Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by fedup, Feb 12, 2007.

  1. fedup

    fedup New Member

    I had a reasonaable week away from difficult child and hubby. I think it just sped up the things I wanted to avoid.

    They traded hubby's wrecked '69 Charger for a less wrecked '73 Duster. Hubby's '77 Plymouth broke down. Those 3 cars, plus a slightly newer Celica and a very new (Cadillac?) rental car were all parked at my house when I arrived home! :whew: The Celica left. The next day, the charger was towed away! Yea!!!!!! Hubby worked on his car, but something is draining the power. The Duster has no tag, no insurance and a broken windshield.

    difficult child just called me, asking if I could come up with about $200 for the downpayment on his insurance, so he could get the car on the road. I don't want to enable him, but I would like to get him more independent in this way. This is what hubby and difficult child were keeping secrets about last week. I was under the impression that hubby was giving difficult child the money out of his "bonus". I'm not totally clear on what is going on.

    I am not in favor of letting him get the car on the road with the broken windshield, as the cracks are all on the driver's side. My gut says just when I've paid for him to insure, that is when he will get 'a heady sense of freedom' and then get caught and ticketed for the windshield. Don't want that on my consicience.

    Also, in the past, difficult child has conveniently 'forgotten' about moeny owed to me or us. You know, that little bit here and there that a guy will forget about- food, the fact that we are letting him stay in our house, and all the laundry and showers.

    My gut is screaming NO , but my heart is whispering 'yes'.

    Won't be able to bring it up with hubby until later tonight, but it would probably be out of my 'hoarded' money anyway.
  2. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    You didn't ask for opinions but I thought I'd toss mine in anyway. :biggrin:

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">I am not in favor of letting him get the car on the road with the broken windshield, as the cracks are all on the driver's side. </div></div>

    I'm not either, Fedup.

    It's not safe.

    And it's illegal. That's why they give tickets.

    And I wouldn't want to encourage my child to do something that is unsafe or illegal, let alone both. And in my humble opinion, giving him money that isn't being used for repairs to make the car safe and legal is sending the wrong message.

    And then there's also the fact that he doesn't repay you.

    How was your trip? Did you do anything fun?


  3. ScentofCedar

    ScentofCedar New Member

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: fedup</div><div class="ubbcode-body">

    My gut is screaming NO , but my heart is whispering 'yes'.


    This is such a hard place to be.

    Hugs, fedup.

  4. fedup

    fedup New Member

    The trip was all I expected it to be. Work, boring work. But, not enough to keep me busy 2.5 days. I did a lot of cleanup (again), and some minor repairs (nobody there is mechanically inclined). They have a manual carpet sweeper that needed emptied, and no one tried to figure out how. They had a power vac that had been taken apaprt, and no one 'had time' to put it together. The office was a mess. I cleared up some questionable stuff, and did major reorganizing. I returned materials that aren't needed, and got all the mess in some order. I wonder how long it will be until I have to do the same thing for a fourth time!

    Thanks for knocking my noggin about the safety issue. He's talking about his paycheck the 26th being used for payback. But, I think there are more places to use it and wiser uses. We will have to talk about it in depth tomorrow, as he works until about 11 tonight, and is off tomorrow. I have to work, but will make time for the discussion. But, I will also be up front about it with hubby- I'll ask if he plans on putting anything into the repairs and upkeep.
  5. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Good plan! :laugh:

    It sounds like you were a big help at the office, Fedup. I hope they appreciated your efforts and that you got to enjoy the peace and quiet (and dining out!:smile:) that being out of town for work entails.

  6. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    In my state you can't put a car on the road without having it inspected. A broken or cracked windshield is an automatic fail.
    It sure helps avoid decisions such as yours. I'm with Suz, I think you are sending a wrong message if you help him get it on the road. -RM
  7. fedup

    fedup New Member

    I knew it. Hubby wants to give him the money (and give him a chance to pay it back). I'm in hot water because I don't agree. It will happen, the windshield won't get fixed very soon, and they'll bothe be grouchy with the "mean old lady".
  8. PonyGirl

    PonyGirl Warrior Parent

    Well I am sorry to hear husband's feelings on this. I too would never again hand my child money to drive a car. Last time I did that? difficult child rolled it, drunk. Hospital 10 days. Punctured Lung, broken bones in his back. :nonono:

    That was the beginning of the end, for me, on the long hard road of Enabling. I took a sharp turn onto Detachment Sreet, and have been there ever since.

    Yes, we'd like them to be independant. Well, I'm guessing he finds rides for other things, like being with his buddies? He can find his own rides for work/school stuff, too.

    Wash your hands of it, Agree to Disagree, whatever you need to do. It's a tough spot to be, I know.

    (((Hugs))) to you!!

  9. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Any way you could put that the windshield has to be repaired before any money is "loaned" for insurance, and then explain it's a bit silly to insur a car that's just going to risk getting you a ticket?

    I wouldn't want to do it with the windshield like that either.


    TYLERFAN New Member

    Talk to your husband first.
    As far as the windshield, etc., I would tell difficult child that no insurance help until the vehicle is compliant with legal standards. Correct me if I am wrong, but most states require inspections, I don't think a broken windshield would pass.

  11. gottaloveem

    gottaloveem Active Member

    I agree with Daisylover, have him use his check to get the windshield fixed. Then you can decide if you want to lend him money to get the car insured.
  12. fedup

    fedup New Member

    I'm not giving him any money. I think difficult child has the idea that insurance will pay for the windshield. Our state does not have inspections.

    difficult child is the youngest, and we haven't given money or any special helps to the others. Why should we change our course?

    By the way, hubby supposedly stayed up until difficult child got off work (after midnight) to talk to him. I expect I will get a call when difficult child gets up- today is his day off work, and he doesn't have school.

    difficult child doesn't run around much with others. If he does, whoever he will be with picks him up, I guess. One of the other students is giving him a ride to school. difficult child says the young man is grumping about want him to give money for the ride. Go figure!
  13. KFld

    KFld New Member

    Sounds to me like the most important thing is for you and husband to somehow get on the same page with the decisions you guys are making. One going against the other is not a good thing. You need to somehow come up with a way that no decisions are made until the two of you talk and can come up with some kind of agreement when difficult child needs something. I know for a fact what it can do to a marriage when one is doing what the other one doesn't think is right. It almost ruined mine. I was the one doing things behind husband's back to help difficult child and it wasn't a good thing.
  14. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    If you disagree then dont!
    let your husband do what he wants with or about difficult child. tell them they are on their own about it all. you stick to your own beliefs but be loving to husband about his own choices. tell him you are not willing to make waves between you and he and your marriage. be sweet and smile as you tell him you are stepping out of all difficult child stuff.
  15. Sue C

    Sue C Active Member

    One thing about the windshield...I wouldn't just hand over the money for the repair. I would have husband actually take the car to the shop where they put in new windshields and have it done himself and pay for it there.

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">My gut is screaming NO , but my heart is whispering 'yes'.</div></div>

    Your struggle really touched my heart.