Today is the Day

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by midatlanticdenial, Oct 10, 2014.

  1. Good Morning to All,

    Yesterday my son called me from the Detox Center. "Hi Mom, so they're letting me go tomorrow and I need a ride." I told him there is still the issue of the charges pending against him. To which he gets an attitude and says that he thought if he went to detox I would drop the charges. I told him I can't do that. It's time he own up to what he did and accept responsibility. "Oh, so you just want me to go jail." No, I want you to get the help you need for your addiction. "Well there aren't any beds available, so I guess I'll just go to jail."

    It just kind of went on from there. He told me, he figured I must have been in paradise all week since he's been gone. Nice huh? I know he's trying to manipulate me and make me feel guilty. The attitude just continued. There was no remorse, no apologies, no acceptance of the "real situation". I was hoping that detox would be the first step of realizing he is in a bad place. The more I think about the conversation, the more angrier I get. It has been paradise without him there. The drama, the anxiety of not knowing what is going to happen next. I didn't have to sleep with my wallet and keys inside my pillow. There was a sense of freedom. It hurts, but he's 23 years old and he still doesn't get it. No more slap on the wrist and let's move on and pretend nothing happened. I've done that one too many times. I'm worn out. So I will alert the police as to his whereabouts and let them go get him. I will advocate for rehab, because I know deep down inside, there is a good person with a bright future. He needs to know that what he has done is not acceptable and he finally has to face the truth. Hopefully, this next part of the journey will be the "wake up" call he needs.

    Finding more strength every day. SANITY!
     
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  2. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Good for you. You have reached the pivotal point in this journey where it becomes about us and not them. Major kudos.
     
  3. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    This difficult child control and manipulation at it's core. If he can convince you that it is YOU and you can prevent him from going to jail, well why wouldn't he do that? Duh? Don't you see it is always, always, our fault that they are in whatever situation and if we allow them to mentally/emotionally abuse us long enough, break down our barriers to the TRUTH as they see it - well then they win. And it is ALWAYS, ALWAYS, about them winning whatever it is about.
     
  4. Update for the day: He called this morning and asked if I was going to pick him up and I told him I could not do that. I told him he needs to turn himself in and account for his actions. He's a little more subdued. He told me he would just walk next door and turn himself and who knows when he will talk to me again. That was that.

    Just called a little while ago from the police station. He turned himself in and is now out on bond. He needs a ride. I told him I can't give you a ride until I get off work. That's 3 1/2 hours from now. I let him know I would take him to the house so he could pack his things and find a motel. Reality really sinking in. The voice is quivering. His phone is dead so he can't really make any phone calls. I'm trying to stay strong and consistent. I've never been able to hold out this long. But my heart is still broken. I know this is the right thing to do.

    Sorry for rambling on but sometimes it's easier for me to just type away as I'm thinking. It's very therapeutic for me. I don't do well when I try to speak what I'm feeling. The words don't come out right.
     
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  5. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Just take it as it comes, one moment at a time.

    Keep thinking first about what is right for you. It is long past time to evoke the 51 percent rule. You are 51%. He is 49%. It is now your time first with him second. If you will keep this 1% edge, you will start to make decisions that are best for you and strangely, those decisions will also be best for him.

    The mommy days are past. He is a man and it is time to take responsibility as a man.

    Don't get confused by your feelings. Your feelings are real but they are not facts, in terms of being your guideposts. Feel them but don't act on them. In order to do this you will have to have time and space and distance from him. Strangely, that Is also what he needs as well so he can have a real chance to grow up.

    Hang in there. You are in the thick of it. Go slow. Write down what you want to say and do and refer to that when you are confused and upset and are triggered to go back to your old behaviors. We are here circling the wagons around you.
     
  6. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    The firstthing I thought of when he said it must have been paradise with him gone is yes it was. Stay strong. He will escalate. If he is like my daughter at all he will up the ante, threaten, swear, say he's going to kill himself, etc. Let him know you will help him if he does the right thing and gets help, nothing more.

    I'm thinking about you, this is so tough but you can be strong.
     
  7. Thank you all for the words of wisdom. You have all helped me over a major hump. Every event is a test that makes us stronger.

    I will keep you updated. I will be working all weekend so there will not be time for much interaction. Curious to see what the next move of his will be.
     
  8. So I picked him up and brought him back to the house. All the way home there was attitude. Once home and packing a total meltdown amd reality check? He said to me after the meltdown that he can finally think clearer. He had so much going thru his head that he needs some space. He then gave me a hug and told me he loved me and was going to call my sister who knows counselors that have offered to help if he wants it.

