Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
General Discussions
The Watercooler
Time for an update—how are things going?
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 748904" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Gosh. Overcome Mom. I don't see how you can have your son come home with your husband with health problems related to his heart, and their history of conflict.</p><p></p><p>This pattern with your son, by reading your signature, has been going on nearly a decade. There seems to be little effort on your son's part to turn it around. This is not to say he can't turn it around. He can. But where is the good faith? He just keeps digging in deeper.</p><p></p><p>An alternative to a homeless shelter for your son would be a sober living house. My son lived in one. For indigents, it was free. Free program, room and board, the only requirements being sobriety, program and volunteer work. This program was run by the rescue mission. There are places like this all over the country. There is an advantage to not being in your home town. You are away from your running buddies. People in situations like your son is go directly to these programs after leaving jail. Another alternative would be Salvation Army. Same deal.</p><p></p><p>The thing is, our kids often do not like the structure of these programs, and they don't like the rules. My son was unwilling to not smoke marijuana. He prefers homelessness. He liked the sober living home. He didn't like the control and rules. What in the world can we do, if this is the case? They are adults. They have the right to decide how they live.<u> But realize this: This is his choice. Not yours. Not your husband's.</u></p><p></p><p>You are not obligated to help him, if he us unwilling to help himself. I might offer to research options for him. Might. But be prepared for venom if you set a limit. See how he reacts. And then if he mouths off, I would back off. The important thing here is the health and well-being of you and your husband. Son is an adult man. Who has made (and keeps making) choices that land him in ever greater difficulty. There are programs that give a hand. You are not a program. Nor am I.</p><p></p><p>Of course our sons matter. There is mental health treatment in jail. Is your son participating? Has he gotten a diagnosis? Is he seeking out treatment? Is he going to NA or AA, if they are available?</p><p></p><p>The question here for son is this: <em>What does he plan to do differently this time? Where will he go? What will he do? What responsibility for himself and his life will he take? </em></p><p><em></em></p><p>I am sorry. There is a time when this needs to shift.<u> But first it has to shift in your mind</u>.</p><p>Son is coming up with the only question he seems to care about: <em>What will you do for me?</em></p><p><em></em></p><p>My own child has some of the same issues. He is paying one hundred dollars a week to live in a garden shed. No toilet. No shower. No kitchen. No laundry. Sleeping on dirt. I hate it. But somehow he got the picture that it was inappropriate to keep asking for bailouts. He will not ask anymore. Yet I offer.</p><p></p><p>There have been too many times when his coming home has erupted into the same problems you folks deal with. Now my son is very hesitant to come home. Because he knows now he will be thrown out, if x, y, and z happens, and the police will be called. Over and over again, if need be.</p><p></p><p>I don't think it is necessarily that he is taking responsibility. I think his reticence in coming home is that he knows now that I am not playing. There are rules. I will react. I think this is his reluctance. I won't play anymore. I will suffer for him. Yes. But I won't be the fall guy. Nor should you be. Nor should your husband.</p><p></p><p>Nobody wants drama anymore. But I struggle like you do. I cannot bear his being out there. Fortunately, there is a second home I own, so I am somewhat insulated. But not entirely. Because I won't let him live like a dog there either. Oh how I know the pain of this.</p><p></p><p>I can see the writing on the wall in your case. It is much harder in my own. I admit it. But my son has not been in jail, there has been no criminality. He got himself on SSI. He does not use hard drugs. I am not saying I don't have huge problems. I do. But I am making the distinction here that your situation (with son) is more black and white.</p><p></p><p>How in the world can you have a man with an untreated drug addiction (with a history of arrest, prison, untreated mental illness, jail, etc.) in or near a home with an ill man and a mother who has handled as much or more than she can? I don't see how. Really, I don't.</p><p></p><p>I hope you keep posting. It will help.</p><p></p><p>PS. The fines, restitution, transportation, treatment--all of this--are son's issues to deal with, not yours. There is all kinds of support for him to deal with this, if he chooses to avail himself of it. You are NOT his only resource. You are his preferred resource. You are option A. Because you are easier, more convenient, more compliant and flexible. I am sorry. He has gotten a better deal through you. Up until now.