Today's counseling session

[Shari]

Was strange. The counselor seemed to have picked up on husband's reluctance to cross his parents with regard to several issues and after briefly asking if we needed to discuss anything, then she sent husband off with a man counselor. She said she thinks he is going to need to hear stuff from a man, and wants to get to the root of why he won't cross his parents. She scheduled more sessions with just him before we both go back again.
He's been really quiet since we got home, too. Hm.....

 

[susiestar]

While this may sound odd, I think the therapist is right on the nose. He has to figure out why he won't cross his parents cause that is just not normal. Most adults will do things their parents don't like, not for that reason but because it is what they need/want to do. Your husband has some really odd family dynamics and needs to explore those. He also is going to talk more openly with a male therapist, as well as accept things better from him. He will probably always take input on his lack of doing anything except watch tv and what his parents want him to do as womanly nagging/nitpicking/sticking together rather than the honest and valid criticism that it is. So hearing from a MAN that he is way out of line and has NO right to expect you to do everything while he does what he wants and squanders his salary on himself and doesn't support the family may get some results and maybe even changes his actions and way of stinkin' thinkin'.

I am glad the therapist is smart enough to set this in motion. Make sure you have enough sessions of your own with her or someone else so that you can work through your feelings also.

 

[Shari]

Oh yeah, I think she's right on, too. But while know what she's doing, and you know what she's doing, husband has no idea... And basically she's getting him into individual counseling without him knowing....guess that's what I find odd...
She and I talked about random stuff. I meant to ask her about cgfg's graduation, but I forgot. But other than lots of praising, she's told me to just meet him head on with the rest...humor, return in kind, and outright 8 year old stuff (instead of saying put the towels away, specify which towels and where they go, each and every one...)

 

[Shari]

He's making jabs tonight. P/a is rearing it's ugly head. Counselor told me to meet it head on, so i did.
He tossed a tshirt of mine and 2 granny socks that I accidentally washed with his work clothes on my pillow. Normally, I would not have left the load unfolded, but I swapped the laundry right before we left tonight. When we got home, he put his stuff away while I was changing wee's bed, etc.
When I came into the bedroom, I hung the shirt on a hanger and he said 'that doesn't go in the drawer?' I said it didn't really matter where it goes, I don't care. Then I tossed the socks into my sock box and he said 'those going there?' yes...they are socks....they go in my sock box. And then I said 'why? Would you have put them away if you knew where they went?'.
He said no and went to sleep.
So is that meeting him head on and calling the behavior out?
And if the man uses 'I'm just so busy, when would i have had time' one more time, I think I'll puke. Let's see, this week alone he has fished from 5pm to dark 3 nights and rode his mule 5pm to dark one night... And Rode with me to ex-brother in law's one day/night. Today he slept til 1. Gee, I just don't know how you could pack anything more into thy schedule....

 

[Hound dog]

Yup. You called the behavior out and he didn't like it.

husband has a tendency to do this, although not near as much as he used to. Lately I've been using an old carrot of Travis'.........if you get off your fanny and do something you get a real supper. If not, fend for yourself. Seems to be having an effect.

I've found with my husband, not sure if it will work with yours, that if I turn the tables and act like him.......only much more dramatic about it.......it gets his attention. Then when he confronts me, and he always does, I said but dear that's what YOU do. Not so fun when someone is doing it to you huh? lol

I hope the counseling works. And I also think having him talk to a male counselor is a good idea.

 

[ML]

This is the most encouraging development, Shari. I'm so glad to hear about this direction in counseling. You are handling it magnificently.

 

[AnnieO]

Lisa... How do you do nothing dramatically???

 

[Shari]

Hahaha, Step! Too funny!

 

[pepperidge]

I don't know how you do nothing dramatically, but some of our difficult children seem to have the routine down pretty well. Problem is even if you do nothing, you are so busy doing something to keep the household if not husband running that he gets all the secondary benefits anyway.

Good luck!

 

[Hound dog]

Ahhhh..............Step, I'd have to show you, I don't think I could describe it. But let's just say I put it in his face. The things I chose to do nothing dramatically, all involved him directly. Such as eating, which happens to be his best motivator. lol Not only did I not cook, I did not shop so there were other things to eat when I did not cook. Since I can easily go 2-3 days without eating much of anything at all........while husband scarfs down at least 5 meals a day......yeah. It takes some thought and some calculation on how much if I do this will it have an effect. (I've also been known to stock the house with foods he hates but everyone else likes lol )

Food is husband's major motivator. I use it often to get my point across. He has a "job" around here as do I. He doesn't do his, I don't do mine. Passive / aggressive, sure. But I've learned to fight fire with fire.

 

[KTMom91]

Sending hugs and strength, Shari.

 

[TerryJ2]

Ahh, very good. A good start.
Stand strong. You don't have to be mean, just consistent. Good for you.
Many hugs.

 

[Shari]

husband works for food, also.

So, mean would be like having a jar labeled "dog treats" and another beside it labeled "husband treats", both to be handed out when they appropriately respond to a command?

 

[TerryJ2]

No, actually treats would be a great idea.
"Thank you so much for folding all that laundry and putting it away, honey. Would you like a shoulder massage and some tortilla chips?"
as opposed to, "You stupid S * B, next time you do that, I'm shoving these socks up your sorry 4ss."

 

[Shari]

Oh, Terry, you are giving him FAR TOO MUCH credit. I can not say "fold the laundry and put it away" (I can't even say "put it away").
I have to say "Put the dish rags where the dish rags go". "Put the dish towels where the dish towels go." "Put the bath towels where the bath towels go." etc....and if its STILL a problem, counselor told me to start labeling stuff.
So it will be "husband - put the dish rags where the dish rags go." and "Fido - Sit." And when they comply, I pat them on the head and they can each have a treat out of the cookie jar with the barking lid....how sweet.
Ugh.

 

[DaisyFace]

husband works for food, also.

So, mean would be like having a jar labeled "dog treats" and another beside it labeled "husband treats", both to be handed out when they appropriately respond to a command?

No, no...

"Scooby Snacks"

They worked for the dog and the guy.