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Tis the season to be judged!
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 322593" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Serenityprayer, I want to offer you an alternative way of looking at their behaviour, it might help you rspond to them without feeling so hostile (which isn't good for you).</p><p></p><p>Mind you - I think you behaved perfectly and did exactly the right things, all the way. And I do agree, their 'attack' on you was just plain wrong. But their responses are very understandable - if you can get into their heads and understand why, then you are better equipped to help your own difficult children.</p><p></p><p>OK, putting yourself in their shoes - this year they have invited the neighbours. Why did they invite you all? Maybe to be neighbourly, maybe to share the holiday with others from outside the family, maybe they were hoping that the presence of outsiders would help brother stay on better behaviour.</p><p></p><p>You guys brought children. Great! Kids really make the holidays, especially for childless relatives who haven't properly grown up. Let's play with the kids! What games do kids like to play? Of course, peek-a-boo and hide-and-seek!</p><p></p><p>So brother jumps out on the kids, and really upsets difficult child. OK, he didn't know and/or didn't understand. NOT the reaction he wanted. He made a bad choice and was apologetic. Your reaction - you removed difficult child from an upsetting environment and gave him time out. So what perhaps happened in your absence? THINK. Who was there? What would have been said to explain?</p><p>My own consideration of possibilities - your husband stayed behind. difficult child's apparent over-reaction would have needed to be explained to the neighbours. husband probably was enjoying the company and enjoying the celebration, perhaps annoyed with difficult child for being so touchy and causing a scene. He wouldn't have felt right being annoyed with anybody associated with the host because to be annoyed with the host's family is to be ungracious, so it's easier to blame you, in your absence. Besides, you're the one he's familiar with and it is very true - familairity breeds contempt. It's safer for him to blame you. Just me guessing, mind you. Besides, husband knows how difficult it's been for difficult child, he probably didn't expect you to be back, so anything he said wouldn't have caused a problem for you that night, in his mind. Be aware - this is just me guessing.</p><p></p><p>Then you come back. difficult child has calmed down, you've brought him back (not the reaction of someone who over-reacts, in my book - if you were an over-protective mama, you would have stayed away). So, hosts have been perhaps very apologetic to husband in your absence, husband has perhaps said, "Don't worry about it, it happens a lot, frankly I think if his mother would back off a bit he'd learn to take it like a man." Such a statement distances husband from his son's reactiveness (and also distances him from his own diagnosis which he's trying to deny and not deal with). He's trying to shed responsibility for any problems.</p><p></p><p>So you're back - and first they apologise. But inside, they are fuming. Mostly at brother, who caused the upset. But also at your difficult child, for being so easily upset. Now, it's not fair to be so angry at a kid who really did nothing wrong, and it's difficult to feel angry at brother without trying to downplay it so they can feel better. And this is what people do - we try to make ourselves feel better. We rationalise. It is what we do. It is why some people are absolutely brilliant at denial - because they have gotten very clever at rationalising, at explaining away the problems, at making excuses, at deflecting blame.</p><p></p><p>They can only feel guilty, so long as they accept personal responsibility. And the degree of problem was greater than it should have been. True, brother was VERY noisy but most 'normal' kids would have ended up laughing it off. So the neighbours, while being angry with their brother also, are now a bit annoyed at difficult child's reaction. </p><p>difficult child can't be held responsible, so it must be the mother. And the more they can make themselves feel better by blaming you, the less blame they have to accept on themselves (and on brother). After a while and after more self-justification, they can end up feeling really mellow about the whole thing and at the same time benevolently give you the words of wisdom, try to teach you how to be a better parent. because if you weren't so protective, then your son wouldn't be so reactive and the fun wouldn't have potentially been spoiled by it all. They were also trying to make sure that brother was not in the frame for anything he had done wrong - and by attacking others involved, it's easier to duck out of personal responsiibility.</p><p></p><p>It all comes down to everyone trying to play down the problems and help the whole party continue as if nothing had happened. Sure there has to be some collateral damage (ie you), but always when a group of people are chatting together, the characters that get assassinated the most are the ones who are absent. And you were absent.</p><p></p><p>Despite my analysis, I do think the neighbours are really nice people. The brother sounds like an immature idiot but every family has one of those. And maybe most kids would have been OK (eventually).</p><p></p><p>So don't hate them, try to not feel venom towards them. In trying to tell you that you are over-protective, they were actually trying to make you feel better. And they would only have been acting on the information they had.</p><p></p><p>BUT - don't trust them, don't ever confide in them. Because they have shown their colours in terms of their capacity to deny the obvious and to pass blame.