Took away his phone. He took off.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by TerryJ2, Apr 8, 2015.

  1. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    husband finally took the phone this a.m. around 6:30. Luckily, difficult child got his medications first.
    We probably won't see him for a day or two.
    He tried to argue that the credit card #s he stole were between "me and Mom."
    When he realized he couldn't negotiate with-husband--not even one last text msg to his girlfriend--he blew up with-the F-bombs. husband got it in the face like I usually do.
    I think that, because we had a few trial runs with-difficult child "running away," I'm not quite as worried this time.
    He tends to come back when he needs something. And he always needs something.
  2. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I bet by the end of the day, he has a new/used one from a friend ...
  3. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    What a great way to start the day. Sorry you are having to deal with more stuff.
    It's just so crazy that he doesn't see that it's not really his phone, he's not the one paying for it. You and husband had every right to take it.
    When he finally decides to come home I don't know that I would give him the phone back. If he wants one let him get and pay for his own.
    I know, I know, get my head out of the clouds.:wink:
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  4. WearyMom18

    WearyMom18 Member

    Sorry TerryJ2 - I know this routine all too well. Their phones are their lifeline (they think) and freak out when they lose them. I vote for making him purchase and pay for his own phone...I wish I had done that with mine. Take care!
  5. Bunny

    Bunny Active Member

    Nothing like starting the day with a meltdown. I'm sorry.
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    He's pouting and trying to scare you. Stand firm. He's a big boy. If he doesn't come back tonight, he knows where to go.

    If he comes home with a new phone, again, I would assume somebody gave him a stolen phone. People don't just give up nice phones., like they don't hand over laptops. or Gameboys. I wouldn't let him bring a "friend gave me's" phone into the house. That probably isn['t the story and it's not worth it to try to track down the truth. You will rarely find out.
  7. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    Oh Terry the drama of a teen child is almost laughable if it weren't for the fact they are now old enough to pay adult prices for the errors.
  8. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    He didn't come home. Didn't call or text.
    He will ... his clothes are here. And a few cheap electronics left behind.
    And the last time he left, he packed deodorant and a toothbrush. He left those behind, too, in his rush.
  9. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    This is so important to the child's picture of himself as he goes into the world. However he is getting there, that is what he is doing. If we believe they are making choices and can do just fine without us, so will they.

    What we really believe ~ that they are throwing their futures away with both hands ~ doesn't matter.

    They are our children, and we are probably always going to believe we could do it better, or insist they follow a certain path. (Instead of the horrific nightmare ones leading directly to life in the toilet they seem duty bound to pursue with a single minded integrity visible in no other aspect of their lives.)


    Possible for you and husband to plan a weekend getaway so you are not home, all doors are locked, and you can think about something else ~ say, yourselves and one another ~ for Friday night and Saturday?

    I am serious.

    Clearing the air, getting away, remembering why you and husband are together and who you are in the sunshine will save your marriage, your lives, and your self concepts.

    There is nothing easy about parenting a difficult child child. Triangulation is a huge thing that happens with them, and I think that is what is coming next for you. Your husband is engaged. Husbands tend not to waffle and moms tend to defend their sons and daughters, whatever they have done and whatever mom said she was going to do (and meant it when she said it, too). Many parents here have flashes (pretty intense ones, too) of PTSD. If your child is escalating the battle, you and your husband need time alone together away from the fray.

    You need to get on the same page. Many parents here have left or lost their marriages during these flaring, adrenaline-fueled, essentially meaningless explosions.

    Repeated ad nauseum.

    How awful to wake up to that kind of energy in the house.


    This is what happened with my D H. Once he had been directly engaged, I mean. He is so much gentler with difficult child daughter. Between he and difficult child son ~ whew. D H even said at one point that two males cannot live in the same house without one of them being the dominant male.

    And he meant it.

    And he pulled me out of it, and he saved me every time? And I hated him for it, and I mourned for my children.

    And I convinced him to help, again.

    And before we knew it, that was the accepted pattern in our family and somehow, D H was bad cop and I was good, sappy cop.



    Drive as far as you can Friday night.

    Stop there, stay there, don't leave for home until Sunday morning.

    Eat pancakes together.

    Works every time.

