Christy, you did the right things. Everything. You had a number of big frights with this, from the thrown shoe to the running away. I can understand your anger - it would be a worry if you were not angry. I'm glad you're in touch with it and aware of it, too.
I'm wondering if part of your anger was feeling so very much out of control, when he wouldn't stop, when he did it again, when he ran and you had to call for back-up.
Calling the police for back-up was not a sign of weakness, it was exactly the right thing to do. You may have done it out of a feeling of not being in control, but it was you taking control back. If I'm trying to move a large piano up a flight of stairs, I will fail if I try to do it myself. It is not failure if I call for back-up from people more qualified than me (ie stronger!). If anything, I have used my brain and thought laterally, found other ways in which I can be effective. And my ultimate goal - to get that piano installed in the upstairs apartment - is achieved with a minimum of problems.
I talk about moving pianos, but physically I'm as weak as a kitten. I can't even run, which for me meant I couldn't run after my kids if they were walking into danger. I remember when easy child 2/difficult child 2 was about two years old, she ran across a field to a very large slide (slippery-dip, whatever you call them). It was so big I would never have slid down it when I was a kid. But this two year old shinnied up the ladder so fast, I was so scared for her. That time a friend ran after her, but even so, all the friend could do was wait underneath with arms at the ready in case the child fell. She slid down and was collared at the bottom - with heights, the girl knows no fear. We know NOW, she has always had incredible sense of balance.
difficult child 3 would run off. Sometimes it was a game; often it was just him running because he was happy. He didn't understand about his name so he wouldn't come when called. If you ran after him, he would look over his shoulder, giggle, and run faster.
But I couldn't run. All I could do was stand and watch.
What we learnt - if we chase him, he gets faster and often less careful about where he is going. While he is running, he is looking where he is going. But whenever he looks over his shoulder, he loses a bit more safety.
I learned to make other people stop chasing him as well. What happened - he would only run so far, then come back.
The whole point about running is so you can make a statement. If you're playing - maybe you can persuade someone else to join in even if they don't seem to want to play. If you're angry, running is a good way to burn off some of that adrenaline and maybe make someone else feel as angry as you do.
If you run and nobody else is running with you, it becomes fairly futile, as far as involving others. For someone who's angry, they will still maybe keep running for a while because the adrenaline is fuelling it, but it's not being added to by the sight of someone else lumbering along and shouting at them.
As a general rule, they will come back eventually. They have to, if they want to be fed and clothed. They may say, "I hate you, I will run away," but your house is where they keep everything they own, everything important to them. If they run away from you, they run away from their possessions too. And especially with boys, its amazing how their anger at you can be rationalised away when they get hungry.
In your son's case Christy, I'm really not sure what else you could have done. To leave him alone near all that traffic could have been tragic. But I am curious - if he keeps up this running away, see if you can take note of how many times he does it, in similarly dangerous situations. In which case, I would be really worrying about his level of depression. To run deliberately into real danger is almost like attempting suicide without responsibility - "if I get hit, it will be seen as an accident and not suicide. Not my fault in any way." I hope this doesn't happen. By getting that cop involved, you have I think done the best thing you could have, to prevent this.
The thrown shoe - you had to stop. Me, I would have grabbed the shoe and belted him back with it, but then I do get it wrong sometimes. To instead frisk him before every journey, make him remove his shoes and any heavy objects from his person may be a bit over the top, but if it keeps you safe... I agree with you, personal safety (yours as well as his) is paramount. There are also other drivers to consider.
Another possible consequence - you may have to avoid busy highways and freeways when driving him, for a while. of course this makes car journeys longer and more tedious - so whose fault is that?
I'm not trying to really make a point here, I guess. Maybe I'm just venting a bit too, or just kicking ideas around. You had only seconds to react, while here we've had 24 hours or more to think hard. And frankly, even with all this time I don't think any of us can better what you did, on the spur of the moment.
Your anger - it's a natural reaction, coming after that level of fear. Fear for your safety, fear for his. Now with the danger past, that anger is going to really rage for a while.
Others have said, and I agree, that you should never punish because you're angry. The reason you punish is because you want to ensure the lesson is learnt and the behaviour must be changed. If punishment is not only not going to teach this, but could actually make the problem worse - then you don't do it. But there can be more consequences than punishment, and consequences can reach a lot further and last longer sometimes.
I hope he doesn't run again; or if he does, it's not in such a dangerous place. Here's hoping there is at least enough impact to maybe make him choose a less dangerous way of expressing his anger.
Hugs, Christy. Don't be too hard on yourself - you have no reason to be, at all. I think you are a wonderful mother.
Marg
