Too good at fosterhome, they are talking about her being transferred to Residential.

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Jody, Jul 5, 2011.

  1. Jody

    Jody Active Member

    This weekend visit was really awful. difficult child's mouth was just nasty and hateful. I had told her in advance that we were going to church, she didn't want to go to church so the cursing and carrying on began. She got so upset she threw my Wii remote and broke it against the wall. It no longer works. 30.00 down the drain. I told her that I would be keeping her phone because of the disrespectful mouth and attitude. She then began to come after me and try to hurt me to get to her phone that was in my purse. She didn't succeed but became so angry she started to hit me with an electrical that goes to my back massager. She left two welts on my arm and that was it for me, I told her to go sit on the front porch, I then locked her out of the house. I reported it to her agency hotline number what had happened and they called me today and told me they were looking for a residential treatment facility for her. Can anyone tell me what residentail treatment facilites are like? I am really sad about this. I know I can't raise her like this but I really wanted her to be able to make it in a home and not a facility. Please tell me about your experience with residental. Thank you.
  2. april1974

    april1974 New Member

    Sorry you are going through this, I have no idea what resedential tx facilities are like but it's probably the best option for her. Canada doesn't have the same kind of resources that USA has you are very lucky if they can get her into a facility. (((((hugs)))))
  3. Jody

    Jody Active Member

    April, thank you for your response. I just talked to difficult child, she snuck a call in to me and told me how sorry she was and that she shouldn't have done what she did. She got in a big blow out with her fostermom and the fostermom is threatening to kick her out. I told difficult child that she might be going to residential placement she began pleading, no no mom, please no. Very sad. She makes such bad choices and her life is just getting worse and worse. I love her I know she knows this, it is real disturbing that she is really sabotaging her life the way she is. I have a heavy heart today. I don't know what's wrong with me, she hits me, she curses at me and yet I still feel badly about how things are. I just wish she could stop and think about what she's doing before the worst happens.
  4. april1974

    april1974 New Member

    There is NOTHING wrong with you, that is normal to feel that way...we love our kids unconditionally, that is what moms the moment we may not like them very much and have horrible feelings, but...deep down we want the best for our kids, we would step in front of a train for them, it is so normal to feel guilty and question "am I doing the right thing" and that is a really really tough choice.

    I don't want to get into too much conversation about my daughter since she is fine now and doing awesome and is a easy child BUT...we went through the terrible teens and it was brutal, looking back it's amazing me & husband didn't run away! Long story short, Canada sucks at tx for teen issues, there is no Boot cam, no resedential tx centers etc, they have to be so severe to be admitted into any of that so it wasn't even an option for us...when we were at our breaking point and couldn't handle it anymore they told us there is no foster care for a teenage girl, there are zero homes that will take her....we had no options except us, family, her dad, friends or the street. It was HELL! If you can get daughter into a center that can help her do it. My daughter turned out fine, she snapped out of it at 17 and graduated with honours and is in college doing FANTASTIC, I have a beautiful relationship with her now that I love & cherish, I am proud of her. Since it's her story I choose not to share it out of respect for her and the fact she is an adult and I won't judge her based on past mistakes, but I will share some things about that time in our life if I feel it will help another mom/dad.

    Try not to feel guilty, if you have a system that can help her, take it.
  5. Jody

    Jody Active Member

    That is wonderful about your daughter. I am glad she is doing well. I have another daughter that will be a sophomore in college this year. She lives away in Indiana during the school year. I have learned so much about myself and finally after years of this continual drama, I have a nice life. I am glad I wake up everyday. It was not always like that. I am happy, but I would be so much happier if my 13 year old was happy and doing well too. Maybe it will still happen. I hope so.
  6. exhausted

    exhausted Active Member

    I have over 2 years experience now with 2 different RTCs one was a private place and one is a specific therapy (DBT) state funded placement with only 16 beds for the whole state. Both came with lots of recommendations. Both have their good, bad and ugly. I have had to be vigilant at both places so that her medical care was taken care of. She is also a victom type, so I have had to advocate a great deal for her safety. The cost has been that I am seen as over protective. Small price to pay for treatment and they know they better handle her with great care and do what they are suppose to do. We tried therapeutic foster care and day treatment first as well-I knew she would run and we would have trouble. The bottom line with our difficult children is that it isn't the home environment that is the problem to begin with-I will say that with such a troubled child the home, any honme will end up troubled. Many of our kids require so much more than we can provide to stabilize them. Teen years especially hard with girls. We have the added burdon of worrying about pregnancy. Birth control compliance can even be tricky. Yours is approaching these yeaRS.

