Linda, you asked, "Why cant we get through to him when hes in the middle of a confrontation, why can't he see it before he does this?"
Linda, I think the reason is in his diagnosis. Normal, expected behaviour simply doesn't get picked up by these kids. Where we teach 'normal' kids, and they learn a lot simply from being around each other, kids anywhere near the Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) scale simply DO NOT LEARN social interaction the same way. They cannot pick it up by osmosis.
You view this as disrespect. I do not. And I think you need to stop seeing it as disrespect, and begin seeing it as difficult child simply not able to understand, without detailed, on-the-spot instruction over and over, PLUS consistent example being shown which matches what he is told, on what sort of behaviour rules are required.
I think this wonderful scoutmaster sees this, or he would not have wanted difficult child back. Witz, that volunteer suggestion is a really good one. As I see it, difficult child basically needs an aide, in this setting, at least until he gets a feel for how it works. That scoutmaster sounds like a gem, definitely hang on to him.
We do tend to be hypersensitive to our kids out in public. We feel easily shamed by their behaviour, as a reflection on our ability as parents. But with Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) kids you need to ignore that and keep your focus on what the child is thinking and feeling, in order to eventually lead that child to where other people are thinking and feeling. By always thinking of your own shame caused by difficult child, you're not helping him understand.
Why is this not disrespect? To answer this, you need to understand what respect is, from difficult child's point of view. What have you tried to teach him about respect? What do you feel his understanding seems to be? Think about his behaviour in a number of situations, as you consider this. You have your own definition, he certainly doesn't sound like he meets your definition at home. Why? Kids do not choose to be disrespectful unless there is something in it for them. Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) kids as a rule are very law-abiding. The catch is, it's THEIR laws they tend to follow as a priority. And you can't change that merely with your words.
Think about his environment. What influences are more important to him, in teaching him about how to interact with others? We'd like to say parents are, but only up to school age. He's now 11. He goes to a mainstream school? So how does he get on with the other kids? How does he get on with the teachers? How does he cope in class, with the noise and distraction? Some Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) kids do better than others. If his class social group are fairly bright, gentle and decent kids, then his personal rules should be closer to what you've tried to teach him. But if those kids are like that then that is very rare. More likely, difficult child has experienced a fair bit of teasing and bullying. Unless the teasing was ALL dealt with immediately, effectively and appropriately by the teachers, then difficult child has learnt different social rules. He has also learnt "Do as I do, not do as I say." And THIS is what you are seeing as disrespect. What is happening, in fact, is he is following the rules he has developed for himself. He IS being law-abiding.
These rules can be changed, but only by increasing his experience of appropriate justice.
An example of learning wrong rules: A child with Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) in a mainstream setting is TOLD, from the beginning, "Do not hit others. Do not be mean. Do not tell lies." and so on. They're also told, "If someone hurts you, or is mean to you, tell a teacher and they will fix it."
Then the child observes - while SOMETIMES a teacher will intervene, most times the teacher will not (because the teacher is not present). The child sees (or experiences) a child hitting, and either nothing is done or our Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) child is punished for hitting back. Meanwhile, the kid who started it gets off scot free. And this happens over and over. Our child learns - you CAN hit back, but you mustn't get caught. Or he learns, "Pete can hit me, but I can't hit anyone back because I am the one who gets into trouble."
A very sad event from difficult child 3's elementary/middle school experience - we had just changed schools because he had been so constantly bullied, and always got punished often for just defending himself. His attitude to other kids was increasingly hostile as he had developed his own understanding of behaviour patterns - first a kid yells insults, then he starts to hit you and maybe gets his friends to hit you, then difficult child 3 gets into trouble for fighting and the other kids call him names about it and laugh about it.
So at his new school, day 1, a kid bumps into difficult child 1 and says, "Get out of my way, you retard."
difficult child 3 follows the kid into the playground and says, "Aren't you going to hit me now? Why aren't you hitting me?"
The other boy, to his credit, runs and gets a teacher. The other boy thought difficult child 3 was asking him to hit him ("Go on, I dare you,") but in fact difficult child 3 was simply puzzled as to why the usual rules he had learnt, had not been followed (rule - first the name calling, then the hitting).
When difficult child 3 was questioned he said, "I wanted him to tell me why he wasn't hitting me. Because they always hit and I just wanted it over with."
