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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 381025" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>I still have concerns about this problem. DeAnna, you seem stuck (to me) on "How could my child be such a monster to choke another kid - what have I raised?" when I think you also should consider, "How could my child, who does not do this sort of thing at home, behave in such an uncharacteristic way? First, was he provoked and if so how, and second, how can we use this experience to sort out the problems that contributed to this incident?"</p><p></p><p>A child who normally won't do this, is a child who I believe was provoked. Of course it is not appropriate to lay hands on another person, but kids in general can be anarchic little monsters, and that includes your own children. We need to recognise that kids are still very much in development and WILL attack one another, verbally as well as physically. We teach them not to, but they are very much works in progress. I remember when I was 7 years old and at a new school, I was trying to make friends but was a bit clumsy at it. One girl I wanted to be friends with, she was wearing the sports uniform which back then also included a silk cord as a belt. The silk cord had tassels, and when these were new the tassels were perfect - smooth, soft, pretty. I had never see one before and asked her if I could have a closer look. She refused, but was letting other girls have a look and I felt humiliated by the mean way she refused. She publicly and deliberately turned her back on me, shutting me out of her conversation with the other girls. I did something I had never done before or since - I bit. Her shoulder was a nice target, I acted impulsively. </p><p></p><p>As I got to know this girl over the next few years, I realised she wasn't a bad kid but she had a mean streak and was a snob. I wasn't yet accepted by the 'in' crowd and so she was trying to avoid being accused of associating with riff-raff.</p><p></p><p>If the teachers had reacted the way they probably would these days, with a phone call home or a letter home, with me being suspended, my mother would have been in hysterics. "She never has bitten anybody before." I would have been in therapy so fast my head would have been spinning. But all I got was a scolding, and told to go sit "over there" where I was promptly forgotten for the remainder of the afternoon. When everyone else was leaving to go home, I figured I may as well go, too. Of course, that girl and her friends totally ignored me for the next few months which, frankly, was fine with me.</p><p></p><p>What I'm trying to say here - school is NOT the same environment a home. School generally is far less controlled and allows much more opportunity for a kid to get really frustrated, but not necessarily have the tools to deal with that frustration. Use this experience as a teaching tool; help your son understand a better way he could have handled his anger and frustration.</p><p></p><p>He's a kid. He may benefit from medications, bit it requires an expert in this to make the assessment. A teacher is not an expert, but the teacher may well have enough rough knowledge on board, to be worth listening to. At least consider that the teacher may have identified some issues that a specialist could help with. Impulse control, for a start.</p><p></p><p>In my case when I look back, I know I would have benefited greatly from anti-anxiety medications. But I didn't have any, and I realise now I probably would have had problems with them. But I have always had anxiety issues. I handle it better these days because I have adapted. We do adapt, as we get older.</p><p></p><p>I hated childhood. Looking back, I don't think I really had one. Socially, I was set up for a rough time and school did little or nothing to help with the social problems, the bullying, the physical assaults. When I was bullied badly (including getting beaten up regularly) I was the one put into counselling while they tried to figure out why my self-esteem was so bad. Well, perhaps the daily beatings with lack of teacher interference to prevent, was giving me the message that I was not worth protecting.</p><p></p><p>Your child always needs to know that you care about how they feel. The first step is to listen to the child without jumping in to judge. After they have talked, then discuss - how better could they have handled that? Workshop with your child, some better strategies. Then you do this regularly, touching base on progress. DId you use the new techniques today? Did it work? Or if it did not work, why do you think this was the case? How better could you have handled this, honey? Can you think of something we could do, to make this work better for you?</p><p>And so on.</p><p>Keep this up - it empowers your child to learn the right way to resolve difficulties.</p><p></p><p>But a kid who has never attacked another child, suddenly choking a kid - something went badly wrong, and to blame the kids as a first response, is badly flawed.</p><p></p><p>On the subject of modifying your post to remove identifiers - if you're stuck, ask a moderator for help. It's OK. </p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 381025, member: 1991"] I still have concerns about this problem. DeAnna, you seem stuck (to me) on "How could my child be such a monster to choke another kid - what have I raised?" when I think you also should consider, "How could my child, who does not do this sort of thing at home, behave in such an uncharacteristic way? First, was he provoked and if so how, and second, how can we use this experience to sort out the problems that contributed to this incident?" A child who normally won't do this, is a child who I believe was provoked. Of course it is not appropriate to lay hands on another person, but kids in general can be anarchic little monsters, and that includes your own children. We need to recognise that kids are still very much in development and WILL attack one another, verbally as well as physically. We teach them not to, but they are very much works in progress. I remember when I was 7 years old and at a new school, I was trying to make friends but was a bit clumsy at it. One girl I wanted to be friends with, she was wearing the sports uniform which back then also included a silk cord as a belt. The silk cord had tassels, and when these were new the tassels were perfect - smooth, soft, pretty. I had never see one before and asked her if I could have a closer look. She refused, but was letting other girls have a look and I felt humiliated by the mean way she refused. She publicly and deliberately turned her back on me, shutting me out of her conversation with the other girls. I did something I had never done before or since - I bit. Her shoulder was a nice target, I acted impulsively. As I got to know this girl over the next few years, I realised she wasn't a bad kid but she had a mean streak and was a snob. I wasn't yet accepted by the 'in' crowd and so she was trying to avoid being accused of associating with riff-raff. If the teachers had reacted the way they probably would these days, with a phone call home or a letter home, with me being suspended, my mother would have been in hysterics. "She never has bitten anybody before." I would have been in therapy so fast my head would have been spinning. But all I got was a scolding, and told to go sit "over there" where I was promptly forgotten for the remainder of the afternoon. When everyone else was leaving to go home, I figured I may as well go, too. Of course, that girl and her friends totally ignored me for the next few months which, frankly, was fine with me. What I'm trying to say here - school is NOT the same environment a home. School generally is far less controlled and allows much more opportunity for a kid to get really frustrated, but not necessarily have the tools to deal with that frustration. Use this experience as a teaching tool; help your son understand a better way he could have handled his anger and frustration. He's a kid. He may benefit from medications, bit it requires an expert in this to make the assessment. A teacher is not an expert, but the teacher may well have enough rough knowledge on board, to be worth listening to. At least consider that the teacher may have identified some issues that a specialist could help with. Impulse control, for a start. In my case when I look back, I know I would have benefited greatly from anti-anxiety medications. But I didn't have any, and I realise now I probably would have had problems with them. But I have always had anxiety issues. I handle it better these days because I have adapted. We do adapt, as we get older. I hated childhood. Looking back, I don't think I really had one. Socially, I was set up for a rough time and school did little or nothing to help with the social problems, the bullying, the physical assaults. When I was bullied badly (including getting beaten up regularly) I was the one put into counselling while they tried to figure out why my self-esteem was so bad. Well, perhaps the daily beatings with lack of teacher interference to prevent, was giving me the message that I was not worth protecting. Your child always needs to know that you care about how they feel. The first step is to listen to the child without jumping in to judge. After they have talked, then discuss - how better could they have handled that? Workshop with your child, some better strategies. Then you do this regularly, touching base on progress. DId you use the new techniques today? Did it work? Or if it did not work, why do you think this was the case? How better could you have handled this, honey? Can you think of something we could do, to make this work better for you? And so on. Keep this up - it empowers your child to learn the right way to resolve difficulties. But a kid who has never attacked another child, suddenly choking a kid - something went badly wrong, and to blame the kids as a first response, is badly flawed. On the subject of modifying your post to remove identifiers - if you're stuck, ask a moderator for help. It's OK. Marg [/QUOTE]
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