I am the one who made the comment. I also believe that it does depend on the situation. If your child is angry, then when you lose your temper a little and snap (after being very patient for quite a while) the child starts crying and saying that he misses his daddy or grandma (who does not live close), it seems like manipulation, in my opinion. A way to get out of trouble.
In that case, cuddling is out of line, in my opinion. Even if it is unconscious manipulation, it is teaching the child that if you are angry then they can cry a little and you will stop and cuddle and have special time with them. I meant it for that situation.
When violence is involved, there needs to be some consequence, but it does NOT necessarily mean that you shouldn't cuddle them WHEN it seems appropriate given YOUR feelings (if you were the one who was hit/hurt) and IF you are not going through the physical signs of fear. Another mom had mentioned that minutes after the rage where she attacked and bruised her mother quite a lot, her difficult child expected to be cuddled but the mom's blood pressure was very elevated, her anxiety was through the roof and she still cuddled because she thought she HAD to.
I do NOT feel that anyone should be forced to cuddle someone if they are very angry or afraid of the person wanting to be cuddled. It sends a bad message that the child can abuse you and not expect YOU to need some time to feel safe around them. essentially that teaches them HOW to be an abuser and no one wants that future for their child.
With a 9yo, I would think a whole day of standoffishness is a bit much unless you truly are afraid of the child. I don't think that refusing to cuddle for a whole day with a young child is reasonable. I would think an hour is enough, esp if they do not go back into the rage/tantrum.
IF your child calms down from the rage faster if you hold her, then by all means do it IF you can do it safely - meaning you don't get hurt and the child isn't hurt either. Some kids will fight that cuddling and others respond to it. I am using cuddling to mean something other than a restraint to keep them from hurting themselves or others. If you have to fght the child to hold them, then you MUST be trained to do the restrain appropriately, and that is not cuddling in my mind. Cuddling is affectionate and a time to bond and soothe each other. The child's psychiatrist or MAYBe the therapist should be able to teach you how to do a SAFE restraint, but you NEED that training or you can seriously hurt your child or yourself.
I do think the trigger is also very important, as is the level of manipulation involved in the rage.
I know you have been here a while, but have you read What Your Explosive Child is Trying to Tell You by Dr. Doug Riley? It is super helpful at figuring out the cause of the rage.
Personally, it would have to be a pretty bad, violent rage before I would go more than an hour or two before I gave my child at least a hug after a rage. And they would probably have to be about middle school age (12 or so). I don't know that I would be able to give a long cuddle, but a good night hug at least would be important to me, and my child even f they didn't admit it.
You and your husband might want to discuss what you think is an appropriate length of time for a punishment or withholding affectionfor a 9yo with your child's problems. You both need to remember that our difficult children are usually at least 2-3 years behind their chronological age in their emotional/social development. This means that when Wiz was 9 his emotional/behavioral/social age would be about 6. We had to remember that when we set up consequences for him or else it was just overkill. It is really hard to remember this when they are driving you nuts, and of course this is different for each child.
