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Parent Emeritus
Tired of acting, tired of perfect family.
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 630292" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Welcome I don't know. Your story is very much like all of our stories. You are not sick, you are trying to help an adult who does not want to change. Your position is powerless. Stop comparing yourself to your family, The fact that you stopped drinking 20 years ago speaks volumes about your commitment to yourself, your courage, your tenacity, your strength and your character. Stop beating yourself up!</p><p></p><p>What we all require around here is truckloads of support. This landscape you're on is treacherous and devastating. Get yourself to an al anon meeting, or a CoDa meeting, or Families anonymous, or private therapy, or NAMI, which is the National Alliance on Mental Illness (you can access them online and they have chapters in many places........they have excellent courses and support for parents) Get some support immediately, so you can begin to detach from your sons choices and start to focus on YOU. You deserve to be happy and to feel peace and joy, you do not deserve to be miserable because of what your son does or doesn't do. The way you can make the leap out of where you are to where you want to be, is by getting support.</p><p></p><p>You may want to read the article at the bottom of my post here on detachment. You may want to buy the book, <u>Codependent no more </u>by Melodie Beattie. There is a lot of support for you here and in your life, you just have to look for it and accept it.</p><p></p><p>When you're at the family reunion, have a good time. If anyone asks how your son is, simply say, "he's still struggling." That usually makes people stop going any further. Or say, " I prefer not to talk about that now." You have the power to change your perceptions of your role with your son and you don't have to justify it to anyone else. Comparing ourselves to others only causes suffering, whether we come up better or worse, so don't do that to yourself.</p><p></p><p>You are very hard on yourself. It's tough not to blame ourselves, but <u><em>this is not your fault</em></u>. Your son is a grown man and if he has issues only he can heal them, you can't. The best thing you can do for both of you is to focus all your energies on yourself now, get support, do nurturing, nourishing things for yourself. Make yourself your priority. You have probably never done that, have you? You are the most important person in your universe, your son is in his universe.</p><p></p><p>Oh, black sheep in families usually end up being the most interesting people to know. Often they turn into eccentrics, the MOST interesting people. So accept yourself, accept the choices you made in life, they've made you who you are today. Each step along the way was fertile ground for learning and growing...........and now you're here, with us. Welcome. We're a bruised and battered bunch, but we are very loyal to each other..........keep posting it helps. I'm glad you're here.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 630292, member: 13542"] Welcome I don't know. Your story is very much like all of our stories. You are not sick, you are trying to help an adult who does not want to change. Your position is powerless. Stop comparing yourself to your family, The fact that you stopped drinking 20 years ago speaks volumes about your commitment to yourself, your courage, your tenacity, your strength and your character. Stop beating yourself up! What we all require around here is truckloads of support. This landscape you're on is treacherous and devastating. Get yourself to an al anon meeting, or a CoDa meeting, or Families anonymous, or private therapy, or NAMI, which is the National Alliance on Mental Illness (you can access them online and they have chapters in many places........they have excellent courses and support for parents) Get some support immediately, so you can begin to detach from your sons choices and start to focus on YOU. You deserve to be happy and to feel peace and joy, you do not deserve to be miserable because of what your son does or doesn't do. The way you can make the leap out of where you are to where you want to be, is by getting support. You may want to read the article at the bottom of my post here on detachment. You may want to buy the book, [U]Codependent no more [/U]by Melodie Beattie. There is a lot of support for you here and in your life, you just have to look for it and accept it. When you're at the family reunion, have a good time. If anyone asks how your son is, simply say, "he's still struggling." That usually makes people stop going any further. Or say, " I prefer not to talk about that now." You have the power to change your perceptions of your role with your son and you don't have to justify it to anyone else. Comparing ourselves to others only causes suffering, whether we come up better or worse, so don't do that to yourself. You are very hard on yourself. It's tough not to blame ourselves, but [U][I]this is not your fault[/I][/U]. Your son is a grown man and if he has issues only he can heal them, you can't. The best thing you can do for both of you is to focus all your energies on yourself now, get support, do nurturing, nourishing things for yourself. Make yourself your priority. You have probably never done that, have you? You are the most important person in your universe, your son is in his universe. Oh, black sheep in families usually end up being the most interesting people to know. Often they turn into eccentrics, the MOST interesting people. So accept yourself, accept the choices you made in life, they've made you who you are today. Each step along the way was fertile ground for learning and growing...........and now you're here, with us. Welcome. We're a bruised and battered bunch, but we are very loyal to each other..........keep posting it helps. I'm glad you're here. [/QUOTE]
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