Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by MommaK, Aug 12, 2016.

  1. MommaK

    MommaK Member

    We had family session last night with my daughters therapist. It went well, but my mother in law feels we should move my daughter in with her and my father in law to remove her from the influences she has here. She would be in a small private school there where we and my in laws know everyone. My mother in law believes this would help keep her out of some trouble. While the things my daughter is doing have not yet gotten her in serious issues legally things are headed that way. I'm very torn on how I feel about this and not sure what would be the right thing to do for my daughter. I do appreciate their help because they are a huge help to us with her. I just don't know how to feel about sending her to live away from us.
  2. culturanta

    culturanta Member

    She is old enough to have a say in the decision - what does your daughter want to do?
  3. MommaK

    MommaK Member

    Haven't discussed it with her at this time. It was just brought up to us again last night. Until now we have not entertained the idea when mentioned. She is our child and our responsibility to raise thru good and bad.
  4. MommaK

    MommaK Member

    She will not want to leave the friends here that are the bad influence. We do our best to keep her away from them, but she sees them at school and at 14 if she wants to see them she will find a way no matter what we do to prevent it.
  5. Praecepta

    Praecepta Member

    What does the therapist have to say about this idea?
  6. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Maybe an ultimatum...if she doesn't follow rules...she will stay with grandparents. I hate have to follow thru or it is useless. Plus, she might run away from grandparents home, then things could be worse. How far away do they live.

    The only suggestion I have is that she can only see her preferred friends, at your house, when you are home. Sometimes, I find the friends turn out to be not so bad...or at least, I can't blame my child's behavior on them. Of course, if they are bringing drugs in to the home, then it isn't a possibility.

  7. culturanta

    culturanta Member

    Is it possible to send her to a private school or would she find a way to see these negative peers in the neighborhood?
  8. MommaK

    MommaK Member

    If she lives with her grand parents she would have to go to private school. They live 45 minutes from us. We did allow them to come hang out at our home. Some we discovered are helping the behavior others are not, but she attempts to use the ones not helping it as her cover for the others. We can't believe anything she says and she is always sneaking around to do anything and everything whether its something we woyld allow or not. She says she wants to conteol her life. She diesnt have the skills for that at this time. At her grandparents she would be dropped off and picked up from school each day, and they live on a farm in the middle of nowhere; so access to places and friends would be much more difficult. Here we are in the middle of a city and it's easy for her to sneak and do wjat she wants when we are asleep.
  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I vote for trying the grandma. As long as she can get to negative friends, she will.

    The problem is, you can find troubled kids anywhere, including private schools (my kids briefly went to a religious school). If your daughter only enjoys rebellious kids, she can find new ones to hang with. No shortage of them and no magic place where they don't exist. Many parents send troubled kids to religious schools hoping they straighten out, so there is nowhere to hide

    I think the real plus to grandma is not being able to sneak out at night. That is huge. My daughter used to do that and those were times she goy

    Also, is this a four year solution, until she graduates?
    Last edited: Aug 12, 2016
  10. Sister's Keeper

    Sister's Keeper Active Member

    I think I would have to go with KSM on this an issue an ultimatum. The problem is that you will have to stick with it.

    If you have exhausted all other avenues and the behavior remains, sit down and tell her that if there are any further problems that she will have to go stay with her grandparents for school.

    I, also, can't imagine doing this, but I guess I am thinking that if getting her out of the environment is the only way to fix this it is what I would have to do.
  11. MommaK

    MommaK Member

    Yes, this would be until she graduates. I agree if she gravitates towards other difficult kids she will do it no matter what or where. Difference in there and here is small town where everyone knows everyone, especially my in laws and her class would be 18 kids versus several hundred. Yesterday I had a meeting with her principal because she found a way to unblock imessage on her school provided mac book. He blocked it thru the school and verified it was blocked. Today I get home and look at her phone to discover she got around the schools block of imessage. Now the school is going to list her and watch her as a problem child. Some of things they discuss in imessage, which the school can see, can get her kicked out and possibly legal trouble due to discussing drug use and how to get clean before a drug test. As much as I hate to say it sending her to live with inlaws is looking better by the minute.
  12. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Tough call - on one hand, I think KSM's idea of an ultimatum is a good one. But I suspect you may have gone that route in the past. Having her friends at the house is a good one, but it's so difficult to know exactly who they are hanging with if they don't want you to know.

    Then agin, having her go to grandma's could go either way. She could, after the initial "shock value" of a smaller school with more rules and less kids, settle. But it could also bring out the rebel factor and her feelings of "mom and dad didn't want me"...

    I totally get your sentiment of good or bad we raise her. Does she have a psychiatrist or therapist? I might present the scenario to him/her and get their thoughts.

    You are probably running on limited time to make the choice I imagine with school beginning soon depending on where you are in the country (we don't start until after Labor Day around here). I say you and your husband think it over a little more -- make the pros and cons list...I know you can't anticipate everything. At some point, your daughter does deserve to be in the loop to a certain degree.

    I vote for mulling it over a bit since it's so new and then follow your gut - it usually doesn't lead you astray.

  13. MommaK

    MommaK Member

    School has started here already. The school she would be in is the school she attended before we moved 3 years ago. I worry a lot about the "mom and dad not wanting me" especially since she has been abandoned by her bio mom.
  14. Sister's Keeper

    Sister's Keeper Active Member

    Well, that's a new layer. In that case, no, I wouldn't do it. I can see how that would make her feel.

    I'm not sure what steps you have taken so far to try to curb her behavior. Is there any way you can step up monitoring?
  15. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Is she adopted? At what age?

    It may be a bad idea if her mom abandoned her. My adopted kids are very sensitive about abandonmemt.
  16. MommaK

    MommaK Member

    Not adopted. She is my husband's daughter from his first marriage. He has had custody of her since she was 6 months old. I have raised her as mine since she was 17 months old. She and my mother in law are very close. They have what I would call an almost mother daughter relationship. The issue of her bio mom abandoning her didn't come up until my daughter finally discovered over the last 2 years what a POS bio mom really is. We never spoke ill of bio mom to her. We wanted the daughter to form her own opinions. Daughters behaviors right now mimick the worst of bio mom's behaviors at this age. Like I said we grew up in a small town and everyone knows everyone. I have known bio mom and her family a very long time. Bio mom has visitation rights but very rarely has exercised them over the years and now she doesn't contact or exercise visitation rights at all.
  17. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Ah ok. I'm sure she appreciates (or will one day) what you have done for her. And if she is that close to your mother in law, she may enjoy it there and perhaps calm down..
    There is no 100% right or wrong answers to anything.
  18. MommaK

    MommaK Member

    Oh, and tho bio mom will not allow me to adopt my daughter, I do hold full power of attorney of her to exercise full parental rights. Husband holds full legal and physical custody and due to his travel that takes him out of state and sometimes the country, he granted me power of attorney to be able to act in his absence.
  19. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Legal issues can't trump what's in your hearts :)
  20. MommaK

    MommaK Member

    Very true, but just wanted to be sure I gave all info; so if it needed to be considered when offering advice it could be.