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<blockquote data-quote="tishthedish" data-source="post: 644592" data-attributes="member: 17103"><p>Cedar,</p><p>It is so unfair that you can work so hard to come through past trials only to learn that they morph and come at you in a different directions. You can't help but feel gobsmacked again. What you and so many of us have worked to achieve...equilibrium in the face of chaos and maelstrom...can be jeopardized by difficult child's behaviors at any time.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>When things have been quiet for awhile I find myself letting my boundaries be compromised piece by piece. My difficult child's seem to know when my resolve weakens. I start to treat them as if we can have normal relationships. Their indication of this is that I am happier. It's almost as if they can't stand to see it. They immediately launch a stress initiative to wage war on my peace of mind. And my arms get so tired holding up those protective walls.</p><p></p><p>I have been dealing with mental health issues my entire life in one way or another, parents, self, children, siblings. And I think that they can randomly flare, much like people with systemic problems like allergies, lupus, MS. When the conditions are right for these flares... a perceived slight, an unkind word, a lack of attention the switch is flipped and another episode comes on.</p><p></p><p>I have learned from this site (from you in particular dear Cedar), therapy, books and al-anon how to admit the problems, face the necessary consequences and make the changes in my own life in order to allay my suffering.</p><p></p><p>But here's the rub. We are going to have to do this over and over and over again for the rest of our lives. We get the occasional respite, but most times our difficult child's never muster the requisite energy to gain a permanent solution to their underlying problems, whether they be bipolar, disordered thinking, paranoia, narcissism, manipulative behaviors.</p><p></p><p>When you weigh things in your mind, if your daughter is not bringing as much energy to addressing her underlying situation (short of asking you for plane tickets to escape) as you are worrying about it, you may need to step up and then step back.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>How long ago is "some time"? Please remind me how old the grandkids are now. Remember I had a 4-year old special needs/non-verbal grandson that was found neck deep in water in a nearby lake. </p><p></p><p>I am going to quote back to you something you said to me in my very first post. It had such an important impact on me and I have read and reread it in order to measure my judgment and behavior by it when I am in the fog. Here it is:</p><p></p><p></p><p>When things like this are happening in my life, like now, I find myself sleepless and fretting and while my head is spinning my sons' heads are probably resting comfortably in a deep sleep on their pillows. You are probably exhausted. Are you up for a visit with an agitated difficult child? The baggage she'll be bringing may test your hard-earned peace of mind. When I get twisted up in the "what ifs" I defer to my husband. While you probably had to lead your husband to the serenity well, it sounds as if he may find it easier to maintain a cool head in the face of an oncoming storm.</p><p></p><p>Finally, </p><p>You questioned yourself in an earlier post:</p><p> Well, what kind of mom uses her children in a threat like that against their father to the point where he has to quit his job? You are a good mother. A great mother. What would you advise if it were me or MWM or COM or Guide Me.</p><p></p><p>We stand with you Cedar. I am so sorry for this stormy weather in the tranquil life you fought so hard for and deserve.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="tishthedish, post: 644592, member: 17103"] Cedar, It is so unfair that you can work so hard to come through past trials only to learn that they morph and come at you in a different directions. You can't help but feel gobsmacked again. What you and so many of us have worked to achieve...equilibrium in the face of chaos and maelstrom...can be jeopardized by difficult child's behaviors at any time. When things have been quiet for awhile I find myself letting my boundaries be compromised piece by piece. My difficult child's seem to know when my resolve weakens. I start to treat them as if we can have normal relationships. Their indication of this is that I am happier. It's almost as if they can't stand to see it. They immediately launch a stress initiative to wage war on my peace of mind. And my arms get so tired holding up those protective walls. I have been dealing with mental health issues my entire life in one way or another, parents, self, children, siblings. And I think that they can randomly flare, much like people with systemic problems like allergies, lupus, MS. When the conditions are right for these flares... a perceived slight, an unkind word, a lack of attention the switch is flipped and another episode comes on. I have learned from this site (from you in particular dear Cedar), therapy, books and al-anon how to admit the problems, face the necessary consequences and make the changes in my own life in order to allay my suffering. But here's the rub. We are going to have to do this over and over and over again for the rest of our lives. We get the occasional respite, but most times our difficult child's never muster the requisite energy to gain a permanent solution to their underlying problems, whether they be bipolar, disordered thinking, paranoia, narcissism, manipulative behaviors. When you weigh things in your mind, if your daughter is not bringing as much energy to addressing her underlying situation (short of asking you for plane tickets to escape) as you are worrying about it, you may need to step up and then step back. How long ago is "some time"? Please remind me how old the grandkids are now. Remember I had a 4-year old special needs/non-verbal grandson that was found neck deep in water in a nearby lake. I am going to quote back to you something you said to me in my very first post. It had such an important impact on me and I have read and reread it in order to measure my judgment and behavior by it when I am in the fog. Here it is: When things like this are happening in my life, like now, I find myself sleepless and fretting and while my head is spinning my sons' heads are probably resting comfortably in a deep sleep on their pillows. You are probably exhausted. Are you up for a visit with an agitated difficult child? The baggage she'll be bringing may test your hard-earned peace of mind. When I get twisted up in the "what ifs" I defer to my husband. While you probably had to lead your husband to the serenity well, it sounds as if he may find it easier to maintain a cool head in the face of an oncoming storm. Finally, You questioned yourself in an earlier post: Well, what kind of mom uses her children in a threat like that against their father to the point where he has to quit his job? You are a good mother. A great mother. What would you advise if it were me or MWM or COM or Guide Me. We stand with you Cedar. I am so sorry for this stormy weather in the tranquil life you fought so hard for and deserve. [/QUOTE]
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