Time for funnies!

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by witzend, Dec 3, 2007.

  1. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

  2. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

  3. HereWeGoAgain

    HereWeGoAgain Grandpa

    Regarding that last guy: I actually bought wife a vacuum cleaner for her birthday. However, it was in response to a specific order and I was promised in advance that the gift would not be held against me.
  4. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    You're a good man, HWGA. :wink:

    One year husband's big gift to me was a frying pan. Yes, it was an expensive frying pan, but... He thought that it was thoughtful because I could use it to make omelets, and he really enjoyed Sunday Morning family breakfasts. I was so mad he went out the day after Christmas and got me a lovely silk sweater. But he was confused ever after as to what to get me for Christmas, so now I only get what I ask for. Of course I never ask for diamonds, so this year I am getting a self-reeling hose...
  5. HereWeGoAgain

    HereWeGoAgain Grandpa

    Man's Guide to Buying Gifts For Your Wife:

    1. Reading subtle hints -- Wishes expressed during the execution of domestic tasks are not subtle hints, unless completely unrelated to the task. For instance, if your wife says "It sure would be nice to have an XYZ Food Processor" while preparing a meal: NOT a subtle hint. If she says "It sure would be nice to have a bottle of 'Beautiful' perfume -- 'Beautiful' is the actual name, not a generic description -- it's by Estee Lauder and it's available at Macy's for $59.95 at the cosmetics counter, which is open until 9 pm -- ask for Betsy, and tell her it's for me" while preparing a meal -- THAT is a subtle hint. Also, watch for things like a page torn out of a catalog, with a particular item circled in red, taped to your shaving mirror.

    2. Pay attention! wife will tell you what she really wants, but not when you're expecting it (like on December 23rd, just after you told her "Honey, I want a combination beer cooler/recliner/TV remote for Christmas, how about you?"). It will probably be in March or April, and will not be phrased as a suggestion or request at all. She'll probably describe what Judy's really romantic husband bought for her for her birthday and let you put two and two together.* (Caution: after the holiday, be prepared to be told that she clearly told you what she wanted and if you would've JUST LISTENED you would've known.)

    3. Do not ask, "Honey, what do you want for Christmas?" Statistically, there is only a 1.3% probability of receiving a direct answer to this question, and no chance at all of receiving a true answer. There is some psychology at work here. She will think it crass to just come out with a naked request** so she'll probably say something like, "Oh, whatever you get for me will be wonderful!" or "I don't want anything special, it's the thought that counts." DO NOT BELIEVE IT. Research continues as to the female substitution code in regard to this question but progress is limited; however a recent revelation by a confidential source has established that "self-reeling hose" is the substitution code for "diamond jewelry."

    4. Women do not regard power tools as romantic. I know, it doesn't make sense, but there it is. Trust me on this.

    5. Anything intended for use in the kitchen, such as an expensive frying pan that is perfect for making your favorite omelets, should be avoided like the plague.

    6. Anything intended for use in the bedroom and containing fewer then 64 square feet of fabric is off limits. See-through fabric does not count in the squre footage calculation.

    7. Accept that your taste is hopelessly awful. Whatever you get is going to be exchanged, so just get something very expensive, but not a gift card. The trick is to make it look like you put a lot of thought into it. She'll exchange it for a gift card, alright, but don't try to get all efficient and cut out the exchanging step. Besides, she'll probably feel somewhat guilty about exchanging the gift you put so much thought into and try to make up for it with (three letter word, rhymes with "ex", which is what you'll be if she finds out how much thought your really put into it).

    8. Clothing - be sure to deliberately buy three sizes too small. Be careful, though -- this can backfire if overdone. "You were thinking about Judy when you bought this, weren't you?"

    * Incorrect responses when wife talks about Judy's really romantic husband: "Who's Judy?" and/or "Well Judy's husband is gay."

    ** As opposed to requests made while naked; these generally are highly effective.
  6. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member


    Considered this one forwarded!

    by the way, #5 has a familiar ring to it. And I really do want a self reeling hose. LOL! But the diamonds part goes without saying, right?

  7. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    husband always gets me awesome gifts!!!! But he calls my BFF and asks her what to get me!!!
    He did get me a set of Knives last year, one year a rice steamer, a crock pot.... I love stuff like that!

    But because my Birthday is so close to Christmas he gets me something non-practical for my Birthday... he actually puts a lot of thought into it.
    We are getting each other nothing this year, and waiting until money is better and then, giving each other tattoos!!! not actually giving them to each other...
  8. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: totoro</div><div class="ubbcode-body">and waiting until money is better and then, giving each other tattoos!!! not actually giving them to each other... </div></div>

    Well, thank goodness for that!
  9. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    OMG - I give it three snorts - honest to pete you make it impossible to check this site at work without being busted for laughing.

    Thanks WITZ - that got fwd to a bunch of gals.

    The candypanties were my favorite.
  10. goldenguru

    goldenguru New Member

    That really was very hilarious.

    I was waiting for the man to come in with a piece of work out equipment wrapped around his body.

    Thanks for the laugh(s).
  11. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    HWGA, I just showed the whole thread to husband. He laughed and laughed and told me to tell you you're a good man.


    That's high praise! Thanks for the laugh, I needed it!
  12. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    Your Guide will be shown to my husband in the morning. Almost 25 yrs of marriage, and he still doesn't have a clue.

    :rofl: :rofl:
  13. Lothlorien

    Lothlorien Active Member Staff Member

    That's hysterical!!!!
  14. KFld

    KFld New Member

    That was hysterical.

    One year after I shopped for the entire family, including s2bx's family, up to about 2 days before xmas all I kept hearing him say was, I have no idea what to get you. I have no idea when I'm going to go shopping. So what would this tell you?? That he hadn't bought a thing yet and couldn't figure out what to buy or when to buy it when I was the only one he had to buy for. Of course I got upset, which made me the biggest B in the world and I heard about this for years how I was always so difficult around xmas :rofl:

    Well at least he doesn't have to worry about what to get me this year :smile:
  15. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Soooooo Witz -

    whatcha askin for this year? haha.