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Tired of acting, tired of perfect family.
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 630341" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Welcome I don't know----</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>How would you know? </p><p></p><p>That don't teach that in AA---in Al-Anon we have a lot of "double winners", as they call themselves. They say they find a peace in Al-Anon that they have never known before. </p><p></p><p>Please start going to Al-Anon---it's usually right across the hall...so please go. Go to at least six meetings. I believe you will find so much help and support there.</p><p></p><p>I have asked my ex-husband---he is in AA---to go to Al-Anon about our son. For so long, he enabled our son, way after I finally stopped (as much as anybody does stop). He couldn't see it because he said on AA helps another AA, and he couldn't see the difference between helping and enabling. Also he had a lot of guilt about being an alcoholic and his son being a drug addict.</p><p></p><p>I have supported my ex-husband in stopping enabling as much as I possibly can. To my knowledge, he hasn't gone to Al-Anon and that is okay. That's his decision. He knows it's there. </p><p></p><p>But I have also told him that addiction is on BOTH sides of our family. By the grace of God, I'm not an addict or an alcoholic. My grandmother abused prescription drugs and my brother is an active alcoholic today. </p><p></p><p>So, hey it's everywhere. There is no point in beating ourselves up over this. It's a DNA, biochemical, brain chemistry thing. It's something nobody wants but some people have to deal with. </p><p></p><p>It's what we DO with the problems and issues we have, not that we have them in the first place.</p><p></p><p>I am SO glad you are going back to AA---for you. Congratulations for reaching out for help. We all need help, every single one of us. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Of course you are. It is completely debilitating and exhausting to deal with someone we love so much who is destroying their lives. We can't do it. We have to have help. It is awful to watch. </p><p></p><p>Start taking care of YOU. This is a must. You already know this, so start doing it. Small things. Then larger things. Spend time on YOU every single day. You are worth it. It's the 51% rule. You are 1% more important than your son, at least. Start living that way. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Absolutely! You are not his go-between. He is a grown man. If they have questions, call him. Leave you out of the mix. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Yes, I used to think there were perfect families and mine was one of them. We did it all by the book, at least on the surface. a full and fun High school life, college grads, great professional jobs, 2 kids, bought our homes, saved our money, progressed in our jobs, went to church every Sunday, volunteered at community organizations, got recognition publicly. All the while my husband was drinking secretly. He was depressed. I became a control freak. I was miserable. He was miserable. We separated and divorced. The perfect family was no more. Then my son started using drugs. More decline for all of us. </p><p></p><p>You know what, I don't know---there is no such thing as perfect. We all do the best we can with the situations we are faced with. That is all we CAN do. We have to have a Higher Power---we have to let go---we have to let God. We are powerless but we are not helpless.</p><p></p><p>Hold your head up high. You are doing very hard things. You have done them. You are going to be just fine. You need to start valuing YOU. That needs to be your second full time job. Compassion for yourself will turn into compassion for other people, like your son. The work is worth it. believe me, It's worth it. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I know. Today my 24 (almost 25 in two weeks) year old son is homeless again. It's very sad. It's very hard. It is what it is. He is going to have to inch by inch do the hard work if it is to be done. I can't do it for him. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>He is right. Have a good time. He will have to deal with the consequences of his own decisions and choices. </p><p></p><p>Let him go, I don't know. Let him go. You are the new star of your life---you. You deserve it. Pour everything you have into YOU. </p><p></p><p>Warm hugs and keep coming back.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 630341, member: 17542"] Welcome I don't know---- How would you know? That don't teach that in AA---in Al-Anon we have a lot of "double winners", as they call themselves. They say they find a peace in Al-Anon that they have never known before. Please start going to Al-Anon---it's usually right across the hall...so please go. Go to at least six meetings. I believe you will find so much help and support there. I have asked my ex-husband---he is in AA---to go to Al-Anon about our son. For so long, he enabled our son, way after I finally stopped (as much as anybody does stop). He couldn't see it because he said on AA helps another AA, and he couldn't see the difference between helping and enabling. Also he had a lot of guilt about being an alcoholic and his son being a drug addict. I have supported my ex-husband in stopping enabling as much as I possibly can. To my knowledge, he hasn't gone to Al-Anon and that is okay. That's his decision. He knows it's there. But I have also told him that addiction is on BOTH sides of our family. By the grace of God, I'm not an addict or an alcoholic. My grandmother abused prescription drugs and my brother is an active alcoholic today. So, hey it's everywhere. There is no point in beating ourselves up over this. It's a DNA, biochemical, brain chemistry thing. It's something nobody wants but some people have to deal with. It's what we DO with the problems and issues we have, not that we have them in the first place. I am SO glad you are going back to AA---for you. Congratulations for reaching out for help. We all need help, every single one of us. Of course you are. It is completely debilitating and exhausting to deal with someone we love so much who is destroying their lives. We can't do it. We have to have help. It is awful to watch. Start taking care of YOU. This is a must. You already know this, so start doing it. Small things. Then larger things. Spend time on YOU every single day. You are worth it. It's the 51% rule. You are 1% more important than your son, at least. Start living that way. Absolutely! You are not his go-between. He is a grown man. If they have questions, call him. Leave you out of the mix. Yes, I used to think there were perfect families and mine was one of them. We did it all by the book, at least on the surface. a full and fun High school life, college grads, great professional jobs, 2 kids, bought our homes, saved our money, progressed in our jobs, went to church every Sunday, volunteered at community organizations, got recognition publicly. All the while my husband was drinking secretly. He was depressed. I became a control freak. I was miserable. He was miserable. We separated and divorced. The perfect family was no more. Then my son started using drugs. More decline for all of us. You know what, I don't know---there is no such thing as perfect. We all do the best we can with the situations we are faced with. That is all we CAN do. We have to have a Higher Power---we have to let go---we have to let God. We are powerless but we are not helpless. Hold your head up high. You are doing very hard things. You have done them. You are going to be just fine. You need to start valuing YOU. That needs to be your second full time job. Compassion for yourself will turn into compassion for other people, like your son. The work is worth it. believe me, It's worth it. I know. Today my 24 (almost 25 in two weeks) year old son is homeless again. It's very sad. It's very hard. It is what it is. He is going to have to inch by inch do the hard work if it is to be done. I can't do it for him. He is right. Have a good time. He will have to deal with the consequences of his own decisions and choices. Let him go, I don't know. Let him go. You are the new star of your life---you. You deserve it. Pour everything you have into YOU. Warm hugs and keep coming back. [/QUOTE]
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