2 out. This is what I'm hearing as the story is. He wanted him out, and apparantley, Mrs. K must not really have TRULY wanted him out? But, she had to stick by Mr. K.

    So, bring us to today. Mrs. K has been calling me frequently. I'd say 4-5 times since difficult child 2 was removed. He's been out of there 5/6 weeks? So, around once a week.

    She emailed him a Christmas card (he was already removed then). He hasn't been in his email. You know how you send an e-card, and always get that note saying so and so read your card? Well, she never got one, because he never opened it.

    So, she tries to find out who the new foster parents are. She keeps asking me, do I know their names - where do they live, etc? Obviously, I know nothing, so I can't tell her anything.

    Now, many weeks after he's been removed from her home, she is messaging him on MySpace. Sending him notes asking him why he left, etc, etc. To me, this seems A) highly unprofessional, B) completely inappropriate and C) out of her boundary to be in.

    It almost seems like she is trying to compete against me for difficult child 2. She has a photo on her MySpace page showing difficult child 2 and one of her adoptive foster kids. The quotation underneath says "Only my boys". Okay, difficult child 2 is not your child.

    FYI - difficult child 2 called her mom and Mr. K dad through his entire stay there. This, obviously, made me highly uncomfortable and I thought it was totally inappropriate.

    I, luckily, can log into difficult child 2's MySpace stuff any time I want (I have the password - shhhhh :wink:) - but now that she has found him, I can only log in on days when he's there. Because, for example, it shows his last log in date was 1/22/2007. So, if I log in today, she's going to see "he" was online (when it was really me). That means she will message him and ask him why he was on and didn't reply to her. It's really, really getting almost obsessive.

    She only JUST started this MySpace page. I think, honestly, she only did this to communicate with difficult child 2.

    Then she makes a bulletin this morning. The title is "Bye". It says something about people on there being fake, and if they are her real friend, to make their own bulletin and title it bye too. Doing this will show that her "friends" in her MySpace are paying attention to her (weirddddddddddddd). Seeing as how its just her own children, me and difficult child 2 on her MySpace, I'd guess that it's directed at him? She's looking for more attention from him? He's apparantley not communicating with her as much as she wants?

    Does this sound normal to you foster mothers? I do not think all this communication from her is appropriate. She CLAIMS she's only concerned about difficult child 2, but she did tell me I can't tell anyone she's communicating with him, so I already know it's probably not allowed.

    And of course, I haven't logged into difficult child 2's site yet to see what he's sending to her. As soon as I get a day he's on there, I'm in though. He did post a comment on her page that said hi, things are good, I might move home to my mom's!!! (which, that's another story, and no, he's probably not going to) - and right away, that's when she called me. Like, obsessed, again.

    Something is definately going on with this foster mother. Like I said, it's almost obsessive. Something just isn't right here, and I don't know how to stop it.

    I dont want to hurt her. She took care of my child for 13 months. I don't want to seem unsympathetic, I just need her to give me and my son some space. It's almost like she's trying to come between the two of us. Calling him her kid? That's really bizarre.

    I know I'm missing some stuff. I'm sorry.

  2. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    That's very unprofessional and bizarre. I think there's a way you can hide the last login date on myspace from showing up. Do you think difficult child would notice if you did that?

  3. Lori4ever

    Lori4ever New Member

    I'm not a foster mother, but this does seem a little obsessive. Is there a way to approach someone to try to stop this. It just seems really abnormal to me.
  4. Janna

    Janna New Member

    I don't know, Nancy. I don't think it's difficult child that would notice. My concern is Mrs. K seeing it and then saying something to him.

    I think difficult child 2 is kinda dumb regarding the site LOL! He actually removed me from his friends list one time when he was angry with me. I went in to his MySpace, sent myself a new invite, accepted my invite on his space myself LOL, then went to his email and deleted everything.

    When he logged back in, I was back in his friends list, and he never said a word about anything. Like he didn't realize I had put myself back into his list, or maybe he thought he didn't delete me right.

    So, I guess I could get away with that, do you know where that would be to take that out or change that? I'll go look in my account and see (yep, I signed up so I can spy!!!!!!).
  5. Fran

    Fran Former Site Owner

    Unfortunately, I don't know anything about foster care or the dynamics of raising a child for 13 months and then seeing him go.
    I would and am very cautious about bonds with my kids and other adults. She should not be enticing him to return communication with her if it's against the rules. She needs to be told to back off by someone.
    Even if her intent is admirable, I wouldn't want her to somehow sabotage the relationship with new fosters.
  6. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    ROFL Janna. I'm not one of my difficult child's friends but I did click on the link for "forgot my password" and they emailed her(me) the password. Since I know the password to her email account I was able to get it and then delete any trace of it. So now I can get into her myspace account and do whatever I want. I have even deleted some of her questionable friends and canceled some of her friend requests in the past. Anything to keep her safe.

    I'll go snoop aroound and see if I can find out how to hide the last login date and let you know. My difficult child must be as dumb as yours about this cuz I read her myspace everyday before she gets home from school and she never notices.

