To give it or not...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by wakeupcall, Dec 24, 2015.

  1. wakeupcall

    wakeupcall Well-Known Member

    Difficult Child has destroyed many cell phones. I pay for his phone service. The most recent is a GoPhone. My husband and I have a four year old Iphone that we don't use. I SO struggle with giving it to him...and haven't as yet. My husband (not his father) is very against it. He feels like it's Difficult Child has no job, no motivation, lives with his father for free. Any suggestion? This just totally exhausts me......
  2. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Merry Christmas, Wakeup

    There is no right thing or wrong thing to do about the phone. If you want him to have the phone for you, for you to be able to reach him, to feel less worried, go ahead, if that is what you want to do. If he is not working or doing much else, how worse could it be to have the phone?

    If I may ask why do you pay for his phone service? For him or for you?

    In our case I do not buy my son phones or help him financially in any way, except for paying his train fare every now and then. I have a good excuse. He receives SSI.

    My son is adopted too, and has a history of ADHD, and later, mood disorder and anxiety. For me, that does not take away the need to be responsible and productive.

    I do not agree with how my son lives, but I have realized it is none of my business. What I can do is take care of myself, but focusing on my own needs and my well-being, and let him be. We do not have to take responsibility for how they live their lives. They do.

    There is an article on detachment which is on this site. I urge you to read it. We will always love them but it is time that they own their problems, the effects and their solution.

    Take care. I am glad you are here. Keep posting.

  3. SeekingStrength

    SeekingStrength Well-Known Member

    Hi Wakeup,

    Has your son destroyed the other cell phones on purpose? If so, I might be reluctant to give him another one, even one I did not use.....hoping he would catch on to the importance of NOT destroying the phone. Since he is living with his dad, there is someone to keep up with him.

    (I think I am voting against giving the phone, not certain). I was certainly helping my Difficult Child with phones when he was age 20, but then, there were a lot of things I would do differently, knowing what I know now.

    But, Copa is right; there is no right or wrong. We know that much. So, please do something fun and try to get your mind off the phone.

    Your husband being very against it may cause problems for you? It is so much easier when folks agree.

  4. A dad

    A dad Active Member

    First what is a Gophone?
    Now usually I will say do not give it to him but then again if you do not use the phone you husband does not and you do not wanna sell it then give it to him you actually find a use for that phone. Better then in the end being thrown without seeing any other use.
    I see no problem giving things I do not need to whoever because well I do not need and its a waste of space. Now as long as you do not pay his phone bills it does not matter.
    But here comes the issue is the phone worth arguing with you husband?
  5. wakeupcall

    wakeupcall Well-Known Member

    No, not worth fighting with husband. Yes, I pay for Difficult Child's phone service, but nothing else...not even a dime for gas. Yes, he broke the phones by throwing them. Thanks, everyone, I think I will NOT give him the phone. Sometimes I just need a different perspective without all the emotion. All of you are so good at that, I appreciate it.
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I would never give him a phone again. There are free phones now and cheap throwaway phones. He is an adult. Make him pay for his own things, especially if he breaks t hem.

  7. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    I think it depends on what you need for peace of mind. We do pay for a phone for my son....we do this because in the worst times when he was homeless I could at least check on line and if he was using his phone I knew he was alive....
  8. Carol B.

    Carol B. New Member

    Merry Christmas to you,

    We have gone through the phone issue to many times to count. Thought of putting our son on our plan...then realized that it would not be a smart idea. I can't tell you how many times he has broken, "lost" a phone...amazing I have never lost a phone like he has. Stopped buying them for him and paying. He found a way to get a free Obama phone (look it up and find out the info), then take him off your plan. My son has had learning difficulties, struggled in school, diagnosed with ADD...very addictive personality. Some how now that he is living a "nomadic" life he finds a way to get phones from charities, "street family", the government programs (like Obama phone). My son is 31 and has chosen the way to live....we were there to support him with finding places to live, taking him to get applications/job interviews.....four years ago he decided to run from everything...he thinks he is taking care of himself and his "girlfriend".

    It is a difficult road to see them travel on, taking emotion and enabling out of it as much as you can relieves us, the parents, of the feeling of guilt.

    They will find a way to get what they need.

    Remember to take care of you and hubby first, do what is right for your heart.
  9. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hi Wakeup and Happy Joy filled Holidays to you. I have been pondering this, it is hard. I agree there is no right or wrong, but I would not give my two phones, they would not appreciate the gesture......Seems as if you have decided.
    If circumstances change, you can always change your mind!
  10. wakeupcall

    wakeupcall Well-Known Member

    Well, I've not caved, have not gotten him a phone of any kind. His father bought him another GoPhone that is good for thirty days; whatever that means. Ex said Difficult Child and I can work out the phone issue in the next thirty days. . .?? WHAT???

    In the meantime he has blown up the motor in his vehicle (the fourth one he's had in 18 mo) and his father is fixing it. I give up!!!! I think Difficult Child took it "mudding" and did some damage. What on earth is ex thinking? Baffles me...
  11. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Sure. You have worked out that HE can pay for a GoPhone every 30 days. Its not on you. He being either Ex or Difficult Child
  12. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I cut M off of our cell service almost two years ago - FINALLY. He rarely called us, and he really made one final mistake in purposely not calling me when my father died, in order to fulfill my father's wish that he could prove to me that dad could "do whatever he wanted with my children" because "everyone knew my dad was a good man and that I was nothing."

    M knew he wasn't to not call me. We knew dad was dying. M knew he shouldn't just let me know from some random stranger, which is exactly how I learned. But more to the point, M was 27 years old & married. No one paid for my phone - or rent or food or anything else - when I was 27. I gave him too much "stuff" and I always did. My error. It's nothing that I can fix, and all I can do now is hope that he finally figures life out. But his is a burden I can no longer bear.

    I wouldn't give him the phone, but I don't know your circumstances.
  13. DoneDad

    DoneDad Active Member

    I detached from our 2 kids phone needs/wants recently. Since it's something they really wanted, they found a way to get phone service. One got Ting which is a good deal. If we keep doing for them, they have no reason to learn to do for themselves.