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General Parenting
tragedy, grief and the difficult child
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<blockquote data-quote="myfirstandlast" data-source="post: 73628" data-attributes="member: 3420"><p>The questions get tougher ...</p><p></p><p>daughter-9 asked for some one-on-one time, and then asked me how he died, was he shot, did he die of old age ... telling her that he took his own life was just like telling her he passed away all over again ... WHY WHY WHY ... poor sweet girl ...</p><p></p><p>Told her about depression and how it is like a disease and he was sick, and that nobody knew and he didn't like to talk about it, and nobody knew exactly what he was feeling or why, and that it had absolutely nothing to do with her and not her fault or anybody's fault ... she said not even his? and I said no, honey, he was sick, and so depressed that he couldn't think about what he was doing. Lots more tears and hugs and she's wearing one of his favorite shirts all around, probably will sleep with it tonight.</p><p></p><p>After that DS-12 wanted to know more about the "how" and I took a minute to explain how I was going to answer. That I would absolutely tell him anything that he wanted to know, but that for right now, what he needed to know was that he was not in pain, it was not violent ... this was a huge relief and he said that's what he wanted to know, he didn't need to hear more, just that he wasn't in pain. If my daughter asks, I will try to do the same.</p><p></p><p>The exact how, and when, are still not quite known, and I don't know if we will get more info ... the police came and there was no reason to suspect foul play. Grandma put his date of death as Thursday for the obit but it would seem that he had been gone at least since Wednesday since he didn't come to see his kids. She hadn't talked to him since Saturday, so it could have been earlier, but she said he didn't look as if he'd been there long. There were rope marks and also open medicine containers. No autopsy. They were not going to have a viewing or have him embalmed but go straight to cremation, but I was certain the kids would want to see him to say their goodbyes, maybe even need to see him for closure. My son knew right away that he did, my daughter took her time and didn't tell me until today. She wrote a note to send with him. It is so heartbreaking ...</p><p></p><p>I got a call from one of my son's classmates' mom, she said a letter had gone home to all parents of 7th graders about what happened. We didn't think they were going to use his name, but they did, and DS is kind of upset about that. He said he wanted to be the one to tell his best friends, that he wanted to be anonymous. Now when he goes to school Monday, everyone will know. I tried to explain that they have done this before for other people, and that it was probably for the best, really. How it might help other people who have gone through something similar, and help them to know that you are going through a very rough time.</p><p></p><p>Don't know if they did the same at my daughter's school, although my sister did say that they will bring in a counselor to talk to each 4th grade class about someone's father dying, didn't know if they would say who. The school budget cuts mean there is no counselor in that elementary building. :frown:</p><p></p><p>There IS a very well recommended grief center for children in a nearby city that we've been referred to several times already. The kids will have counseling as soon as I can set it up.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>(I should explain, my husband is step-dad to DS-12 and daughter-9 and the father of daughter-14 who does not live with us but with her mom. It is my ex-husband and father of my two kids that died.)</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="myfirstandlast, post: 73628, member: 3420"] The questions get tougher ... daughter-9 asked for some one-on-one time, and then asked me how he died, was he shot, did he die of old age ... telling her that he took his own life was just like telling her he passed away all over again ... WHY WHY WHY ... poor sweet girl ... Told her about depression and how it is like a disease and he was sick, and that nobody knew and he didn't like to talk about it, and nobody knew exactly what he was feeling or why, and that it had absolutely nothing to do with her and not her fault or anybody's fault ... she said not even his? and I said no, honey, he was sick, and so depressed that he couldn't think about what he was doing. Lots more tears and hugs and she's wearing one of his favorite shirts all around, probably will sleep with it tonight. After that DS-12 wanted to know more about the "how" and I took a minute to explain how I was going to answer. That I would absolutely tell him anything that he wanted to know, but that for right now, what he needed to know was that he was not in pain, it was not violent ... this was a huge relief and he said that's what he wanted to know, he didn't need to hear more, just that he wasn't in pain. If my daughter asks, I will try to do the same. The exact how, and when, are still not quite known, and I don't know if we will get more info ... the police came and there was no reason to suspect foul play. Grandma put his date of death as Thursday for the obit but it would seem that he had been gone at least since Wednesday since he didn't come to see his kids. She hadn't talked to him since Saturday, so it could have been earlier, but she said he didn't look as if he'd been there long. There were rope marks and also open medicine containers. No autopsy. They were not going to have a viewing or have him embalmed but go straight to cremation, but I was certain the kids would want to see him to say their goodbyes, maybe even need to see him for closure. My son knew right away that he did, my daughter took her time and didn't tell me until today. She wrote a note to send with him. It is so heartbreaking ... I got a call from one of my son's classmates' mom, she said a letter had gone home to all parents of 7th graders about what happened. We didn't think they were going to use his name, but they did, and DS is kind of upset about that. He said he wanted to be the one to tell his best friends, that he wanted to be anonymous. Now when he goes to school Monday, everyone will know. I tried to explain that they have done this before for other people, and that it was probably for the best, really. How it might help other people who have gone through something similar, and help them to know that you are going through a very rough time. Don't know if they did the same at my daughter's school, although my sister did say that they will bring in a counselor to talk to each 4th grade class about someone's father dying, didn't know if they would say who. The school budget cuts mean there is no counselor in that elementary building. [img]:frown:[/img] There IS a very well recommended grief center for children in a nearby city that we've been referred to several times already. The kids will have counseling as soon as I can set it up. (I should explain, my husband is step-dad to DS-12 and daughter-9 and the father of daughter-14 who does not live with us but with her mom. It is my ex-husband and father of my two kids that died.) [/QUOTE]
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