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Too much weirdness
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<blockquote data-quote="witzend" data-source="post: 190099" data-attributes="member: 99"><p>I'm playing devil's advocate here. It was only hyperbole in the sense that I feel that you do not live like thugs, but your son does, in your home, and it won't be long before your house is where the lady with the thug adult son lives, and then it becomes where the thugs hang out.</p><p></p><p>These were the types of things that when M did when he was in the 8 - 12 year old range we tried to figure out why and how to fix it. Twenty is a little old for that, don't you think? What were you doing when you were 20? </p><p></p><p>I get it that you didn't have the issues that he has when you were 8 or 12 or 20. But haven't you been giving him every opportunity and tool available for him to correct or at least tone down those behaviors? Stabbing up your mom's stuff and intimidating her and threatening her with violence is something that you live with and work to correct when they're 12 because you have no choice. Stabbing up your mom's stuff and threatening her or her young daughter is something you shouldn't live with, because you have a choice.</p><p></p><p>Again, playing devil's advocate, how realistic is it that your son who sleeps all day and is huffing, who can't hold a job for a month at a fruit stand is going to pay you back court fines and attorney's fees at a regular day job <em>and</em> save enough money to get his own apartment before he gets fired for saying something threatening or scary to someone.</p><p></p><p>I <em>totally</em> get it that paying you back would be the right thing to do, but honestly, has your son given you any indication that he wants to do the right thing? It feels like you are setting him and yourself up for failure. Sometimes it's best just to cut your losses and let them figure it out for themselves.</p><p></p><p>So, where do you draw the line? Is the behavior acceptable so long as he is repaying his debts and saving for his apartment, or is it just not acceptable. You don't <em>have to</em> call the police when he takes a swing at your face in private and misses. You just have to kick him out and change the locks. And your husband should back you up in that. My husband would be out looking for an apartment too, if he let that go on in our house.</p><p></p><p>I know that deep down you know what I have said is true. You were the one who said:</p><p><strong></strong></p><p><strong>"We can't make choices for our addicted kids; only they can. We can't control them. We can't try to mold them or our families to meet our expectations. They are individuals who are going to live their lives. <em>We are also individuals who need to live our own lives."</em></strong></p><p><strong><em></em></strong></p><p><strong><em></em>"If he lives at your house, accepting shelter, food, and other things, he needs to respect your rules."</strong></p><p></p><p><em>You</em> are an individual, too. And you have the right to live in your own home without fear. Just because your daughter says she's not afraid, that may only meant that she has conditioned herself to the fear. If she's not afraid, that's not good.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="witzend, post: 190099, member: 99"] I'm playing devil's advocate here. It was only hyperbole in the sense that I feel that you do not live like thugs, but your son does, in your home, and it won't be long before your house is where the lady with the thug adult son lives, and then it becomes where the thugs hang out. These were the types of things that when M did when he was in the 8 - 12 year old range we tried to figure out why and how to fix it. Twenty is a little old for that, don't you think? What were you doing when you were 20? I get it that you didn't have the issues that he has when you were 8 or 12 or 20. But haven't you been giving him every opportunity and tool available for him to correct or at least tone down those behaviors? Stabbing up your mom's stuff and intimidating her and threatening her with violence is something that you live with and work to correct when they're 12 because you have no choice. Stabbing up your mom's stuff and threatening her or her young daughter is something you shouldn't live with, because you have a choice. Again, playing devil's advocate, how realistic is it that your son who sleeps all day and is huffing, who can't hold a job for a month at a fruit stand is going to pay you back court fines and attorney's fees at a regular day job [I]and[/I] save enough money to get his own apartment before he gets fired for saying something threatening or scary to someone. I [I]totally[/I] get it that paying you back would be the right thing to do, but honestly, has your son given you any indication that he wants to do the right thing? It feels like you are setting him and yourself up for failure. Sometimes it's best just to cut your losses and let them figure it out for themselves. So, where do you draw the line? Is the behavior acceptable so long as he is repaying his debts and saving for his apartment, or is it just not acceptable. You don't [I]have to[/I] call the police when he takes a swing at your face in private and misses. You just have to kick him out and change the locks. And your husband should back you up in that. My husband would be out looking for an apartment too, if he let that go on in our house. I know that deep down you know what I have said is true. You were the one who said: [B] "We can't make choices for our addicted kids; only they can. We can't control them. We can't try to mold them or our families to meet our expectations. They are individuals who are going to live their lives. [I]We are also individuals who need to live our own lives." [/I][b][/B]"If he lives at your house, accepting shelter, food, and other things, he needs to respect your rules."[/b] [i]You[/i] are an individual, too. And you have the right to live in your own home without fear. Just because your daughter says she's not afraid, that may only meant that she has conditioned herself to the fear. If she's not afraid, that's not good. [/QUOTE]
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