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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 645466" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>These are chain of consciousness light bulb moments that came through as a result of reading these posts. I am going to go ahead and post, because others of us may be able to trace through their own recovery processes more easily if I share my process.</p><p></p><p>I am so grateful for this site, and for all of us, and for the commitment to healing we have created, together.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Lightbulb moment.</p><p></p><p>Oh for heaven's sake, how could I not have put those two pieces together!!!</p><p></p><p>The reason I did not put them together is that I would rather believe my children are damaged, were somehow damaged by me, than that they are mean. Plus, I would never bring up what happened between my mother and myself in an accusatory way to her because I have seen her crumble (around the issue of an electric burner on high), and it didn't change anything and I don't want to hurt her. </p><p></p><p>I just want to heal me.</p><p></p><p>It's like, when you see the victimizers so clearly that you decide victimhood too is a choice and refuse it, you cannot be surprised or hurt in the same way, anymore. What I have come to understand through all the writing I have done here on the site is that, probably because victimizing others is nothing personal to the victim, persons who do that kind of thing will do continue to try to hurt you, so you need to be aware and never trust them. </p><p></p><p>Just as I don't trust my sister. I trust that she will call again, and that it will be the same game.</p><p></p><p>I want to stand up to her, and to my mother, but I don't want to hurt either one. I don't want to continue to perceive myself through the filters they insist on.</p><p></p><p>I assume that same reluctance to hurt me motivates my kids <em>but it does not.</em></p><p></p><p>They are being spoiled brat bullies when they say the things they say. And I have allowed and tried to understand it...when what I need to do is confront it, and say what I see and rebalance the situation.</p><p></p><p>It's a natural progression until we stop it, when you think about it. Though we would never have allowed the kinds of things that happen routinely with a difficult child to go unaddressed when the kids were little, the only consequence we can apply at this point is not to help.</p><p></p><p>And then <em>we</em> feel badly. And that whole overwhelming cascade of guilt and accusation and regret and shame and bravery and exposure buries us alive. </p><p></p><p>But I am the one who created the dependency.</p><p></p><p>But not in a bad way. In a normal, I love my kids parent way. It went on too long, it happened too many times, the situation was too dire, and a dependency was created. It became a habit to resent it, to fix it, to make dire predictions about it...and to do it all over again.</p><p></p><p>And then, difficult child son fell apart, too.</p><p></p><p>Proof that I must have done something terrible, or that I was just unfit as a mother or even, as a person.</p><p></p><p>But if these things have a genetic base.... MWM, your post this morning could not have come at a more perfect time for me to hear it.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>You know what it is is that I don't want to lose my children, don't want to lose my family, all that warmth, all that prettiness and happiness and food cooking. I keep fighting to create what should have been the natural progression of the way things were when I was the responsible one and created that life for all of us.</p><p></p><p>So I am beginning to get a little pissed, here.</p><p></p><p>What an ugly trick has happened to all of us.</p><p></p><p>It is a strange truth that I take responsibility (and thus, the illusion of control) for so much that is unexplainable. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Oh, wow.</p><p></p><p>I love this.</p><p></p><p>How can we expect ourselves to be so brilliant that we can overcome genes passed along from people we <em>couldn't help and didn't understand and still don't.</em></p><p></p><p>MWM, you are golden, here.</p><p></p><p>It's feels like things are falling into place and assembling themselves. The self concept recreated carries no guilt.</p><p></p><p>I feel like Sleeping Beauty, waking up.</p><p></p><p>Remember in that movie, when the entire forest comes back to life.</p><p></p><p>Man, I have been guilty for so many years....</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>"...think how illogical it is to blame ourselves when these were not the examples we set...."</p><p></p><p>I never could figure that one out, MWM! That is why I was so focused on the idea that somehow I had hurt my children in the ways I had been hurt and then, blocked it out. I have spent years and years trying to figure out what I did.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Not in a million years.</p><p></p><p>"...and, boy, he did things I'd NEVER have done."</p><p></p><p>This is so true, MWM!!!</p><p></p><p>But before, I was trying to ferret out where she learned to do that, how she'd been hurt ~ what, in all the hells that ever were, I had done, for her life to follow the patterns it does.</p><p></p><p>And I have believed, for all these long, long years, that I had indeed done something. I just could not figure out what it was. Some intrinsic something I could not see was all I could come up with.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>"...my dang genetic mess...beloved child."</p><p></p><p>This is beautiful, MWM.</p><p></p><p>This conversation will enable me to let go of judging myself, or either difficult child.</p><p></p><p>They are beloved.</p><p></p><p>I believed that capacity to see what is and accept it without judging either them (which I could not, would not, do) or myself (which I have done, in spades) would never happen outside of conscious choice. Or outside of blaming myself for their situations, of feeling guilt at my own good fortune because I have enough when they have so little.