Through difficult child out of the car this morning...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by DramaQueenLucy, Apr 18, 2011.

  1. DramaQueenLucy

    DramaQueenLucy New Member

    Joe missed the bus this morning. This has happened a few times since I took the car from him. This morning I knocked on his door and asked "Hey do you know what time it is?" He answers me "I set my alarm." So I leave it like that and go to make sure Jacob is up (he is not a morning kiddo) and go on with getting myself ready to leave.

    About 5 minutes before I am set to leave with Jacob, Joe comes out of his room dressed. He is assuming I would drive him. I tell him that I will drive him this time only because I have a little extra time this morning but not to count on it in the future. He goes on to try to convince me that his alarm is really to blame for him being late because he lost his iphone and has to use my old blackberry. He accidental set the alarm for PM not AM. I calmly tell him that a boss would not take that excuses and that he should keep it in mind since he is now looking for a job.

    After we are all piled in the car to leave, the phone rings and it's my mother, of course, I swear she knows when difficult child is in trouble and calls to try and talk me out of punishing him...ugh I explain everything that happened this morning as soon as I tell her about his alarm, Joe turns to me and snaps "love you too"

    I was in no mood for his junk this morning so I tell him get out of my car. He gets out mumbling about packing his stuff. I take my little guy to school and drop him off as calm as can be and then go back by the house to make sure he hasn't decided that he would skip school and blame me for it. I had just turned down the road. When he drives up in the car he isn't supposed to be driving and that means that the key he 'lost' was 'found'...I know he had the key. I stop him and he turns around parking the car and then walking up to the van. He is now scowling at me but I ignore it and tell him I want the house keys and the car key. He hands them over through the window and goes to open the door.

    Told him no that he needed to walk to school. That if had wanted a ride he should have thought of that before he gave me a tude. He once again mumbles about packing his stuff. I wait for him to start to walk pull up in front of him so I can watch him in my rear view mirror. I see him talking on the phone and not surprisingly my phone rings just a minute later. Shock it my mother "Joe says that your not going to call him in late to school...." She goes on to tell me how important school is blah blah blah. I tell her that Joe had a choice if he hadn't given me a tude then he would be at school right now but because he did now he is walking. I'm not going to reward him by allowing him to use the car or driving him myself maybe next time he will think before he treats me badly. She drops it finally!

    The elementary bus is now going through the neighborhood difficult child stops the bus and then gets on it. The driver must have dropped Joe off at the high school. He barely walked around the corner...sheesh

    The high school called me about 10 minutes after I got to work. It was Joe saying that the school needs to talk to me about him being late. I told them he missed the bus, true yeah but I came close to having them count him truant. Who knows what it's gonna be like tonight. Think I'll take a list of shelters home with me tonight.

    Thanks for letting me vent :2dissapointed:
     
  2. Mom2oddson

    Mom2oddson Active Member

    {{{Hugs}}}

    For what it's worth, you did the right thing making Joe walk to school. He's 19. He's old enough to get up, get ready and to get to school on time all by himself.

    I'm sorry to hear about your Mom putting her nose where it doesn't belong. Maybe if you explained to her that you are trying to raise a child into adulthood and that means making him responsible for his own life, she's might back off a little?
     
  3. DramaQueenLucy

    DramaQueenLucy New Member

    In other breaking news today: My mother has now won a trip to Egypt because she lives in deNILE

    Quote "He is a teenager they give their parents tudes. Now just calm down. He did get to school didn't he?":919Mad:
     
  4. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Lucy,

    From today on? When you see your Mother's number pop up on your phone in the morning? You DO NOT HAVE TIME TO TALK TO HER. You are busy, you are rushing and you will set aside a time LATER to talk to her. You are a single Mother to two boys, (one of which is playing Monkey in the middle - and you are running out of bananas!). Stop engaging your Mom - I'm sure she'd appreciate it too. As far as making him walk? BRAVO!!!!! Well done! If it takes you going to the school and talking to the principal and explaining TOUGH LOVE and CONSEQUENCES to HIM/HER? Do it. Explain you will NOT be held over a barrel by a 19 year old an that THIS IS WHAT REAL parents do when 19 year olds try to black mail parents into 'look what I can do to you Mommy". Then see if they will agree to help you - NOT punish you.

