Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by amazeofgrace, Jul 1, 2008.
security check, sorry
Yes, that was abusive. I'm not even sure how to appropriately discipline that one. But, it needs to be addressed somehow- not just for you, but for his future wife, kids, etc.
As far as the reward for the job- if the judge lets him stay out of detention after breaking rules of probation since he did get a job, I would call that a reward. All of the rewards and punishments cannot possible come from you anymore- at his age and being in legal trouble. I even find that an issue with my difficult child at 13 yo.
But what he said to you tonight- maybe others can throw out good suggestions. My ideas of punishment for that would all land you in jail for abuse.
What I would have done with my difficult child is quietly stop the car, get out, stand beside it and wait. I will not allow my children to speak to me in a demeaning manner. If it means I walk away so be it. As soon as he got out the car, I would have gotten in, locked the doors, and drove off.
Seriously............so sorry. I am experiencing the same cr@p myself tonight. I wonder how it is we can take it even one more minute. And then we do.
Stay strong, and the right solution will come to you.
I thought of doing that. I was very close. But I think I would have made him break house arrest again if I drove away.
Steely, if we have enough people to stand together in a little huddle we could hold our shields up to deflect our difficult child's arrows.
Yes I probably would have stopped the car and told him to get out - then Me like you would have wondered if it would have broken house arrest and made things worse - but maybe you could bring that up to him - the next time you berate me like that you will be on your own. I havae stopped the car before and let my son out on a main road in an area where there were a lot of stores around - I cried all the way home just thinking about the walk he would have to make - he beat me home - he hitchiked!!
Wow, Everywoman!! That is exactly what I did to difficult child's father!!
I'm sorry you are experiencing such verbal abuse. It is so, so wearing. I get it constantly here and haven't found a good solution yet. Some things work for a bit but not for long. My difficult child wouldn't be safe (with all of his other issues) if I let him out of the car but mine is also a lot younger.
Sending gentle hugs your way tonight.
Ouch. That has to hurt. I am so sorry you had to face that. I am not sure what I would have done.
The job is his reward unless he is planning to use the money he earns to reimburse you for legal fees and pain and suffering!
"No phone until you can show me that your words will not offend anyone starting with me. I am not allowing that language to be used on my phones." "You are old enough to speak with respect. Do not talk to me unless you drop those nasty words."
I am sorry! I have a soon to be 18 yr old (tomorrow) who has a bad mouth also. I know when she spends time with certain people because her unacceptable words are more frequent.
Maybe this new job will teach him a little bit of manners.
Why do you have to take it? Isnt it part of his house arrest and probation that he hold a civil tongue in his head and follow your rules and the laws of society? I do believe that threats are against the law. I am pretty sure you have household rules about treating each other with respect. Turn his in. Keep reporting him for probation violations when he treats you this way. Might make more work for his PO but who cares. They get paid to do the job.
Can I join your huddle, Grace & Steely?
Tink has been so abusive to me lately I don't know what to do anymore. I'm about to post about it.
Grace and Steely, you have my undying sympathy and lots of hugs.
Doesn't he still have a tv in his room? I'd strip everything but a mattress, boxsprings, pillow and bedding. 2 changes of clothes. Period.
And, like Janet said, I'd turn his hiney in as a violation every. single. time.
I'm so sorry you are having to endure this. I don't know how you do it. My difficult child was being so critical of me last night and I thought I was going to lose my mind and it was nothing close to that nastiness spewing from yours.
been there done that. And I hate it. Why do we keep taking it, fellow Warrior Moms? I'm still getting it even though she no longer lives here. I wish I had an answer for this...
May I join the huddle, too?
I left the huddle. I finally realized that I didn't deserve what I was getting and actually stood up for myself. She started yelling, shoving, calling me names and I gave her a choice -- go to her room, go for a walk or something, be quiet or be prepared for me to call the police. It took two phone calls to the police with me explaining that the verbal abuse eventually became physical and I just was no longer willing to put up with it and the police telling her that the third call would guarantee a trip to the station and some time being spent in the holding cell until she calmed down and the abuse ended.
I also quit doing anything for her. No rides to friends. No pretty new clothes. No cool CD. No special dinners. Heck, no dinners at all -- she could fix her own meal, she was old enough. No washing her clothes, etc. As I told her, she was not treating me with the basic respect a human deserved, let alone her mother. So, I was not going to do the things a mother did for her beloved child until that beloved child treated me a heck of a lot better. I never denied my love, I never said I didn't love her, I just demanded she treat me better.
It took some time but it did work. If she stated getting mean, I would just simply remind her that it was her loss, not mine. That usually shut her up. If it didn't, my mothering did stop for at least the next day.
I would go with what Janet and meowbunny said. Call the PO with this as a threat, and as verbal abuse, and keep on doing it.
If he abuses you in the car, make him get out AND call his PO. It is HIS problem if the PO puts him in jail.
I think dropping him off at evil mother in law's house is excellent. she thinks she is so much better, let her deal with all of it.
I am sorry that he is so cruel as to threaten you the way he did. NO ONE who had been assaulted the way you were should have to face this. No one should be faced with this, but esp no one with a prior history of being assaulted.
Sending hugs, and a few extra shields to support you while you stand up to this punk.
I'm so sorry that you're enduring such abuse. Hearing something like that is terrible. I can't say anything better than what has been said, but I agree with susiestar, Janet, and meowbunny. Make him walk home and don't worry about the house arrest; if it's a violation of house arrest, he brought it on himself.
