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Parent Emeritus
Tools for Detaching? Difficult Child looks for love in all the wrong places.
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<blockquote data-quote="SuperG" data-source="post: 658826" data-attributes="member: 19130"><p>Thanks ya'll. I'm a perpetual worrier, and I think that's a big part of my problem. </p><p></p><p>I was a single mom (of an only child) for over 10 years, although I inherited two step kids when I re-married 10 years ago. </p><p></p><p>My daughter is nearing 30 now, and I am saddened by her choices almost every day. No substance abuse involved, but I know a recent man in her life inflicted some kind of physical abuse on her (which she will not discuss, but she says he's no longer in the picture). She hops from one messed up relationship to another. She has three great kids (by three men) and only one has a relationship with his real father (thank goodness). The other two were adopted by her soon to be ex-husband (good guy but he has money issues). She's already IN LOVE with the next dude - and I don't know him well enough to know if he's a decent person or not. </p><p></p><p>Difficult Child works for me, which just complicates the disengaging process even more. She's a good worker, and very skilled at her trade, but the employer/employee relationship keeps me on edge - basically because we disagree on so many things about life, love, relationships, parenting....</p><p></p><p>I feel like she pushes her kids to the back burner for the current man in her life. She's searching for something... and I wish I knew how to help. I know we can't make our kids be good parents, but I just wish she'd try to place the kids at a higher priority than some dang man who often turns out to be a liar, looser, lazy..... we'll, you get the picture.</p><p></p><p>I'm a hard worker, high achiever, perfectionist, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) kind of mom, and I'm sure I was a total helicopter mom raising her. I am trying to figure out where I went wrong, and work on personality issues of my own that could be interfering with the relationship with my daughter. She doesn't withhold my grandkids (she lets me have them anytime I want them, and she'd be fine if they stayed with me all the time). I don't want to raise them, but I do spend a lot of time with them. I do think she loves them, but she loves men (and herself) more. </p><p></p><p>The last 10 years (since she had her first child) it has been one thing after another. I feel I have enabled some of her stupid decisions (financial especially) because of the grands. Her education was a very long, expensive process, but she did finally graduate college last year. But a college degree in the medical field does not mean one has common sense I guess. There are DAILY "what on earth are you thinking??" moments right now. I don't want her narcissictic attitudes and expressions to affect her professional reputation, which would affect her income too. </p><p></p><p>I could ramble more, but I'm mentally drained. My two step-kids have growing pains of their own as well, but only one of them keeps me awake at night. It just seems like that generation as a whole have a hard time finding happiness, and their place in the world. I hate it for the generation of babies they are selfishly making.</p><p></p><p>I'm thankful to find this forum.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="SuperG, post: 658826, member: 19130"] Thanks ya'll. I'm a perpetual worrier, and I think that's a big part of my problem. I was a single mom (of an only child) for over 10 years, although I inherited two step kids when I re-married 10 years ago. My daughter is nearing 30 now, and I am saddened by her choices almost every day. No substance abuse involved, but I know a recent man in her life inflicted some kind of physical abuse on her (which she will not discuss, but she says he's no longer in the picture). She hops from one messed up relationship to another. She has three great kids (by three men) and only one has a relationship with his real father (thank goodness). The other two were adopted by her soon to be ex-husband (good guy but he has money issues). She's already IN LOVE with the next dude - and I don't know him well enough to know if he's a decent person or not. Difficult Child works for me, which just complicates the disengaging process even more. She's a good worker, and very skilled at her trade, but the employer/employee relationship keeps me on edge - basically because we disagree on so many things about life, love, relationships, parenting.... I feel like she pushes her kids to the back burner for the current man in her life. She's searching for something... and I wish I knew how to help. I know we can't make our kids be good parents, but I just wish she'd try to place the kids at a higher priority than some dang man who often turns out to be a liar, looser, lazy..... we'll, you get the picture. I'm a hard worker, high achiever, perfectionist, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) kind of mom, and I'm sure I was a total helicopter mom raising her. I am trying to figure out where I went wrong, and work on personality issues of my own that could be interfering with the relationship with my daughter. She doesn't withhold my grandkids (she lets me have them anytime I want them, and she'd be fine if they stayed with me all the time). I don't want to raise them, but I do spend a lot of time with them. I do think she loves them, but she loves men (and herself) more. The last 10 years (since she had her first child) it has been one thing after another. I feel I have enabled some of her stupid decisions (financial especially) because of the grands. Her education was a very long, expensive process, but she did finally graduate college last year. But a college degree in the medical field does not mean one has common sense I guess. There are DAILY "what on earth are you thinking??" moments right now. I don't want her narcissictic attitudes and expressions to affect her professional reputation, which would affect her income too. I could ramble more, but I'm mentally drained. My two step-kids have growing pains of their own as well, but only one of them keeps me awake at night. It just seems like that generation as a whole have a hard time finding happiness, and their place in the world. I hate it for the generation of babies they are selfishly making. I'm thankful to find this forum. [/QUOTE]
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