    My heart was breaking but I knew it was the right thing to do. He was spiraling out off control. He would be dead soon
     
  9. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I hope that somewhere in that stew of emotions that you are feeling is pride for yourself. Why? Because you are an amazing and awesome mom who gave her son what he needed. Yes, by pressing charges, by not dropping them because he went to detox, by not 'letting it go', by not letting him stay wtih you, you are giving him what he really NEEDS. At his age I was married, with a child, a job, a mortgage, and going to school full time. So were a LOT of people I knew. Sure some were partying and lost, but mostly by age 23 or so we had moved past that point to the working to build a future or at least pay most of our way.

    You may want to search the forum for the phrase "Do to Get". It is a phrase that I remember from Fran, the previous site owner. If he wants something, he must do something for you to get it. Period. You set the terms, and that is that. If he really wants something, he will do what you say he needs to do to earn it. It is simple and not at the same time. It is also very effective, in my opinion, esp with adult difficult children.

    Hugs, and stay strong. You really ARE doing the right thing.
     
  10. I'm riding that rollercoaster again. After another week + a few days of being gone, difficult child called and asked to come home. He's ready to commit to getting help. I always told him I would help him as long as he was moving in the right direction and willing to get the help he needs. There are ground rules. I will not give him money but I will put gas in the truck so he can get back and forth to rehab. The best we can do is outpatient. There is just no residential openings at the moment. His door is never closed, he is to actively seek employment, he is to respect us and our home. He is out on bail and technically not supposed to have contact with us. (Am I a moron?) I know deep down there is a good young man in there. It's hard in a way because he was never the kid in trouble. He was good, didn't skip school, never got into trouble in school or outside of school. (Unlike his older brother, who couldn't stay out of trouble). Then all of a sudden, the drugs took over. I played hardball, but now I'm willing to give the second chance.

    At the same time, am I enabling again? By providing resources that allow him to at least get to his meetings, is that wrong? He has to go to court next week. He has a public defender. I don't know what will come of that. Maybe still living in a fantasy thinking things will go back to the way they were a couple of years ago, before.....

    I know he is 23 and a man. Yes by 23, I was married with a full time job and a baby. I know he has put himself into this situation. He is looking for a job. His car insurance is due in a couple of days. He has no money to pay it. If it gets cancelled, then he can't drive, can't go to his meetings (which are at night), can't look for a job, etc. Is this a catch 22? I work two jobs and my husband works nights. We sort of live in a slightly rural area. Taking the bus isn't an option. Is this making excuses? This is where I am so conflicted. On one hand, I'm angry at him for creating this situation, on the other, the mommy in me comes out.

    I thought I was strong enough to hold out, but I guess I'm too new at this life. Do I have to have it thrown back in my face a few times, before I "get it"? Do we as parents "fall off the wagon" just as addicts do? I am rambling. I was really hoping I could get him into a residential program and get him off of my hands and out of my thoughts and not keep it in the family dynamic any more.

    Everyone in this forum, seems so strong and capable of disconnecting. Did you have to travel over many bumps before you got there? It's so hard to talk to family. Although they all want to help, they don't really know what we're going thru. I'm in a low place today and it is consuming my thoughts and disrupting my work. That should be answer enough, right?

    I've babbled enough and guess I should attempt to get some real work done. At least I got my thoughts out for now.

    One day at a time.....
     
  11. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome. I was not strong and I had a very hard time disconnecting. What worked for me was to help my daughter when she admitted she wanted help and set down ground rules that could not be crossed. Yes we had to make her leave our home when she corssed the boundaries but we also helped her get into rehab, outpatient aftercare, sober living, job hunting, etc. Our goal was for her to get help and be able to support herself. As long as she was moving in that direction we supported that effort. We did provide her a car, it was a very used, hand me down from her sister but she needed transportation for work. We also did not hesitate to take that car away if she was not living up to her end of the agreement. We allowed her to come home as logn as she was working on recovery and following the rules. We made her leave when she wasn't.

    Trust me I was very torn when she was living ont he street or with druggies and it broke my heart to turn her away at times, but I also was quick to put out my hand when I thought she was reaching out for help.

    We all have to do what we feel comfortable with. If you believe your son is taking positive steps then I would help him. It is not enabling them if they are doing the next right thing.
     
  12. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Nothing is written in stone. You can give this a try and if it is not working out, and he is just blowing snow up your skirt you can pull the plug.
     
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