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Tools for Detaching? Difficult Child looks for love in all the wrong places.
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<blockquote data-quote="Tanya M" data-source="post: 658761" data-attributes="member: 18516"><p>Welcome SuperGranny. I'm glad you found us but sorry you had to.</p><p></p><p>You have made the first important step into detachment and that is acknowledging that you need to. Having grandchildren makes it hard but not impossible.</p><p></p><p>Do you have a close relationship with your grands? Do they see their bio-fathers and if so are they decent men? Other than her desire to "look for love in all the wrong places" is your daughter a good mother?</p><p></p><p>When we detach from our Difficult Child it helps to identify what exactly are we wanting to detach from. For me, when I detached from my son it was because he was verbally abusive, begged / demanded money, would blame me for how screwed up his life is. Part of detaching is being prepared for when our Difficult Child try to guilt us into doing something for them. Unfortunately when there are grands involved they will sometimes use them against us. Our Difficult Child know where the soft spots in our hearts are and they will poke at them to make us feel pain. They are very good at trying to make us feel guilty.</p><p></p><p>In order to detach we have to set boundaries. You have to decide what you are willing to put up with and what you are not.</p><p></p><p>You need to be prepared for how your daughter may react when you start to detach.</p><p></p><p>You may start with telling her that you will only communicate with her via text. (this allows you time to process how you will respond) She may come back with, "fine, don't expect to see your grandchildren"</p><p></p><p>You may tell her that you will not give her anymore money. She may come back with "fine, let your grandchildren starve to death"</p><p></p><p>You will need to draw on your inner strength that is deep down inside of you, it's there, we all have it.</p><p></p><p>One thing that is very helpful is to have pre-prepared responses at the ready. The fewer the words the better. If your Difficult Child is like so many she will try and engage you into an argument. My Difficult Child is really good at this and will talk in so many circles it will make your head spin. You can be left feeling confused and depleted. One of may standard responses to him when he starts in on something is "I'm sorry you feel that way" or when he would ask for money, "NO". Don't offer any explanations as that just gives them an opportunity to argue. If they keep asking the same thing over and over you just keep repeating the same response over and over. Of course I think a good limit is 2 times, they ask 2 times, you give the same answer, when they ask the third time you say, gotta run - love you - bye, then hang up. Put your phone on silence. Again, this is another good reason to limit contact to texting, it's easier when we don't have to hear the desperation in their voice.</p><p></p><p>SomewhereOutThere gave you good advice about the serenity prayer and also reading the article on detachment.</p><p></p><p>You will always find support here.</p><p></p><p>((HUGS)) to you.................................</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Tanya M, post: 658761, member: 18516"] Welcome SuperGranny. I'm glad you found us but sorry you had to. You have made the first important step into detachment and that is acknowledging that you need to. Having grandchildren makes it hard but not impossible. Do you have a close relationship with your grands? Do they see their bio-fathers and if so are they decent men? Other than her desire to "look for love in all the wrong places" is your daughter a good mother? When we detach from our Difficult Child it helps to identify what exactly are we wanting to detach from. For me, when I detached from my son it was because he was verbally abusive, begged / demanded money, would blame me for how screwed up his life is. Part of detaching is being prepared for when our Difficult Child try to guilt us into doing something for them. Unfortunately when there are grands involved they will sometimes use them against us. Our Difficult Child know where the soft spots in our hearts are and they will poke at them to make us feel pain. They are very good at trying to make us feel guilty. In order to detach we have to set boundaries. You have to decide what you are willing to put up with and what you are not. You need to be prepared for how your daughter may react when you start to detach. You may start with telling her that you will only communicate with her via text. (this allows you time to process how you will respond) She may come back with, "fine, don't expect to see your grandchildren" You may tell her that you will not give her anymore money. She may come back with "fine, let your grandchildren starve to death" You will need to draw on your inner strength that is deep down inside of you, it's there, we all have it. One thing that is very helpful is to have pre-prepared responses at the ready. The fewer the words the better. If your Difficult Child is like so many she will try and engage you into an argument. My Difficult Child is really good at this and will talk in so many circles it will make your head spin. You can be left feeling confused and depleted. One of may standard responses to him when he starts in on something is "I'm sorry you feel that way" or when he would ask for money, "NO". Don't offer any explanations as that just gives them an opportunity to argue. If they keep asking the same thing over and over you just keep repeating the same response over and over. Of course I think a good limit is 2 times, they ask 2 times, you give the same answer, when they ask the third time you say, gotta run - love you - bye, then hang up. Put your phone on silence. Again, this is another good reason to limit contact to texting, it's easier when we don't have to hear the desperation in their voice. SomewhereOutThere gave you good advice about the serenity prayer and also reading the article on detachment. You will always find support here. ((HUGS)) to you................................. [/QUOTE]
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Tools for Detaching? Difficult Child looks for love in all the wrong places.
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