I made my difficult child get out of the car and walk home today after he began verbally abusing me and wow - what a difference in his attitude. It won't last, but tonight he is quiet and polite.
AOG, I know you don't think you are allowing it, but in a way you are, without realising it. The trouble is, his father got you into a pattern of letting a lot of this wash over you, then when you threw him out, you still haven't found the knack of turning it around so it simply is not permitted to happen. Plus, difficult child 1 got into bad habits too, which are very hard to break. In some way he is filling the niche left by his father (or at least, he is trying to.
I am speaking not from personal experience of being on the receiving end, but from personal experience of having watched my sister go through this first with her pig of a husband and then with her very wayward son. She didn't think she was allowing anything either and couldn't see it at the time. Years later though, she could. And years later, her son is cleaning up his act and is back in her life.
"Allowing it" doesn't mean "letting him say it with no reaction", but it DOES mean "not dealing with the problem in a way to strongly discourage repeat offences". You dole out punishments - clearly, it's not working. Besides, punishments can take a while to "bite" and frankly, he needs an IMMEDIATE consequence.
'The kid sits there and tells me "he wishes someone would come and rape me right now so he could laugh in my face" nice huh?'
You can't punish that with restrictions, with grounding, with a ban on the phone, with anything that limits his freedom, because what he has done isn't really connected with his freedom or otherwise - in short, forget trying to enforce any punishment. It's too hard to enforce (and make it stick); he's too old (and too big); you're too beaten down by it all already. And has it been working? Doesn't look like it.
But you have the upper hand, even though you haven't used it. Maybe years of abuse have blinded you to your opportunities.
Fran and MB were right, they had some very strong suggestions. I endorse them.
difficult child 1 needed you to drive him to this job. OK, you can't throw him out of the car and drive off, because that would violate his parole, it would provide him with the perfect excuse to not follow through on the job, etc.
But what you CAN do (and could have, here) - any time such foulness comes out of his mouth, ESPECIALLY while you are doing something for him - STOP THE CAR. REMOVE THE KEYS. Then tell him, clearly, "That was a really nasty, despicable, horrible thing to say. It was totally unwarranted - it is NEVER appropriate to say a vicious thing like that, not to anybody, not under any circumstances. You should be ashamed of yourself. And if that is how you're trying to persuade me to love you and to do nice things for you, you've got a darned funny way of going about things. I do not have to do a darned thing for you. I owe you absolutely nothing. But you, Boyo, owe me a great deal, beginning right now with one big fat apology."
Refuse to drive any further to his requested destination until he backs down. Instead, drive to the police station of your choice and dob him in, if in saying such things he has broken the terms of the arrangement.
If he gets physically abusive at all, stop the car again (it's safer, than trying to drive when a difficult child is grabbing at you or the wheel). And again, do not move off until he is keeping his hands to himself. If it gets to tat stage, call the cops from your cellphone. If he keeps grabbing at you, get out of the car (with the keys - do not leave them) and THEN call the cops, or flag down a passing car for assistance.
You have the upper hand. Use it TO THE HILT.
Do not feel guilty for doing this - a person who can say that to you, his mother, especially after what you experienced, has just blown all his chances in one fell swoop. If he doesn't get slapped down fast for it in this manner, then he will up the ante. If not with you, then with the next woman in his life.
Nobody deserves this sort of abuse. Not you, not the next woman he tries this crud with.
So even if you don't want to make too much fuss, or ANYONE even hints that you're not worth making such a fuss over, then at least tell yourself you are doing it for your prospective daughter-in-law.
(although you ARE definitely worth much more than this).
Forget any punishments. They won't have any impact. But an immediate "STOP!" and a pull of the emergency brake on the train wreck you're both riding, will NOT be what he expects.
I'd like to think that as you drive to the police station, he will be apologising (or backing down in some way). He'd have to back down a very long way, for me to not dob him right in, then and there. That creature is channeling his father and needs his PO to perform a radical 'exorcism'.
ANY stuff like that from him, do not accept it on board. Do not attack him personally in any way, instead attack what he says or does. Make it clear that his words or actions are not reducing you to tears but they ARE making you very angry. And then if this is happening at home, say your piece about how he just made a BIG mistake spouting such foulness, and then walk out.
You say your piece. Do not tack on any punishments (as in "apologise or else...") but just walk out. If he's under house arrest, you can leave but he may not. If you're supposed to stay on the premises also (as his jailer) then you should at least be able to sit across the road and watch the gate, while staying out of his physical reach. I would be approaching the court to have such a limitation changed, though (assuming there is any limitation on you because of him). Tell them what he is doing and saying, make it clear you need to be safe from this, or they need to provide you with a big stick with which to threaten him if he doesn't curb his tongue or his behaviour.
And if ANY of what he is doing or saying breaches his release conditions, REPORT HIM.
As for anything else you have been doing for him - stop. Don't cook for him. Don't wash his clothes. Do not clean his room. He should be able to supply his own needs. Do check up on what you can stop doing for him, because clearly if he's got restrictions on his movements he may not be able to do things like go shopping for groceries. But you do the absolute minimum you have to, live your own fulfilling life and do not let him impact your life more than the barest minimum. Also make sure he can't get his hands on any of your stuff (including your valuables & money) because if he is so disrespectful of you, then he will be just as disrespectful of your space and your possessions.
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