    All RTCs are different. Make sure this is one that helps kids with mental illnesses. I would not refuse the chance but I would ask a lot of questions. A state group home is not the answer. These are full of kids waiting for placements or who no foster home will take again(In our state). There are risks to an Residential Treatment Center (RTC)-kids can become institutionalized, learn new tricks etc. But what other options do you have? Is this a therapeutic home? What day treatment has she been getting?

    Is she properly diagnosed and medicated. I've read that some kids with ADHD diagnosis later end up with a bipolar diagnosis. There are some here who think that ADHD is on the spectrum (I totally diasagree for many reasons), but the symptoms often overlap with mental illnesses and neurologic conditions and it can be tricky. After all the brain is the control center for behavior and behavior is often how these problems make themselves known. She just seems to fly off the handle so quickly and is violent? I'm just wondering about all that.

    I can't remember from your other posts-have you read Lost at School? Collaborative problem solving may be a way for you to handle her on home visits.I recommend a look at it as she flew off the handle when you gave her the consequence for breaking the Wii. I've some luck with it at school and with my daughter. I don't believe it is the only way to go, but it has great merit as a tool to help teach them skills and also to involve them in problem solving their own situations.

    Hugs to you and know you are not alone.
  7. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    *hugs* hon. Mine is about the same age with a similar rage in her bad times.
  8. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    A good residential place will be able to help. It will be FAR more structured than any private home could be. It is a shame the foster mom is so frustrated, but I am sure you can understand how she feels. I am so sorry that she was violent with you again, I wonder how often she is violent with the foster family. in my opinion it is just not safe for her to live with a family right now, and that hopefully in an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) she can be observed closely enough for them to figure out what is going on and how to medicate her if needed and howt o help her learn to make better and safer choices.

    Sorry. I know my difficult child HATED the 4 mos he spent in a psychiatric hospital (here they are called long term phosps not Residential Treatment Center (RTC), but they are the same thing) but he DID learn a lot and make far better choices. in my opinion if we had not sent him there he would NOT have turned his life around in his mid-teen years. Even he can see now that he NEEDED to be there to realize how out of line he was.

    Hopefully it will be close enough that you can participate in regular therapy sessions in person. If not insist on doing them over the phone. It was a "requirement" that family come for weekly therapy at the psychiatric hospital, but we were one of the only 2 families on the ward that did it. The other families showed maybe every month or three for a single session. That alone was a big wakeup call to Wiz - that I would drive almost 2 hrs each way to do a 6 am staff meeting each and every week, again to do a family therapy session each week, and for visitation at least once a week, plus having his dad come on every single time any other relative flaked out on a promised visit. His dad went to a lot of these things except the 6am staff meetings (because work). Going to the facility this often let us have a decent idea what was going on and how to get them to do what we/he needed.
  9. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Can you add a little more background about you daughter?

    Your sig shows her as 11 and that she is on 2 really activating medications if she has mood instability, wellbutrin and adder all. These could be making her more agitated and irritable.

    When was her latest psyche evaluation or medication change?

    I would not put her in an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) before putting her in phosph for a medication change and total evaluation.
  10. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    Jody - there are several RTCs in IL, some good, some not so much. thank you was in 4 placements from age 9 to 18 - 2 excellent, 1 awful (subsequently shut down by the state), and 1 that was just the wrong placement from the start.

    The good RTCs had consistent staff who were well trained, excellent structure, good communication with us, and an obvious familiarity in dealing with- children who had mental illness and extremely challenging behaviors.

    It's just a starting point, but here is a list of questions to ask potential RTCs - Treatment Center (RTC)-need-input.200/

    Add your own questions as they apply to your situation. I think a discussion that needs to be ongoing with any Residential Treatment Center (RTC) is discharge planning, supports, and services available. In my experience, even with- the best of the RTCs, there was not meaningful supports for thank you and our family after discharge. We went back to therapist/psychiatrist and sped services, but in my humble opinion there needs to be more support once your child is back in the community - respite, crisis team, etc. Those services just didn't exist in our area, and while thank you did return home twice between ages 9 and 18, he didn't last more than 3 month either time before reverting to his old violent behaviors.

    I'd also highly recommend that you visit in person any potential placement (assuming you can have input on her placement).
  11. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    So sorry you all are going through this, Jody.

    I'm glad that exhaustedinUtah suggested that you check out Residential Treatment Center (RTC) very carefully, especially their work with-mental health.

    I also am curious, along with-Steely, about who did the diagnosis on your daughter and what other medications you have tried?