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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 645453" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Ladies, for most of us, none of this is our fault. I am reading an amazing book now called "When Parents Hurt" by Dr. Joshua Coleman. Now, if we beat or sexually abused our kids, belittled them constantly, had substance abuse problems ourselves (this was listed as a risk so I'm just passing it on) or (Drat! I forgot the last risk...lol). It's a good book. I recommend it as a comfort to any of us...getting back on point, if we did those things, naturally they will affect our children as adults. But not all kids become professional victims...some decide not to let it define them and get help. This is beyond our control.</p><p></p><p>But if we didn't, we tried our best and probably gave our kids more than they needed...DNA comes into this. Yes, DNA is mentioned in this book. We can not change THAT. Many of us have more than one child and neither were abused, yet one turns out to be our worst nightmare and the other one turns to be exactly how we hoped our kids would turn out. If we were so horrible, how did this happen?</p><p></p><p>There are some people who are born too sensitive, too differently wired, too negativist, and even too violent for ANY parent to get a better result. You think if somebody else raised them it would have been different?</p><p></p><p>I worked at a medical answering service and we had many psychologists and psychiatrists on the board. Because of the nature of the job, we knew very personal things about them. Our busiest psychiatrist had two children. One was in a mental hospital for cutting, anorexia, and other issues. The other was also a mess. Time has made me forget his problems...I'm thinking it was drugs.</p><p></p><p>A psychiatrist has the highest training in human behavior that exists and even they can't always do it right. Or make their particular children turn out the way we'd like. I know this man's daughter had been in the hospital for at least a year.</p><p></p><p>How can we blame ourselves when psychiatrists can't always get it right? How can we think it's not, somehow, the wiring of the child. Who did we have this child with? Is this child like our ex-other half? Is the child like Aunt Sally whom we try not to talk about? Uncle Clyde who is an alcoholic? How can we expect ourselves to be so brilliant that we can overcome genes passed along from people we couldn't help and didn't understand and still don't?</p><p></p><p>Think of what you all have done for your adult children. And then think about how illogical it is to blame ourselves when these were not the examples we set for them nor what we taught them for eighteen years?</p><p></p><p>I put the onus on genetics. I knew before I had a child about my family tree and I chose to have a child anyway and, boy, he did things I'd NEVER have done, but many of my DNA collection would have. In a way I do blame myself, but for not following my instincts not to pass my dang genetic mess onto a beloved child. His personality is very hardwired into him. Yet he is slowly getting better.</p><p></p><p>Remember that many problems, such as personality disorders, tend to level off in middle age. Nobody knows why. Honestly, unless Son is under tremendous stress, in which case he is wired to totally fall apart, he is doing pretty good and we get along really well UNLESS he is under tremendous stress. That is HIS hard-wiring at work.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 645453, member: 1550"] Ladies, for most of us, none of this is our fault. I am reading an amazing book now called "When Parents Hurt" by Dr. Joshua Coleman. Now, if we beat or sexually abused our kids, belittled them constantly, had substance abuse problems ourselves (this was listed as a risk so I'm just passing it on) or (Drat! I forgot the last risk...lol). It's a good book. I recommend it as a comfort to any of us...getting back on point, if we did those things, naturally they will affect our children as adults. But not all kids become professional victims...some decide not to let it define them and get help. This is beyond our control. But if we didn't, we tried our best and probably gave our kids more than they needed...DNA comes into this. Yes, DNA is mentioned in this book. We can not change THAT. Many of us have more than one child and neither were abused, yet one turns out to be our worst nightmare and the other one turns to be exactly how we hoped our kids would turn out. If we were so horrible, how did this happen? There are some people who are born too sensitive, too differently wired, too negativist, and even too violent for ANY parent to get a better result. You think if somebody else raised them it would have been different? I worked at a medical answering service and we had many psychologists and psychiatrists on the board. Because of the nature of the job, we knew very personal things about them. Our busiest psychiatrist had two children. One was in a mental hospital for cutting, anorexia, and other issues. The other was also a mess. Time has made me forget his problems...I'm thinking it was drugs. A psychiatrist has the highest training in human behavior that exists and even they can't always do it right. Or make their particular children turn out the way we'd like. I know this man's daughter had been in the hospital for at least a year. How can we blame ourselves when psychiatrists can't always get it right? How can we think it's not, somehow, the wiring of the child. Who did we have this child with? Is this child like our ex-other half? Is the child like Aunt Sally whom we try not to talk about? Uncle Clyde who is an alcoholic? How can we expect ourselves to be so brilliant that we can overcome genes passed along from people we couldn't help and didn't understand and still don't? Think of what you all have done for your adult children. And then think about how illogical it is to blame ourselves when these were not the examples we set for them nor what we taught them for eighteen years? I put the onus on genetics. I knew before I had a child about my family tree and I chose to have a child anyway and, boy, he did things I'd NEVER have done, but many of my DNA collection would have. In a way I do blame myself, but for not following my instincts not to pass my dang genetic mess onto a beloved child. His personality is very hardwired into him. Yet he is slowly getting better. Remember that many problems, such as personality disorders, tend to level off in middle age. Nobody knows why. Honestly, unless Son is under tremendous stress, in which case he is wired to totally fall apart, he is doing pretty good and we get along really well UNLESS he is under tremendous stress. That is HIS hard-wiring at work. [/QUOTE]
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