</p><p></p><p>I have posted before about the guilt I feel when I go shopping. I fixate on the things I should be buying, for grandchildren, especially.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I should post this on the fridge.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 645466, member: 17461"] These are chain of consciousness light bulb moments that came through as a result of reading these posts. I am going to go ahead and post, because others of us may be able to trace through their own recovery processes more easily if I share my process. I am so grateful for this site, and for all of us, and for the commitment to healing we have created, together. Lightbulb moment. Oh for heaven's sake, how could I not have put those two pieces together!!! The reason I did not put them together is that I would rather believe my children are damaged, were somehow damaged by me, than that they are mean. Plus, I would never bring up what happened between my mother and myself in an accusatory way to her because I have seen her crumble (around the issue of an electric burner on high), and it didn't change anything and I don't want to hurt her. I just want to heal me. It's like, when you see the victimizers so clearly that you decide victimhood too is a choice and refuse it, you cannot be surprised or hurt in the same way, anymore. What I have come to understand through all the writing I have done here on the site is that, probably because victimizing others is nothing personal to the victim, persons who do that kind of thing will do continue to try to hurt you, so you need to be aware and never trust them. Just as I don't trust my sister. I trust that she will call again, and that it will be the same game. I want to stand up to her, and to my mother, but I don't want to hurt either one. I don't want to continue to perceive myself through the filters they insist on. I assume that same reluctance to hurt me motivates my kids [I]but it does not.[/I] They are being spoiled brat bullies when they say the things they say. And I have allowed and tried to understand it...when what I need to do is confront it, and say what I see and rebalance the situation. It's a natural progression until we stop it, when you think about it. Though we would never have allowed the kinds of things that happen routinely with a difficult child to go unaddressed when the kids were little, the only consequence we can apply at this point is not to help. And then [I]we[/I] feel badly. And that whole overwhelming cascade of guilt and accusation and regret and shame and bravery and exposure buries us alive. But I am the one who created the dependency. But not in a bad way. In a normal, I love my kids parent way. It went on too long, it happened too many times, the situation was too dire, and a dependency was created. It became a habit to resent it, to fix it, to make dire predictions about it...and to do it all over again. And then, difficult child son fell apart, too. Proof that I must have done something terrible, or that I was just unfit as a mother or even, as a person. But if these things have a genetic base.... MWM, your post this morning could not have come at a more perfect time for me to hear it. :O) You know what it is is that I don't want to lose my children, don't want to lose my family, all that warmth, all that prettiness and happiness and food cooking. I keep fighting to create what should have been the natural progression of the way things were when I was the responsible one and created that life for all of us. So I am beginning to get a little pissed, here. What an ugly trick has happened to all of us. It is a strange truth that I take responsibility (and thus, the illusion of control) for so much that is unexplainable. Oh, wow. I love this. How can we expect ourselves to be so brilliant that we can overcome genes passed along from people we [I]couldn't help and didn't understand and still don't.[/I] MWM, you are golden, here. It's feels like things are falling into place and assembling themselves. The self concept recreated carries no guilt. I feel like Sleeping Beauty, waking up. Remember in that movie, when the entire forest comes back to life. Man, I have been guilty for so many years.... "...think how illogical it is to blame ourselves when these were not the examples we set...." I never could figure that one out, MWM! That is why I was so focused on the idea that somehow I had hurt my children in the ways I had been hurt and then, blocked it out. I have spent years and years trying to figure out what I did. Not in a million years. "...and, boy, he did things I'd NEVER have done." This is so true, MWM!!! But before, I was trying to ferret out where she learned to do that, how she'd been hurt ~ what, in all the hells that ever were, I had done, for her life to follow the patterns it does. And I have believed, for all these long, long years, that I had indeed done something. I just could not figure out what it was. Some intrinsic something I could not see was all I could come up with. "...my dang genetic mess...beloved child." This is beautiful, MWM. This conversation will enable me to let go of judging myself, or either difficult child. They are beloved. I believed that capacity to see what is and accept it without judging either them (which I could not, would not, do) or myself (which I have done, in spades) would never happen outside of conscious choice. Or outside of blaming myself for their situations, of feeling guilt at my own good fortune because I have enough when they have so little. I have posted before about the guilt I feel when I go shopping. I fixate on the things I should be buying, for grandchildren, especially. I should post this on the fridge. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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