</p><p></p><p>It is possible to be friends with someone and not confide in them. You can be polite, you can be friendly, you can share jokes. If you are close enough friends you may even be able to say to them, "I know you think I am an over-protective parent - please be assured, you will never succeed in convincing me because I have been parenting my children in my way for X years now, and I am not going to change. So for the sake of our friendship, please change the subject. My son has problems, NOT diagnosed by me. I wish he didn't but I am doing my best to help my son learn to live a happy, productive and functioning life. Sometimes there will be problems - I don't blame anybody for this and neither should anyone else. Life is not perfect. So please respect my choices here, as I would respect yours with regard to your own child-raising methods. This topic is off-limits, but that still leaves many more things we can talk about safely."</p><p></p><p>I speak from experience. I've had this problem myself, from close friends and even members of my own family. People I couldn't cut out of my life, people who would never listen but would always criticise me and blame me. Because of my own physical disability (it sounds very similar to yours), people have often joined the dots when there really was no real connection. I have been asked, "Why did you have kids, if you knew that your physical illness would be passed on to the kids as autism?"</p><p>It's a question that shows seriously flawed pre-conceived ideas that are so wrong, it's hard to know where to start. So I often don't. About all I say is, "My disability has nothing to do with the kids' autism. My body may be damaged but my mind is a steel trap. On top of this, my kids did not develop autism because they live with a woman with a physical disability. They were born this way. I was not."</p><p></p><p>And I leave it at that.</p><p></p><p>A serious suggestion - this WILL happen again. And again. So plan now, think of things to say, with humour, next time someone says you are an over-protective parent. Try to make your response a humorous attack on the attacker, along the lines of, "Wow! I am amazed at your clear wisdom and deep experience. Afer all these years of seeing specialists, the money we've wasted, the school meetings, the Special Education, the hospitalisations - and all I needed to do was come over here and find out what nobody else has been able to help us with! We'll have no problems from here on, I see the light and I'm sure any problems will now totally evaporate. I guess I can let all the specialists know that their medical degrees were wasted effort, the greatest wisdom of all has come from someone with no medical training whatsoever."</p><p></p><p>And if they don't recognise your sarcasm for what it is, leave it. Because it will have proved your point to the one person who really matters here - YOU.</p><p></p><p>So come here and vent whenever you need to, whenever you get some idiot who tells you that they have the miracle answer re your child, the problem is you and all you need to do is learn to be a good parent. Because it WILL happen again. And again. This is human nature, unfortunately.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 322593, member: 1991"] Serenityprayer, I want to offer you an alternative way of looking at their behaviour, it might help you rspond to them without feeling so hostile (which isn't good for you). Mind you - I think you behaved perfectly and did exactly the right things, all the way. And I do agree, their 'attack' on you was just plain wrong. But their responses are very understandable - if you can get into their heads and understand why, then you are better equipped to help your own difficult children. OK, putting yourself in their shoes - this year they have invited the neighbours. Why did they invite you all? Maybe to be neighbourly, maybe to share the holiday with others from outside the family, maybe they were hoping that the presence of outsiders would help brother stay on better behaviour. You guys brought children. Great! Kids really make the holidays, especially for childless relatives who haven't properly grown up. Let's play with the kids! What games do kids like to play? Of course, peek-a-boo and hide-and-seek! So brother jumps out on the kids, and really upsets difficult child. OK, he didn't know and/or didn't understand. NOT the reaction he wanted. He made a bad choice and was apologetic. Your reaction - you removed difficult child from an upsetting environment and gave him time out. So what perhaps happened in your absence? THINK. Who was there? What would have been said to explain? My own consideration of possibilities - your husband stayed behind. difficult child's apparent over-reaction would have needed to be explained to the neighbours. husband probably was enjoying the company and enjoying the celebration, perhaps annoyed with difficult child for being so touchy and causing a scene. He wouldn't have felt right being annoyed with anybody associated with the host because to be annoyed with the host's family is to be ungracious, so it's easier to blame you, in your absence. Besides, you're the one he's familiar with and it is very true - familairity breeds contempt. It's safer for him to blame you. Just me guessing, mind you. Besides, husband knows how difficult it's been for difficult child, he probably didn't expect you to be back, so anything he said wouldn't have caused a problem for you that night, in his mind. Be aware - this is just me guessing. Then you come back. difficult child has calmed down, you've brought him back (not the reaction of someone who over-reacts, in my book - if you were an over-protective mama, you would have stayed away). So, hosts have been perhaps very apologetic to husband in your absence, husband has perhaps said, "Don't worry about it, it happens a lot, frankly I think if his mother would back off a bit he'd learn to take it like a man." Such a statement distances husband from his son's reactiveness (and also distances him from his own diagnosis which he's trying to deny and not deal with). He's trying to shed responsibility for any problems. So you're back - and first they apologise. But inside, they are fuming. Mostly at brother, who caused the upset. But also at your difficult child, for being so easily upset. Now, it's not fair to be so angry at a kid who really did nothing wrong, and it's difficult to feel angry at brother without trying to downplay it so they can feel better. And this is what people do - we try to make ourselves feel better. We rationalise. It is what we do. It is why some people are absolutely brilliant at denial - because they have gotten very clever at rationalising, at explaining away the problems, at making excuses, at deflecting blame. They can only feel guilty, so long as they accept personal responsibility. And the degree of problem was greater than it should have been. True, brother was VERY noisy but most 'normal' kids would have ended up laughing it off. So the neighbours, while being angry with their brother also, are now a bit annoyed at difficult child's reaction. difficult child can't be held responsible, so it must be the mother. And the more they can make themselves feel better by blaming you, the less blame they have to accept on themselves (and on brother). After a while and after more self-justification, they can end up feeling really mellow about the whole thing and at the same time benevolently give you the words of wisdom, try to teach you how to be a better parent. because if you weren't so protective, then your son wouldn't be so reactive and the fun wouldn't have potentially been spoiled by it all. They were also trying to make sure that brother was not in the frame for anything he had done wrong - and by attacking others involved, it's easier to duck out of personal responsiibility. It all comes down to everyone trying to play down the problems and help the whole party continue as if nothing had happened. Sure there has to be some collateral damage (ie you), but always when a group of people are chatting together, the characters that get assassinated the most are the ones who are absent. And you were absent. Despite my analysis, I do think the neighbours are really nice people. The brother sounds like an immature idiot but every family has one of those. And maybe most kids would have been OK (eventually). So don't hate them, try to not feel venom towards them. In trying to tell you that you are over-protective, they were actually trying to make you feel better. And they would only have been acting on the information they had. BUT - don't trust them, don't ever confide in them. Because they have shown their colours in terms of their capacity to deny the obvious and to pass blame. It is possible to be friends with someone and not confide in them. You can be polite, you can be friendly, you can share jokes. If you are close enough friends you may even be able to say to them, "I know you think I am an over-protective parent - please be assured, you will never succeed in convincing me because I have been parenting my children in my way for X years now, and I am not going to change. So for the sake of our friendship, please change the subject. My son has problems, NOT diagnosed by me. I wish he didn't but I am doing my best to help my son learn to live a happy, productive and functioning life. Sometimes there will be problems - I don't blame anybody for this and neither should anyone else. Life is not perfect. So please respect my choices here, as I would respect yours with regard to your own child-raising methods. This topic is off-limits, but that still leaves many more things we can talk about safely." I speak from experience. I've had this problem myself, from close friends and even members of my own family. People I couldn't cut out of my life, people who would never listen but would always criticise me and blame me. Because of my own physical disability (it sounds very similar to yours), people have often joined the dots when there really was no real connection. I have been asked, "Why did you have kids, if you knew that your physical illness would be passed on to the kids as autism?" It's a question that shows seriously flawed pre-conceived ideas that are so wrong, it's hard to know where to start. So I often don't. About all I say is, "My disability has nothing to do with the kids' autism. My body may be damaged but my mind is a steel trap. On top of this, my kids did not develop autism because they live with a woman with a physical disability. They were born this way. I was not." And I leave it at that. A serious suggestion - this WILL happen again. And again. So plan now, think of things to say, with humour, next time someone says you are an over-protective parent. Try to make your response a humorous attack on the attacker, along the lines of, "Wow! I am amazed at your clear wisdom and deep experience. Afer all these years of seeing specialists, the money we've wasted, the school meetings, the Special Education, the hospitalisations - and all I needed to do was come over here and find out what nobody else has been able to help us with! We'll have no problems from here on, I see the light and I'm sure any problems will now totally evaporate. I guess I can let all the specialists know that their medical degrees were wasted effort, the greatest wisdom of all has come from someone with no medical training whatsoever." And if they don't recognise your sarcasm for what it is, leave it. Because it will have proved your point to the one person who really matters here - YOU. So come here and vent whenever you need to, whenever you get some idiot who tells you that they have the miracle answer re your child, the problem is you and all you need to do is learn to be a good parent. Because it WILL happen again. And again. This is human nature, unfortunately. Marg [/QUOTE]
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