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Tiptoeing to a new place with difficult child
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<blockquote data-quote="Echolette" data-source="post: 621887" data-attributes="member: 17269"><p>So we had lunch together. As I had asked, he called me yestarday to confirm. As I had asked, he was waiting for me in a public lobby space near by office. </p><p></p><p>I read Child's post of her conversation with her son in the car..and I could see that she mostly just listened, didn't ask questions, didn't talk much. </p><p></p><p>She left after 10 minutes, though, and I knew I had an hour.</p><p></p><p>But I tried that tack any way...the one I use with his twin sister so easily...the one where I let them talk about who they are, and just prompt them along.</p><p></p><p>It isn't as easy with him.</p><p></p><p>He is still working as a delivery boy. He had the same job last fall but quit...I asked about that and he said he had never gotten a day off, and that he was shaping up that way again, but that he had brought in a friend and they had agreed to hire the friend as well so he wouldn't have to work every day...thus today off (if this is true).</p><p></p><p>He said he is happier there because he used to sit around waiting for deliveries, but now he fills the time with restocking and cleaning up and doing dishes. He said that the owners appreciate that and that feels good. He says he is happier now that he is working.</p><p></p><p>He talked about his SSI, about having lost his ID, about having lost his foodstamps and having to reapply. He said he was going to try to get into Covenant House (which I thought was for under 18 but he said no...and, for something new and different, I didn't argue). He talked about his living situation under the bridge. I asked about a few of his more dubious friends, including his recent ex girlfriend, last seen when she physically attacked him from behind while he was on the street...I asked about his dog, who he had put in a shelter. (the dog has since been adopted, or so difficult child tells me).</p><p></p><p>He said he feels better, that the job makes him feel like he has possibilities. I said I was never really sure how he felt, and didn't know that he felt bad before. We talked about whether he likes to spend time with "us" meaning family, and he said yes, as long as he isn't being yelled at and AS LONG AS HE IS DOING WELL.</p><p></p><p>In the end I told him that I am always available to help him when he is in a place of helping himself. I said I knew he could figure it out. He asked how he seemed to me, if he seemed to be doing better...I said that he seemed clearer in the head. And I said "you have told me often before about plans that you didn't follow through with, so I don't get too excited about plans. I want to be hopeful but I don't want to be stupid. But your thinking is good, and I'm glad you have a job.</p><p></p><p>I'm exhausted.</p><p></p><p>It took so much focus to not criticize, bring up the past, or make helpful suggestions. At times it took a lot to not throw open the mommy doors and offer him money food, clothes, and a long weekend with us (we are going to the mountains). I didn't do any of those things.</p><p></p><p>I think it felt good to him. It felt hard, sad, but right to me.</p><p></p><p>So that is where we are. Detaching with love. Radical accepantance. Effortful relationships. I don't know what all else, but I know for sure you all helped me get here. </p><p></p><p>Echo</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Echolette, post: 621887, member: 17269"] So we had lunch together. As I had asked, he called me yestarday to confirm. As I had asked, he was waiting for me in a public lobby space near by office. I read Child's post of her conversation with her son in the car..and I could see that she mostly just listened, didn't ask questions, didn't talk much. She left after 10 minutes, though, and I knew I had an hour. But I tried that tack any way...the one I use with his twin sister so easily...the one where I let them talk about who they are, and just prompt them along. It isn't as easy with him. He is still working as a delivery boy. He had the same job last fall but quit...I asked about that and he said he had never gotten a day off, and that he was shaping up that way again, but that he had brought in a friend and they had agreed to hire the friend as well so he wouldn't have to work every day...thus today off (if this is true). He said he is happier there because he used to sit around waiting for deliveries, but now he fills the time with restocking and cleaning up and doing dishes. He said that the owners appreciate that and that feels good. He says he is happier now that he is working. He talked about his SSI, about having lost his ID, about having lost his foodstamps and having to reapply. He said he was going to try to get into Covenant House (which I thought was for under 18 but he said no...and, for something new and different, I didn't argue). He talked about his living situation under the bridge. I asked about a few of his more dubious friends, including his recent ex girlfriend, last seen when she physically attacked him from behind while he was on the street...I asked about his dog, who he had put in a shelter. (the dog has since been adopted, or so difficult child tells me). He said he feels better, that the job makes him feel like he has possibilities. I said I was never really sure how he felt, and didn't know that he felt bad before. We talked about whether he likes to spend time with "us" meaning family, and he said yes, as long as he isn't being yelled at and AS LONG AS HE IS DOING WELL. In the end I told him that I am always available to help him when he is in a place of helping himself. I said I knew he could figure it out. He asked how he seemed to me, if he seemed to be doing better...I said that he seemed clearer in the head. And I said "you have told me often before about plans that you didn't follow through with, so I don't get too excited about plans. I want to be hopeful but I don't want to be stupid. But your thinking is good, and I'm glad you have a job. I'm exhausted. It took so much focus to not criticize, bring up the past, or make helpful suggestions. At times it took a lot to not throw open the mommy doors and offer him money food, clothes, and a long weekend with us (we are going to the mountains). I didn't do any of those things. I think it felt good to him. It felt hard, sad, but right to me. So that is where we are. Detaching with love. Radical accepantance. Effortful relationships. I don't know what all else, but I know for sure you all helped me get here. Echo [/QUOTE]
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