Today's family session

[JKF]

So today was our third family session with difficult child#1. Again, we talked about nothing of substance. Just that difficult child has decided that he wants to come home. Uhhhh yeah...that's all fine and great but it's not happening. Two doctors and another therapist have recommended a transitional living program and eventually independent living. The counselor was like "oh well he's going to be 18 soon." Yes he is! And that's why they need to STOP with the idea of home reunification and focus on the goal of finding him a program to go to when he's done there! The more they drag their feet the worse the situation will be. When I was leaving she was like "oh talk to your husband and let me know what you're planning on doing". I have told these people numerous times what the plan is! She pointed out that difficult child is maintaining there and doing really well and hasn't shown any of the behaviors that he exhibits at home! Ok great but I know the drill! He did the same thing at the Residential Treatment Center (RTC). Maintained, they forced him home, and he spiraled to rock bottom within 7 weeks. It's not happening again! I refuse to let them push me to take him and have the same thing that happened last time (or worse) happen again! Unfortunately I've dealt with the system long enough now to know what they're trying to do which is guilt me into taking him home. However, the difference between now and last time is that I have much tougher skin and I've learned to let go of my guilt.

 

[InsaneCdn]

More than that, you've been around this block often enough to know it isn't even in HIS best interests... which makes it easier to let go of the guilt.

Now... how to get THEM to see it???!!!

 

[JKF]

More than that, you've been around this block often enough to know it isn't even in HIS best interests... which makes it easier to let go of the guilt.

Now... how to get THEM to see it???!!!

EXACTLY! It's funny because I was SO guilt ridden when we had to send him into another program. The guilt literally consumed my life for months. Only recently have I started to let it go and that's because I see that's he's ok!! He's been there for a few months and has accepted that he's there and he's doing well. And he seems......happy! However, that doesn't mean that it's all fine and good to send him home. He has so much anger towards me and his younger brother that he can't function for long periods of time here. And he refuses to acknowledge that anger. Until he does so, him living here will never work.

I have every incident documented. Every email back and forth from the old Residential Treatment Center (RTC), the CMO, and now this place. One thing is consistent. He doesn't do well at home! I will fight these people tooth and nail to get him into a program that will benefit him. They've tried to wear me down before and I stayed firm and I'll do it again if I have to!!!!

 

[slsh]

I'm so sorry - I know how this feels. I don't think staff at TLP really heard me until my difficult child hit 18, lost funding, and had to find someplace to live. *Then* they had no choice but to finally hear me say "no, not in my home." You should've seen them scrambling. Aside from being really worried about difficult child who was totally unprepared for life on his own (not totally fault of TLP, but I think they didn't push as hard as they should have pre-18 because I don't think they really believed me when I said he was not coming home), I was really mega-ticked off at TLP staff who literally waited until the last few days to find him someplace to live.

I'm not sure what the answer is, other than to keep on saying every time they talk about "reunification" that difficult child will be 18 soon and it is time to live on his own, period. Coming home is not an option. This needs to be said very clearly in front of difficult child - maybe he'll hear you better than my own did. I'm quite sure my difficult child didn't believe me either. It made for a very difficult transition to him living on his own, for all of us.

 

[susiestar]

Keep telling them that he isn't coming home. You might consider drafting a letter to the head of the facility (who probably does not see patients at all) telling him that you are concerned because your son does not do well at home and he is NOT going to live in your home but the staff seems to be ignoring this and working on reunification. I have often found that going to the top of the agency/group can get results. NO ONE wants their boss to hear they are not listening to a minor child's parent. It just isn't good for them professionally. So write the letter and ask how you can get this information across to the treatment team because the more you tell them that he needs to prepare for independent living because you won't have him live at home again, the more they talk about how great he is doing and about reunification.

Make sure difficult child knows that this is the plan. Don't fall for the "don't you love me" and "you owe me" koi.

Instead of lettng family therapy pass like todays, why not take the next session and bring up difficult child's anger toward you. Trigger him if needed. Get him to show them how he treats you when thngs are not going the way he wants them to. Chances are they have NO clue he can act like that because they don't listen to you and he isn't like that there. it won't be fun, but it might get them to open their eyes.

These are just ideas. It is okay if they are not things that will work for you.

 

[JJJ]

I'm so sorry - I know how this feels. I don't think staff at TLP really heard me until my difficult child hit 18, lost funding, and had to find someplace to live. *Then* they had no choice but to finally hear me say "no, not in my home." You should've seen them scrambling. Aside from being really worried about difficult child who was totally unprepared for life on his own (not totally fault of TLP, but I think they didn't push as hard as they should have pre-18 because I don't think they really believed me when I said he was not coming home), I was really mega-ticked off at TLP staff who literally waited until the last few days to find him someplace to live.

The only way to get Kanga's staff to finally hear me was to pull back completely. We have not visited in 7 months, we speak to her only 1-2 times per month. I just had to sign the consents for 2012 and I dated all of them to end on her birthday (she will be 18 this year!). They needed to stop encouraging her to ask for home visits and reunification because WE REFUSE TO LIVE WITH OUR ABUSER EVER AGAIN.

Once we forced everyone onto the same page, Kanga has made better progress as she has to focus on her TLP/IL goals.