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  10. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I'm standing firm on the phone.
    difficult child called me this a.m. to ask for his medications. He is miserable.
    I let difficult child come home to shower and do a cpl chores, and pick up an application for a job that he left here.
    Don't know where he plans to sleep tonight, since he said that if he doesn't get the phone back, he will leave again. I said okay. He didn't ask what the okay was for--the phone or leaving. ;).
  11. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Good job Terry in standing your ground.
  12. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Stay strong, Terry!
  13. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Is he blowing off school?
  14. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    He can get a free phone from the government. There are no bells and whistles on it, but it's available.

    Somehow he managed to get a phone to call you last night. He knows how to survive and who to contact for assistance.

    If you lose this game of blackmail, you will lose all of his respect forever.
  15. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    Cedar, this is exactly what happened in our house when our Difficult Child was still at home. You described it to a T.

    Terry, I've been following along. You are doing a great job. I hope you and your husband continue to stick together. Learn from our mistakes!
  16. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Thank you!

    He is on spring break.

    He is staying at his ex-girlfriend's house and using her phone.

    I bought Gatorade for ex girlfriend today, and cereal. She passed out yesterday and hit her head. Spent the morning at the hospital. She was drinking a little bit of water today. Her mom was not supervising her in regard to liquids. (And I expected care and supervision because ... why?). I told difficult child to supervise her, and to explain the diff between plain water and electrolytes. He loves "taking care of her" that way. Even if he's more romantically involved with-H. (eye roll)
    And ex girlfriend, who desperately needs attention, is letting difficult child walk all over her. Does she not realize he is texting his new girlfriend with her phone?????

    So he plans to sneak home tonight and wants me to leave a door unlocked. husband noticed the unlocked doors (difficult child did it earlier today) and locked them all. He said that difficult child will have to ring the doorbell. I doubt he will do that. But I bet the dogs will bark.

    Speaking of dogs, the carpet still smells. Not as bad, but bad enough that I am calling Stanley Steemer to come back Mon for a touch-up.

    difficult child said he will do anything to get his phone back. He promises. I told him that actions speak louder than words. Was he going to come home during the day and do yard work, since he didn't have a key, and then leave again?
    He said no.
    So what's the plan?
    "I don't have a plan."

    I knew that.:dead:
  17. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGHHHH! He was on his way home ... with-ex-girlfriend's phone ... it is drizzling and chilly outside. It is 11:45. He chose to walk home very late, but husband has always insisted that they talk about the swearing, the attitude, the stealing, the taking off and not letting us know where he is, taking the car keys and cars with-o permission, etc.

    So husband told him that it's too late and night, and no, he cannot come into the house.

    I texted difficult child and said he could sleep on the porch. I would put blankets out.
    He texted back that he is not an animal and that we are disowning him.
    Now he's writing,
    "And I honestly believe you and dad don't give a sh*t about me any more no one does and I'm done cause now I don't even give a :censored2: about me I told you I'm done I can't take this crap any more"
    "Bye Mom"

    WTH does that mean?
    I'm hoping it means that he walks back to ex-girlfriend's house and talks them into one more night there ... and not that he's going to jump in front of a car ...
  18. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I was good with playing freeze-out in the daytime when I knew he had places to go, and the sun was out, but now it's dark and everyone's doors are locked and he is extremely sleep-deprived. At least he got medications this a.m. I don't know if he took them tonight. I dropped off medications around 8:30 but did not watch him take them. Too bad he didn't come home right then and there.
    husband wanted to make him hurt so that he would need us, so that he would know he can't do it on his own. I think that this is going to backfire.
  19. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    How the h*ll does husband just roll over and go to sleep while I'm fretting?
  20. Tentimesaround

    Tentimesaround New Member

    My heart aches for you Terry. It just seems so trivial to say "let it go" when your heart is filled with sadness. I truly hope that you can find some peace in your heart. You have done all you can for your son and he will find his way....right, wrong or otherwise. If nothing else these difficult kids are very resourceful and always find something to sustain them. Everytime I think my daughter is at the end of the road, she pulls a new trick out of her hat. Often makes me wonder if they are a lot smarter than us as they just sit back and let the rest of the world deal with their destruction.
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