  7. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You know...this would make me quite uncomfortable. Cory was in a group home for several months with some people that really were fond of him. We really liked them too. After he left they even contacted his case manager and passed the word on to us to bring him by because they had bought him Xmas presents. They also contacted the case manager and asked if they could call Cory from time to time. We said yes. Notice...they asked first. Eventually they must have lost our number but every so often his old case manager will see me and tell me those people have asked her about Cory. They didnt stalk him. It was a call maybe every few months just to say Hi.

    With all the placements we have been in nothing like this has gone on. I have worked in social services and there is such a thing as privacy. You cant bridge a clients privacy and that is what she is doing. I couldnt even say hello to a client in a store unless they approached me first.
  8. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts


    This is totally out of line. While difficult child may indeed have been a part of her happy little "family" that has ended on not quite a clear or happy note.

    Having said that, I know of many former foster kids who keep in contact with prior foster parents. In those cases, the foster homes were very long term & the only stability many of these children had.

    I wonder if the K's aren't missing out on the income? Hmmmm Makes you wonder.
  9. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member


    I don't have any experience with foster care but I do want to compliment you on your MySpace sleuthing skills.

    Very impressive! :smile:

  10. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    I agree, this sounds like VERY unprofessional behavior for a foster parent. And messaging him on MySpace like another kid would do is very juvenile and downright bizarre! Is there someone in the foster care system that you could report this to? If "The System" wanted her to know where he was, they would have told her! No way should she be secretly contacting him!

    I went through all the training, home studies and certifications to become a foster parent, then decided that it just was not something that I could do while I was still working full time. I am considering taking early retirement and will persue it then. But the main thing we were taught is that you love and care for them like your own while you have them, with the full understanding that you are just a SUBSTITUTE for the parents, and that someday this child WILL leave you. You are to NEVER speak badly of the bio family, you present them in the most positive light, and the main goal is usually reunification with the bio family, if at all possible. It is NOT a competition! And when they do leave you, for whatever reason, even if you do not agree with their next placement, you project a positive and encouraging attitude to the child to ease their transition to another home, no matter how hard it is for you personally. It's about THE CHILD and their best interests ... not about YOU, the foster parent! This woman seems to be a lot more concerned with how they feel about HER and her own emotions and feelings than she is about the children under her care. She's breaking lots and lots of rules here. If someone in our foster care system were doing what this lady is doing, they wouldn't be a foster parent for very long!
  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Janna, tell somebody about her. That's spooky. She said she wanted him out. If she didn't, she should have told that to a social worker. If she wanted continued contact, she should have asked if it was all right. She would have probably been told no (just a guess). She doesn't sound like she can let go of him. As far as I know, when a child was removed from our care, we couldn't see that child anymore, but sometimes the kids did call us. But we never initiated it. It wasn't our place. I know you don't like your social workers, and I DON'T BLAME YOU, but somebody should know that she is going to scary extremes to contact your boy. Looking for him on MySpace is spooky to me.
  12. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    ROFL Nancy!!! I'll remember this so I can snoop on my daughter when she's a teen. After my last teenager, I'm going to be paranoid! :smile:
  13. Lothlorien

    Lothlorien Active Member Staff Member

    I really don't know, but do you think that she just got close to him and just cares about him? If you cared for a child for over a year, wouldn't you share a little love for him and want to know that he's okay? Maybe I'm wrong, but perhaps that's all it is.
  14. Stella Johnson

    Stella Johnson Active Member

    That is just weird and completely inappropriate. I would report her.

    Also, showing pics of foster children is usually a breech of confidentiality.

  15. dreamer

    dreamer New Member

    I have been confused by the Ks all along, but I am not sure if I misunderstood or missed some of the stuff. I thought first they wanted to KEEP GG2 permanantly--and even went to court and said so? I do not remember if they wanted to adopt him, but am thinking they did want to adopt him.....but then you said no?? and then not long after- they did NOT want him AT ALL.....but somewhere in there first difficult child 2 wanted to stay with them permanant, but then didn't want to and made accusations against them, so they lost him to new placement?

    I for one have VERY little trust in case managers etc.....but I am biased by my personal experiences and from reading the records, charts and files from my oldest difficult child, youngest, me, and husband. There was so little facts and truth about anything in ANY of our records----even about the simplest tiniest things-----to the point I was certain they gave us the wrong files. (and of course charged us per page to the tune of several thousands of dollars)
    None of the medications were right, one of the names of workers tdocs etc were right, not even the respite agency....and any incidents? what we were TOLD in person by those people did not match up AT ALL to what was in the files. They had us saying things we never said and did not show the things we really did say.
    So---I have zero trust and I always assumed it was that way becuz then it would be such a nitemare mess of paperwork, it would be useless....but it maybe was some warped way for them to CYA? so what I eventually decided was it was somuch pass the buck, CYA and get this out of being MY problem, move it along.
    Yes we did have a respite worker the county sent to us that WE had called CPS on several times for beating her foster kids..she lived across the street from us......I am certain she was not quite right, she hollered across the street to me one day when son was a toddler telling me he was not hers and to go, we were going from our car into our house, we were NOT anywhere near her.
    BUT somehow she HAD fosters AND she was a county supplied respite worker.