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 748904, member: 18958"] Gosh. Overcome Mom. I don't see how you can have your son come home with your husband with health problems related to his heart, and their history of conflict. This pattern with your son, by reading your signature, has been going on nearly a decade. There seems to be little effort on your son's part to turn it around. This is not to say he can't turn it around. He can. But where is the good faith? He just keeps digging in deeper. An alternative to a homeless shelter for your son would be a sober living house. My son lived in one. For indigents, it was free. Free program, room and board, the only requirements being sobriety, program and volunteer work. This program was run by the rescue mission. There are places like this all over the country. There is an advantage to not being in your home town. You are away from your running buddies. People in situations like your son is go directly to these programs after leaving jail. Another alternative would be Salvation Army. Same deal. The thing is, our kids often do not like the structure of these programs, and they don't like the rules. My son was unwilling to not smoke marijuana. He prefers homelessness. He liked the sober living home. He didn't like the control and rules. What in the world can we do, if this is the case? They are adults. They have the right to decide how they live.[U] But realize this: This is his choice. Not yours. Not your husband's.[/U] You are not obligated to help him, if he us unwilling to help himself. I might offer to research options for him. Might. But be prepared for venom if you set a limit. See how he reacts. And then if he mouths off, I would back off. The important thing here is the health and well-being of you and your husband. Son is an adult man. Who has made (and keeps making) choices that land him in ever greater difficulty. There are programs that give a hand. You are not a program. Nor am I. Of course our sons matter. There is mental health treatment in jail. Is your son participating? Has he gotten a diagnosis? Is he seeking out treatment? Is he going to NA or AA, if they are available? The question here for son is this: [I]What does he plan to do differently this time? Where will he go? What will he do? What responsibility for himself and his life will he take? [/I] I am sorry. There is a time when this needs to shift.[U] But first it has to shift in your mind[/U]. Son is coming up with the only question he seems to care about: [I]What will you do for me? [/I] My own child has some of the same issues. He is paying one hundred dollars a week to live in a garden shed. No toilet. No shower. No kitchen. No laundry. Sleeping on dirt. I hate it. But somehow he got the picture that it was inappropriate to keep asking for bailouts. He will not ask anymore. Yet I offer. There have been too many times when his coming home has erupted into the same problems you folks deal with. Now my son is very hesitant to come home. Because he knows now he will be thrown out, if x, y, and z happens, and the police will be called. Over and over again, if need be. I don't think it is necessarily that he is taking responsibility. I think his reticence in coming home is that he knows now that I am not playing. There are rules. I will react. I think this is his reluctance. I won't play anymore. I will suffer for him. Yes. But I won't be the fall guy. Nor should you be. Nor should your husband. Nobody wants drama anymore. But I struggle like you do. I cannot bear his being out there. Fortunately, there is a second home I own, so I am somewhat insulated. But not entirely. Because I won't let him live like a dog there either. Oh how I know the pain of this. I can see the writing on the wall in your case. It is much harder in my own. I admit it. But my son has not been in jail, there has been no criminality. He got himself on SSI. He does not use hard drugs. I am not saying I don't have huge problems. I do. But I am making the distinction here that your situation (with son) is more black and white. How in the world can you have a man with an untreated drug addiction (with a history of arrest, prison, untreated mental illness, jail, etc.) in or near a home with an ill man and a mother who has handled as much or more than she can? I don't see how. Really, I don't. I hope you keep posting. It will help. PS. The fines, restitution, transportation, treatment--all of this--are son's issues to deal with, not yours. There is all kinds of support for him to deal with this, if he chooses to avail himself of it. You are NOT his only resource. You are his preferred resource. You are option A. Because you are easier, more convenient, more compliant and flexible. I am sorry. He has gotten a better deal through you. Up until now. [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
General Discussions
The Watercooler
Time for an update—how are things going?
Top