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Tools for Detaching? Difficult Child looks for love in all the wrong places.
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<blockquote data-quote="Tanya M" data-source="post: 658849" data-attributes="member: 18516"><p>The fact that you are her employer does complicate things. For family to work together you must have clear strong boundaries in place. I appreciate that she is a good worker but I do have ask why does she work for you? Being in the medical field and with a college degree I'm sure she would be able to find a job. The fact that she is working for you does sound a bit like you are enabling her. Have you ever suggested to her that she find another job? If that is not option then you really have to separate the daughter from the employee. Do you have other employees and if so I'm sure you are not overly involved in their personal lives.</p><p>Your daughter is 30, she is not a child even though she may make poor decisions in your eyes, they are her decisions.</p><p>My one and only son has made poor choice after poor choice. I don't like it buy I had to let him go. I, you and every other parent here do not have control over what our adult children do with their lives. The more we try to swoop in and save them the more we participate in stunting their growth.</p><p></p><p></p><p>You may want to get into some personal therapy. To do some deep soul searching a trained therapist can help you work through your issues and also help learn how to set healthy boundaries.</p><p></p><p></p><p>I'm glad that you get to see your grands whenever you like. That is such a special gift. (my 3 grands live 2000 miles away)</p><p>I'm sure she has a deep love for her children, however when you say that she loves herself more does not make sense to me. I think it's just the opposite. If she truly loved herself then she would be a "whole" person. The fact that she is always "looking for love" from men is a clear indication that she is trying to fill a void in her life.</p><p></p><p></p><p>Well, I too have enabled my son financially too many times. I did finally get to the point where enough was enough. We do not help our adult children by giving them money. Money is not the their problem even though they can try to make us believe that it is. ("if I only had enough money then I wouldn't have to........., or I would be happy, or whatever other excuse that have")</p><p>If you haven't already, stop giving money, don't pay any of her bills, etc..... If you want to do something for the grands then take them shopping, do not give her money.</p><p></p><p></p><p>This is very concerning. You are your daughter's employer and landlord. You are extremely enmeshed in her life. It is hard enough to detach from our adult children but these two facts will make it that much more difficult for you. Again, I really think a therapist can help you untangle yourself.</p><p></p><p></p><p>You cannot control this. I may be way off base but it is my guess that you cover for her. You "tolerate" this characteristics because she is your daughter.</p><p></p><p>It is time for your daughter to stand on her own. What if you and your husband were not here, your daughter would have to figure life out on her own.</p><p></p><p>Our adult children, their life, their choices, their mistakes, their life lessons learned or not.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Tanya M, post: 658849, member: 18516"] The fact that you are her employer does complicate things. For family to work together you must have clear strong boundaries in place. I appreciate that she is a good worker but I do have ask why does she work for you? Being in the medical field and with a college degree I'm sure she would be able to find a job. The fact that she is working for you does sound a bit like you are enabling her. Have you ever suggested to her that she find another job? If that is not option then you really have to separate the daughter from the employee. Do you have other employees and if so I'm sure you are not overly involved in their personal lives. Your daughter is 30, she is not a child even though she may make poor decisions in your eyes, they are her decisions. My one and only son has made poor choice after poor choice. I don't like it buy I had to let him go. I, you and every other parent here do not have control over what our adult children do with their lives. The more we try to swoop in and save them the more we participate in stunting their growth. You may want to get into some personal therapy. To do some deep soul searching a trained therapist can help you work through your issues and also help learn how to set healthy boundaries. I'm glad that you get to see your grands whenever you like. That is such a special gift. (my 3 grands live 2000 miles away) I'm sure she has a deep love for her children, however when you say that she loves herself more does not make sense to me. I think it's just the opposite. If she truly loved herself then she would be a "whole" person. The fact that she is always "looking for love" from men is a clear indication that she is trying to fill a void in her life. Well, I too have enabled my son financially too many times. I did finally get to the point where enough was enough. We do not help our adult children by giving them money. Money is not the their problem even though they can try to make us believe that it is. ("if I only had enough money then I wouldn't have to........., or I would be happy, or whatever other excuse that have") If you haven't already, stop giving money, don't pay any of her bills, etc..... If you want to do something for the grands then take them shopping, do not give her money. This is very concerning. You are your daughter's employer and landlord. You are extremely enmeshed in her life. It is hard enough to detach from our adult children but these two facts will make it that much more difficult for you. Again, I really think a therapist can help you untangle yourself. You cannot control this. I may be way off base but it is my guess that you cover for her. You "tolerate" this characteristics because she is your daughter. It is time for your daughter to stand on her own. What if you and your husband were not here, your daughter would have to figure life out on her own. Our adult children, their life, their choices, their mistakes, their life lessons learned or not. [/QUOTE]
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Tools for Detaching? Difficult Child looks for love in all the wrong places.
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