Your difficult child has developed his own rules, because what he has been taught verbally by you, by his teachers etc simply does not match what he has observed for himself, in the rough and tumble of life. As he gets older his rules can become more complex and he can slowly be made to understand that yes, some people break the rules (which is wrong) but he is not permitted to. Part of his mind will still wonder why they aren't punished for breaking the rules (and he will be very resentful of this).
We had to change the way we dealt with difficult child 3. We found that the more we tried to rule strictly, the worse he got. When we increasingly heard our voices coming back at us from him, we began to get the message. When you hear your child say, "Because I said so, that's why!" or "When I said I wanted a drink of milk now, I didn't think I'd be still waiting for it half an hour later. What have you been doing with your time?"
We interpret this as disrespect, but in reality it is what he has received from those in authority - they are showing him how to behave, by their own behaviour. And he is NOT doing this with a twinkle in his eye to show you up - he is doing this in the belief that this is how people are supposed to relate to one another - because that's how people relate to him.
I've noticed with other Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) kids too, not just mine - they don't seem to distinguish between children and adults. They do not recognise authority. They DO recognise scholarship - someone who is clearly an expert in their field will get their respect, while dealing with that field. But again an example from difficult child 3 when he first started school - a teacher at that school uses her authority to bully kids. She uses sarcasm far too much. She also should have know better, than to suddenly begin to ring a loud handbell, right behind difficult child 3.
He turned and shouted at her. "EXCUUUSE ME!" (She's lucky he didn't swear at her, but he hadn't been at school long enough at that stage to have picked up the bad language).
The teacher said loudly, "No, I'm the teacher, you're supposed to excuse ME!"
Most kids would have withered at her tone and stance, but difficult child 3 had by this point turned around and walked away (to get away from the loud bell). The teacher had tried to make an impression and ended up with egg on her face. I was gleefully told about this by other kids present, who really enjoyed seeing this teacher put in hr place (apparently) by a little kid who really had no idea he'd just been rude to anyone. In his mind, she started it by making a loud noise and scaring him. In his mind, she needed to be told to not be so rude.
We've learnt (the hard way) that there are a lot of things you should NOT do to an autistic child. You shouldn't use sarcasm. You should be very clear in what you say. You shouldn't use any tone or language or attitude to a child that you would find unacceptable coming back at you from that child. So if difficult child 3 is throwing a tantrum, we stay calm and say, "Why are you shouting? I'm not shouting at you."
You can still be firm. You can still be strict. But you need to almost turn the usual parenting methods upside down, because what works for a "normal" kid can be absolute disaster for a Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) kid. But when you get it right - it's almost magic. You will still have problems, simply because their social maturity is often stuck at the toddler stage. difficult child 3 has made amazing progress - he is almost 14 and now has the social maturity level of about an 8 year old. For him - this is almost miraculous. About a year ago I'd have been calling him my 5 year old genius.
We do follow Ross Greene - it helped us the most. And we learned to leave the social stuff very much in the background, only deal with a tiny part of the whole problem, or we would overwhelm him and us in our attempts to fix everything.
Our other kids were given high standards to follow, in terms of showing respect. We've learnt to not go there, with difficult child 3. However, at last it's on the agenda for us, as long as we take care again to not overwhelm him. He's learning the new rules, the ones we always wanted him to follow. And he's learning them because they now do, in fact apply, as his own observations of life around him tells him.
Given time and support your difficult child should do well. Try and get into his head and don't react to what you see as disrespect - ignore it and move on until he's back into the group. THEN maybe talk it through, role-play it. Ask him where he learnt to respond in the way he did. But ask quietly, calmly, as if you want him to teach you. Learn to back away from a confrontation, then go back to what you need to deal with when you can. Only work on a very small number of issues at a time, never an entire catalogue. And if something you're working on with him is getting nowhere, chances are it's simply beyond his capability at that time. It can be surprising what our kids can't do, when they seem so capable in other ways.
difficult child 1 was unable to use the telephone at 11 (hey, even years later). I told him he could invite his friends to see a movie with us, but HE had to ring them up. He was in floods of tears over his inability to over come his fear. We finally had to compromise - I made the call, ensured the correct person was on the phone, then handed ti to difficult child 1 who then talked over the phone.
You can motivate a kid; you can punish a kid; you can lecture a kid; you can rally tutor a kid; but if they simply are not capable of doing what you want, you will not succeed. And you ALL will feel like failures, including difficult child. Instead, value the successes and praise them. Know that this is a long hard road but if you've made a start in the right direction you WILL get there. It just takes longer and there is some unexpected scenery on the way.
Good luck with scouts next meeting!
Marg