    So- who knows what the REAL story was when Ks and your difficult child 2 parted ways. Yeah, you have your "official story" and you have GFG2s story and I suppose by now you have Mrs Ks story.........and maybe somewhere in between those stories might be parts of the truth.
    And maybe your GFG2s accusations were valid and legit? even liars and manipulators CAN tell the truth sometimes. (yes sadly, how does anyone know when they cry wolf too often?)

    Anyway, all that to say this- I was concerned when first Ks seemed to want him permanantly and then so very quickly they seemed to let go. seeemed to me they let go far far too easily for someone who had just so recently wanted to keep him. (altho- again- I might have it wrong, might have missed some)

    Yes, it does sound like something is VERY VERY not right....
    I do understand what Loth said.....and yes, that would SEEM to be the most humane..... but I tend to wonder what MWM said---if Mrs K wanted visitation or whatever------did she even ASK the authorities etc? if not WHY NOT? It does seeem to me that when a child is the age of difficult child 2 I would think (but could be wrong) that if the child wanted to have a relationship with the fosters-----so long as nothing untoward went on, maybe it could be granted.....but has anyone asked difficult child 2 what HE would want re this situation? -in PRIVATE where he would not have to face the Ks?
    I sure hope she does not have any other fosters and hope she is not getting any more if she cannot let go of them per the rules for fostering. I never fostered altho was screeened 20 yrs ago---exactly becuz I feared I would have difficulty letting go. (which IS unfair to the children and to the parents)

    The more I hear of other peoples problems with fosters, RTCs etc.the more glad I am I refused to be swayed to any of those options, to me they all sound more difficult, more chaaotic and more harmful to everyone involved than ever.
    Janna? it sounds like a NITEMARE. I am sorry you have to be dealing with this bogus crap. I am sure this is NOT what you had in mind.
  16. Janna

    Janna New Member

    It is very uncomfortable, Janet. Thank you everyone.

    No, dreamer, you missed nothing, you had it right. And yes, reunification WAS, IS and ALWAYS HAS BEEN the goal.

    He went there short term when we moved here in Nov.l 2005. He was to be there no more than 6 months then reunify. Alas, problems in schools, problems with him doing counseling, problems and more problems, and reunification kept getting put off.

    But yes, you have the gist. They wanted him permanent. Wanted me to have a "secret" meeting with them, no caseworkers involved. They wanted to do that adoption where there were no caseworkers involved, but I still had rights (can't remember what that's called).

    Then difficult child 2's behaviors in school worsened. I think Mrs. K always wanted difficult child 2 to stay. She did tell the judge he was an angel with them, part of her family, referred to him as her son?!?!?!?!?!?! Freaking insane.

    Then, out of the blue, Mr. K was tired of it all. So was she, but I think she would have tolerated it, but Mr. K wasn't taking it anymore. And I don't blame him.

    So, when it started getting worse, Mr. K said enough's enough. Actually, Mr. K told the foster care social worker that if difficult child 2 was bad in school one more time, he was out, then claimed that was a "scare tactic" to force him to be good, but didn't really mean it.

    As the trailer park turns, man (no offense to people in trailers, they live in a park, so I'm trying to be sarcastic).

    Yep, this whole thing sucks. Now, they want to know what I wanna do. That's another story entirely for another day.

    I can't figure out how to get that date off the stupid MySpace page. Anyone help me with this yet?

  17. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    I looked around on my myspace and couldn't find anything. I im'd a computer guru friend of mine (ahem, excuse GODDESS. she's picky like that! lol) and she's going to check into it. I also emailed myspace and asked about it. I'll let you know when I hear from one of them!

    And, Mrs. K sounds like a (professional term here) complete whack job when it comes to the kids. I would definately do something about it.
  18. Janna

    Janna New Member

    Post deleted by Janna
  19. dreamer

    dreamer New Member

    whats sad is -------did she mess him up MORE?
    did she have something to do with some of his more recent problems?
    Ug. yeah- it sucks.
  20. kris

    kris New Member

    <font color="purple">janna, i checked with-my own personal myspace maven (that would be jarrod). he said the log in date cannot be changed nor deleted.

    as for foster mom & her inappropriate behaviors ~~~ and boy are they ever inappropriate! i've got one word for you....document...document....document (one word just repeated three times lol). print out the stuff she's posting on her myspace, his myspace. log each phone call along with-content. make copies....send them to everyone in the agency she works for. keep originals for when they are actually needed....print two copies of everything so you always have an original.

    there are ways to set up continued contact if that's what you & she really wants....and difficult child as well. what she's doing is not the way...and she full well knows it.

    kris </font>