    Them calling you and having a 'Talk" about Getting little JOESEPH up for school is kaka. Little Joseph is 19 - he needs to get himself up. If the phone isn't going to set itself - he needs to rake a lawn, save his money, and buy a reliable alarm clock like HIS MOTHER HAS. END OF CONVERSATION. and yes I say "LITTLE JOSEPH" not JOE - because if he's going to act like a baby - he should be called -= little joeseph. When he acts like a man - I'd call him joseph.

    YOU GO GIRL _ YOU SO ROCK! WARRIOR MOM IS A BAD MAMMA JAMMA! and still got to work! WOW! I am impressed!
     
  5. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Yup, you done superb Lucy!!

    Now as far as your mom goes? Hon you're a grown up, raising your own kids. You don't have to answer the phone because you see your mom's number. If fact, I advise in the future when difficult child is in "trouble" that you totally ignore any phone calls from gramma. If you do feel compelled to answer try this.......Mom, I love you dearly, but BACK OFF. And hang up the phone. You know why she is calling, she knows why she is calling. She'll get the message. I know that can be hard to do with a parent, but when they're doing their best to undo everything you're trying to do.......you've got to set firm boundaries and start treating them as if they're difficult children too.

    ((hugs))
     
  6. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    ...Just something I have done... I refuse to talk to my parents about the kids, with the kids in earshot. Would this help you?

    And - if I insist my 12-y/o get himself up - "little Joseph" can do it too...
     
  7. DramaQueenLucy

    DramaQueenLucy New Member

    :bigsmile:
     
  8. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Hugs, Lucy. My mom did (does) the same thing with Miss KT. You did the right thing by tossing his happy butt out of the car...stay strong!
     
  9. DramaQueenLucy

    DramaQueenLucy New Member

    My mom is never going to change so I'm going to have to face some hard truths. I don't have any choice but to ignore her calls during times that Joe is acting up. The problem is going to be that she will tell him to put me on the phone and then I'm going to have to tell her that I'm not going to talk about anything then and call her back. I can see it being an issue with her controlling personality but it's gotta be done...She'll get it sooner or later...sheesh!

    by the way difficult child called me while on the bus this afternoon. Asked me if I was kicking him out. I told him that I said nothing about kicking him out of the house he however did talk about packing his 'stuff' so if he wants to leave then I'm not going to stop him. He quickly turned around and apologized for his behavior.
     
  10. DramaQueenLucy

    DramaQueenLucy New Member

    This have totally exploded since he came home.

    Joe pushed me to my limit when he got home. He told me I was crazy and that he did nothing wrong. He tried to manipulate me and I lost it. Told him to get the hell out of my house. He grabbed his bag and a pair of tennis shoes and took off.
    I'm numb...don't know what to feel. I called my mother knowing that he would call her and told her that if she wanted him then send money for a ticket and she could have him.
     
  11. HereWeGoAgain

    HereWeGoAgain Grandpa

    Let's see, he was muttering all day about packing his stuff, called from the bus to ask if you were kicking him out, and apparently had a bag packed or at least was able to do so in short order. It would seem that he wants to leave but have it be "your fault" for kicking him out, maybe to garner sympathy from others or have your mother come down on you to back off from him or both.

    Has he left home before now?

    How did your mother react to the call? What is the likelihood of him actually going to live with gramma? Might be a real eye-opener for her if he did. Or she might be a world-class enabler, but it would be a break for you... how would little brother feel about him being gone?
     
  12. DramaQueenLucy

    DramaQueenLucy New Member

    Well my Mother doesn't want him to live with her she just wants to control the situation out here. He called her complaining that I kicked him out and that he was going to a friends house. I told her that if she didn't want him to live with her then to stop getting involved in these types of things. They are between him and me...not you.

    He has never left home before. He has said more then a few times that I want him gone as soon as he graduates. I never said it but that didn't stop him from telling people.

    I'm sick of the constant disrespect that comes out of his mouth. The worst part is that he is teaching Jacob to do the same things. Jacob is glad he is gone. Joe snaps at him and teases him a lot.
     
  13. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Ugh! What a horrible day!

    Yes, it does sound like Joe wants (or needs) to make you the "bad guy"....otherwise he'd have to take some responsibility for himself.

    And calling Grandma? Sounds like a kid who thinks "I'll move out and THEN she'll be sorry!"...and how will he make sure you are "sorry" ? By making sure Grandma yells at you for being mean!

    Joe needs to grow up a little. I think you've taught him a wonderful lesson today.

    Good for you!!!

    and (((Hugs))) for your Mommy Heart...
     
