Too many opinions...too much guilt

[Hoping4answers]

My difficult child is still with gma... No idea when that'll change. No idea as to how I'm gonna transition her and everyone else when it's time. My younger daughter asks that she never come home...begs actually. My DS doesn't want her back and my youngest is still replying to the mere mention of her name with "...bad...slap" This is so taxing. We have therapy tomorrow and she starts school on Wednesday. Part of me says bring her home but then I would have to basically strap her to me and then where does that leave the other 3 and me with the baby on the way. My mom is willing to keep her for as long as needed but I'm having a baby in 2 months and it kills me not to have her home for that. I just don't know how. I know that's what the therapist is for but I just feel like I'm so pressed for time. In the mean time difficult child has very little restriction and structure. It's just her and my parents all the time and she's pretty much free as a bird. How will she learn to be part of this family if she's not dealing with it. As it stands she's very flip about the whole thing and makes no acknowledgment of any wrong doing. I'm afraid that she will be able to manipulate the therapist as well and it's easy to be by her. Plus it's easy to be impartial when your not the one who has to struggle with the feelings of the siblings she's hurt. They are genuinely afraid of her...I just feel so lost and helpless. I feel like a terrible mother for sending her away and then for the ease that seems to have settled over the house since she's been gone. When does the guilt end??

 

[meowbunny]

I think the guilt ends when you see some success -- either with your daughter or her siblings. It is hard to lose our children and when someone else is taking care of them, we feel we've lost them.

As awful as this sounds, I'd leave things the way they are. You have three kids who are happier and safer than they have been in a long time. Your parents and daughter seem to be happy with things as they are. She can come and visit on occasion, especially when the baby is born but until some real transition plans are in place, you'd be making a mistake in having her come home.

Hon, you didn't send your daughter to your parents because it was easier for you but because it was safer for your little ones. That's a hard fact to face -- that your child would harm his/her siblings -- but it is one you do have to face. I'm sorry but I do believe you are doing the best thing for all.

 

[BusynMember]

Do you have any idea what is wrong with her? Has she had any evaluation besides her therapist?
in my opinion you need to know what is wrong with her and gma has to have her in treatment for it or she likely will not be able to go home. If your other kids are that scared of her, her behavior must have been really violent...there is always a reason for that. Perhaps the right medication or a fresh evaluation can help her. Until then, I wouldn't bring her home if the other children are afraid of her. But I'd work hard to find somebody who can diagnose her and help her as well. Maybe then she can come home. She is only eleven and there is still a lot of time before she hits eighteen to help her, but you need to know the Devil you are dealing with. Is a SO or husband living with you to help? Does her father help?

 

[TerryJ2]

Don't worry about the guilt (easier said than done!) right now. Focus on what your difficult child's diagnosis is and what you can plan for the future. with-a baby on the way, you don't have to plan for now, just a yr for now, for ex. You have your rules and your structure, and you are absolutely right, the rules are diff at your parents' or perhaps there are no rules at all, and either way, it doesn't match what does on in your house.
What happens when you try to enforce the rules? Does your difficult child scream and hit? I don't recall exactly what your difficult child did at home (sorry, I know you're new, but maybe you posted that already).
What happens whey your parents enforce the rules? I mean, they must have small rules like wash your hands after using the bathroom, wear your seatbelt, etc.
I know what you mean about how peaceful it is with-o difficult child in the house. Sigh.

 

[susiestar]

I know how you feel. We fought through it for years, then finally had to choose safety over the luxury of having our Wiz live with us. It simply was going to end with someone dead.

Give them time. make sure the younger ones are getting some help with this. Make sure the older one is being treated for whatever the problem is. It took me 2 YEARS before I could have Wiz over for a NIGHT with-o having Jess back sleeping with us.

At this point, if the oldest is safe with your parents, and your parents are OK with it, then you have to focus on the safety of the little ones.

ESPECIALLY with a new baby coming so soon. New babies throw the entire household for a loop - bringing an unsafe child back into the home just before you go into that chaos (lovely and wonderful chaos, but still chaos) seems like asking for someone to get really seriously hurt.

 

[KTMom91]

Please don't feel guilty about having peace in your home now that your difficult child is living elsewhere. Miss KT moved out in May, and it has been so calm around here I can't believe it. It sounds like she was so out of control that your younger children were in danger, and you needed to protect them. It's as simple as that.

I agree that if no therapy and no plan is in place, she should not be coming home. You have enough on your plate with your younger ones and the new baby coming, and you know you can't really "strap her to" you and take care of everyone else. If your mom is willing to keep her, let her do that, until you see a change through therapy. Sending many hugs. And remember to take care of yourself too.