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Tired of being in fetal position....new mission for me
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 748227" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Hi Busy. I could have written so much of your post, about myself. But I am not so self-aware. I see several important points in what you write. You are implying here, that you are her scapegoat. I see another side of this. You are her safe place and for her, an organizing principle in life. She knows that your love for her is unconditional. This is not to let her off the hook, but I do not think she is aware of how damaging is this for you. I think you can set limits with her, to protect yourself, but also understand that her intent is not primarily to hurt you. You have the choice to hold her in this way. Apart, but not fundamentally wanting to hurt you.</p><p>I am like this too. There are times when I feel shattered by what I feel is the withholding of care and acceptance by others. The shatteredness is something in me. And I see as my primary purpose in my life now, the rebuilding of myself, so that I understand when I am in this place (instead of dissociating by self-destructive behavior),not to paper over and to avoid the pain, seek connection and support of others, and learn to nurture, tend, and support myself in ways I lacked as a tiny person and the adult I became.</p><p>So. What we are doing here is fixing ourselves for ourselves.</p><p>This is the problem. The sense that Kay does this to you. The brokenness is in us. Kay is just being Kay. We do not have to "own" her stuff, or the stuff of others who act this way. It's like people are out their throwing around their <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/2012/censored2.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":censored2:" title="censored2 :censored2:" data-shortname=":censored2:" />, wily nily, or even, trying to aim at us. We have a choice to catch it, or to run. </p><p></p><p>This is what I am trying to say: There are parts and pieces of each of us, in our personalities, that are not well-developed. And as such we are vulnerable. And that vulnerability is our responsibility to address. Other people have their own vulnerabilities and direct to us their own futile and maladaptive ways to manage it, control it, to suppress it. And this is usually NOT because they want to hurt us. It is because they are hurting, and want to escape their pain. It is OUR responsibility to get out of their way. And to not make it into more than it is. If we get out of their way, we do not have to make them BAD. We can see them as hurting, or fragile, or misguided, instead. I see this as your choice with Kay.</p><p>I don't think she's acting badly on purpose. But I do believe she is responsible for her behavior, and that you are correct to hold her as responsible. And put that on HER. Not you. Yes. I believe she is hurting, misguided, and out of control. But it is true you do NOT need to take it on.</p><p>Good for you. I want to tell you I do understand what it feels like to feel (and be) broken. And I want to tell you how much I respect you, and identify with your quest. Maybe we can support each other.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 748227, member: 18958"] Hi Busy. I could have written so much of your post, about myself. But I am not so self-aware. I see several important points in what you write. You are implying here, that you are her scapegoat. I see another side of this. You are her safe place and for her, an organizing principle in life. She knows that your love for her is unconditional. This is not to let her off the hook, but I do not think she is aware of how damaging is this for you. I think you can set limits with her, to protect yourself, but also understand that her intent is not primarily to hurt you. You have the choice to hold her in this way. Apart, but not fundamentally wanting to hurt you. I am like this too. There are times when I feel shattered by what I feel is the withholding of care and acceptance by others. The shatteredness is something in me. And I see as my primary purpose in my life now, the rebuilding of myself, so that I understand when I am in this place (instead of dissociating by self-destructive behavior),not to paper over and to avoid the pain, seek connection and support of others, and learn to nurture, tend, and support myself in ways I lacked as a tiny person and the adult I became. So. What we are doing here is fixing ourselves for ourselves. This is the problem. The sense that Kay does this to you. The brokenness is in us. Kay is just being Kay. We do not have to "own" her stuff, or the stuff of others who act this way. It's like people are out their throwing around their :censored2:, wily nily, or even, trying to aim at us. We have a choice to catch it, or to run. This is what I am trying to say: There are parts and pieces of each of us, in our personalities, that are not well-developed. And as such we are vulnerable. And that vulnerability is our responsibility to address. Other people have their own vulnerabilities and direct to us their own futile and maladaptive ways to manage it, control it, to suppress it. And this is usually NOT because they want to hurt us. It is because they are hurting, and want to escape their pain. It is OUR responsibility to get out of their way. And to not make it into more than it is. If we get out of their way, we do not have to make them BAD. We can see them as hurting, or fragile, or misguided, instead. I see this as your choice with Kay. I don't think she's acting badly on purpose. But I do believe she is responsible for her behavior, and that you are correct to hold her as responsible. And put that on HER. Not you. Yes. I believe she is hurting, misguided, and out of control. But it is true you do NOT need to take it on. Good for you. I want to tell you I do understand what it feels like to feel (and be) broken. And I want to tell you how much I respect you, and identify with your quest. Maybe we can support each other. [/QUOTE]
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Tired of being in fetal position....new mission for me
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