  14. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Hugs, Lucy. I understand. Miss KT actually did go to live with my mother for about 9 months. Of course you have to be the bad guy...heaven forbid a difficult child would be wrong about something! And getting your mommy to yell at you because difficult child isn't happy...yep, we had that too.

    Unless you want difficult child popping in, you might want to change the locks. If he's vindictive, you may come home one day to missing and destroyed property.
     
  15. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Good job, mom!:bravo:
     
  16. elizabrary

    elizabrary Member

    Sorry all this is going on. I know it sucks and you are stressed. But you did make me laugh about how your mom doesn't want him to actually live with her, just control the situation. Everyone has plenty of ideas about what we are doing wrong and how we should be handling the sitution, but they certainly shut up when faced with the prospect of actually having to deal with our wonderful difficult children themselves!
     
  17. KFld

    KFld New Member

    Great job on your part!! Glad to hear you didn't put up with his tude and stood your ground.
     
  18. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Lucy,

    GOOD JOB GIRL!

    One thing does come to mind since he's 19 and I'm not sure what the laws are in Oklahoma. Just FYI and you handle it however you want, but just know there may be consequences for YOU - so FYI

    1.) A minor child may be considered a runaway and without a police report a PARENT may be liable for NOT reporting him/her. So you may need to call your local police station and make a report DAILY until he returns. This covers YOU (not necessarily him) in case he does something, or something happens to him while he is out of your home. Not sure if 18 is a minor or 21 is a minor in OK. I'd call the police and find out. I know - it's peaceful, but you may still be responsible for him in the eyes of the law.

    2.) If he IS a minor? And you change the locks? There is another legal quagmire for you - so ask about that - It sounds good, but in some states it can/could get you into trouble with child protective services. Heck - we considered moving. (not kidding)

    3.) If it IS NOT illegal and he is NOT a minor - Change the locks, and LEGALLY box up his stuff and send him written notice with return receipt and give him XX amount of days to claim his belongings. Then if he doesn't get them - donate them. Explain that in the letter. Then curb them or call Salvation Army etc.

    4.) RE: Your Mom. Huh? All of a sudden she doesn't want him? No advice? Amazing - guess who has the upper hand now? USE THIS TO YOUR ADVANTAGE - and I mean it. If there is a next time Joseph calls her and hands you the phone? Say something like "Mom, I can't talk right now, Joseph is being disrespectful to me, I'll call you later, or Mom, This conversation is between my son and myself, sorry Joseph is involving you again, this isn't your problem. Mom, Joseph is triangulating you into his problems again like a child, I'll have to call you later (and explain triangulation to her so she knows not to answer his calls for at least 30 minutes)."

    5.) IF YOU DO allow him to come back home now? RULES, RULES, RULES and CONSEQUENCES, CONSEQUENCES, CONSEQUENCES, - and GOALS, GOALS, GOALS - and STICK TO THEM WITH DATES - and post them on the fridge. make a copy - and YOU AND HIM SIGN - and don't waiver -------he breaks a rule - it's a done deal. He wanted to be Mr. Big - LET HIM. He's 19 - lots of kids find their way at 19 -

    Make a list of things you want DONE AROUND YOUR HOUSE - and LET HIM FINISH IT........he's not a doll, he won't break. If something does break - TELL HIM TO FIX IT - and get it done. Tell yourself - the day he left? Is the day he became and claimed HIMSELF a man - so start treating him like one. Apparently that's what he wants - he gets man responsibilities, man treatment, man chores, man goals, man conversation. Man answers. Yes - NO - no long drawn out explainations.

    GOT IT? SISTER!~!!!!!

    (((((((((((((SENDING YOU POWER!!!!!))))))))))))))))))))

    Like KFLD said - KEEP YOUR GROUND......You fought for it - now keep it!!!!!!!!!! Grrrrrrrrrrrr GRRRRRRrrrrrrr
     
  19. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Star is absolutely on the money about if he comes home again. Get that contract with him. You will need it, trust me.
     
  20. DramaQueenLucy

    DramaQueenLucy New Member

    I just want to thank everyone for there help and support you don't know what it means to me.

    Well he wants to come back. He called last night asking. Now he is at my nieces house. Hum...guess those friends couldn't put him up for long. There is going to have to be change for him to be able to live here. He will need to get insurance and see both a medication doctor and a therapy doctor. He will need to get a job and I will be making up a lease and a contract. Both would have to be signed and notarized before he'll be allowed to set one foot back in this house.
     
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