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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 645324" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>I am so glad you overheard those good things. </p><p></p><p>It is crucially important for us to be away from the negativity surrounding our difficult child kids. We are separate people, good people, interesting people even. It seems impossible to believe there is anything good about us, when our difficult child kids see us as they do, and when our difficult child kids make the choices and take their lives in the directions they take them.</p><p></p><p>We are alone so much with the hurt of it. With the hurt of how it is that our child is being hurt or is scared or disadvantaged in some way, or alone.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>That was pretty funny, Alby.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>I wonder what would have happened with my children if I had been that kind of mom. I think what happens to us when our kids have gone a bad way is that whatever we did, we take on the responsibility of that having been somehow the wrong thing. Somewhere in our truest heart, we continue to believe we are the culprits here, that there was some essential something we missed. </p><p></p><p>I don't know how to think my way out of that, because I feel it, too. </p><p></p><p>This is part of the reason we all get hooked back in, I think. We hear those old echoes and hope that if we help in just the right amount this time, or if we don't help at all this time, or if we help, but behave differently toward them this time, something will change.</p><p></p><p>In addition to the money spent when we cosigned for difficult child daughter apartment and paid her credit card every month and paid damages on the apartment and sent difficult child money and clothing at the treatment center she was state-mandated to attend and from which she escaped to go back to the dirty rotten scoundrel she was "in love" with at the time...we gave her $1000 cash, when she and the father of our now 15 year old grandchild needed help to get their licenses and titles and etc straightened around. (Different man altogether. The first one? Was in prison or jail somewhere for attempted vehicular homicide...of difficult child daughter.)</p><p></p><p>How could we not help, right?</p><p></p><p>That was the man who, three months later, did his level best to beat her to death.</p><p></p><p>I am helpless in the face of what is happening, and it keeps happening, and I don't know how to stand up to it, or how to see it or myself, or what to do.</p><p></p><p>It's very hard.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Me, too.</p><p></p><p>But this is what happened to me: difficult child son believes what I believe about where he is in life, and about what to do about that. The worse I felt about everything, the worse he felt about me, and about his own childhood, and my mothering, and my grandmotherhood.</p><p></p><p>When I stood up?</p><p></p><p>So is he.</p><p></p><p>So I am thinking we need not to defeat ourselves and our kids by giving in to those worrisome, nagging negative feelings about what happened to cause this.</p><p></p><p>"You were raised better."</p><p></p><p>"Stand up."</p><p></p><p>"I want to see the man your father and I raised you to be."</p><p></p><p>Those things seemed to make a difference with difficult child son.</p><p></p><p>So far, there is not too much that can make a difference with difficult child daughter. When she is mean, she is mean as a snake and does as she pleases.</p><p></p><p>Then, she cries.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Two things:</p><p></p><p>If we were the kinds of moms parenting difficult child kids makes us feel like we must have been, we would not give a care. We do care, very much.</p><p></p><p>How else did we all find this site?</p><p></p><p>There are probably other sites out there where the difficult child is condemned. We did not pick those.</p><p></p><p>I should go find one of those.</p><p></p><p>But that's not even funny, because I don't want to hate anyone. I feel so betrayed by everything that has happened with the kids. It would not be a huge leap for me, I don't think, to hate them for what they have done.</p><p></p><p>I think that is part of why I feel so responsible. The other choice is to blame them for what they are doing.</p><p></p><p>And those were my babies.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>Second thing: I believe the drugs out there today affect a person's capacity for empathy. My children (and your children too, I am sure) have done and are doing things they <em>never</em> learned at home. Those decisions they take, those first, initial assessments of things that then lead them down one stupidly monstrous path or another, have their basis, so many times, in a lack of empathy.</p><p></p><p>A lack of conscience.</p><p></p><p>They just don't care. Not about themselves and certainly, not about us.</p><p></p><p>That might be what that dead look in the eyes is about.</p><p></p><p>Pretty hurtful.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 645324, member: 17461"] I am so glad you overheard those good things. It is crucially important for us to be away from the negativity surrounding our difficult child kids. We are separate people, good people, interesting people even. It seems impossible to believe there is anything good about us, when our difficult child kids see us as they do, and when our difficult child kids make the choices and take their lives in the directions they take them. We are alone so much with the hurt of it. With the hurt of how it is that our child is being hurt or is scared or disadvantaged in some way, or alone. That was pretty funny, Alby. :O) I wonder what would have happened with my children if I had been that kind of mom. I think what happens to us when our kids have gone a bad way is that whatever we did, we take on the responsibility of that having been somehow the wrong thing. Somewhere in our truest heart, we continue to believe we are the culprits here, that there was some essential something we missed. I don't know how to think my way out of that, because I feel it, too. This is part of the reason we all get hooked back in, I think. We hear those old echoes and hope that if we help in just the right amount this time, or if we don't help at all this time, or if we help, but behave differently toward them this time, something will change. In addition to the money spent when we cosigned for difficult child daughter apartment and paid her credit card every month and paid damages on the apartment and sent difficult child money and clothing at the treatment center she was state-mandated to attend and from which she escaped to go back to the dirty rotten scoundrel she was "in love" with at the time...we gave her $1000 cash, when she and the father of our now 15 year old grandchild needed help to get their licenses and titles and etc straightened around. (Different man altogether. The first one? Was in prison or jail somewhere for attempted vehicular homicide...of difficult child daughter.) How could we not help, right? That was the man who, three months later, did his level best to beat her to death. I am helpless in the face of what is happening, and it keeps happening, and I don't know how to stand up to it, or how to see it or myself, or what to do. It's very hard. Me, too. But this is what happened to me: difficult child son believes what I believe about where he is in life, and about what to do about that. The worse I felt about everything, the worse he felt about me, and about his own childhood, and my mothering, and my grandmotherhood. When I stood up? So is he. So I am thinking we need not to defeat ourselves and our kids by giving in to those worrisome, nagging negative feelings about what happened to cause this. "You were raised better." "Stand up." "I want to see the man your father and I raised you to be." Those things seemed to make a difference with difficult child son. So far, there is not too much that can make a difference with difficult child daughter. When she is mean, she is mean as a snake and does as she pleases. Then, she cries. Two things: If we were the kinds of moms parenting difficult child kids makes us feel like we must have been, we would not give a care. We do care, very much. How else did we all find this site? There are probably other sites out there where the difficult child is condemned. We did not pick those. I should go find one of those. But that's not even funny, because I don't want to hate anyone. I feel so betrayed by everything that has happened with the kids. It would not be a huge leap for me, I don't think, to hate them for what they have done. I think that is part of why I feel so responsible. The other choice is to blame them for what they are doing. And those were my babies. *** Second thing: I believe the drugs out there today affect a person's capacity for empathy. My children (and your children too, I am sure) have done and are doing things they [I]never[/I] learned at home. Those decisions they take, those first, initial assessments of things that then lead them down one stupidly monstrous path or another, have their basis, so many times, in a lack of empathy. A lack of conscience. They just don't care. Not about themselves and certainly, not about us. That might be what that dead look in the eyes is about. Pretty hurtful. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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