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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 675611" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Hi Troubled,</p><p>You have given very detailed background on your son, thank you for sharing information and for being here with us on the forum. Sorry for your need to be here, it is a heartache when our children grow up and have challenges.</p><p> I find this interesting that the therapist would make this observation without even speaking with your son.</p><p>Troubled, I went to a Therapist after dealing with my two adult kids, who drove me rather crazy coming and going through our "revolving" door. We thought we were helping them.</p><p>After sharing my story, the Therapist took one look at me and sternly said "You are an enabler." The word ran round my head, like a scene from Twilight Zone. "But, but, but, my kids need help...." I sputtered. Her reply was that my kids were adults, and needed to learn how to fend for themselves, that as long as they were in my home, this was not going to happen. It took awhile for me to really understand and grasp this. It was true. My kids came to me for help, then sooner, more than later, started to take for granted what we were doing for them. They failed to launch. They were in our house, but acting out, disrespectful, like they<em> despised </em>their situation. Yet, they still expected us to "help" and put up with their shenanigans.......</p><p>My two used the same tactic. How clever. They didn't want to address the issue, so if I brought it up, they would "release the Kraken". We were walking on eggshells around them. Writing about it now, I see how manipulative and smart they were. It is really an adult child tantrum. They knew that I wanted to address their laziness, drug use, partying, and that discussion would probably result in ultimatums. So, they fended off the discussion by acting disrespectful and irrational. It was<em> insanity. </em>I believed that it was due to depression also. I later found out, they were both doing heavy drugs. What I was observing, was the nasty side effects of withdrawal. My two were not only using drugs, they were using us.They were literally "running the show".</p><p></p><p>Our adult children are not meant to live off of us, doing whatever they please.</p><p>It gives no meaning to their lives.</p><p>They have wings, and are meant to use them, but will not, under our roofs.</p><p></p><p>Troubled, I am not trying to be harsh with you, just been there, done that. Tried everything under the sun. </p><p>Raised my girls, they made bad choices from teens. In and out of trouble. Came back home to live and made us all miserable. Over and again. They made promises and broke them. We had agreements, broke them. I feel like all of that, the misery in our home, the attempts to repair relationship.....just prolonged things. We will not be around forever to pick up the pieces of our difficult children's lives. They need to learn to fend for themselves. </p><p>My hubs cousins have been taking care of their son <em>forever, he is in his 50's.</em> </p><p>They are in their late 70's.</p><p></p><p>If you do as planned, write the contract, I do so hope that your son will follow through. </p><p>If he does not, you may want to think of letting him go, to find his own way. Countless folks here on CD, will tell you that their kids did not fare well under their roofs. Our adult children need to reap the consequences of their actions, to learn......to grow.</p><p></p><p>I do not mean to come harshly at you Troubled, this has been a long 8 years for you. I do understand, have been in this dilemma, just wanting the best for my girls. I finally realized, what I wanted, and they wanted, were completely different things. </p><p></p><p>Wishing peace for you and yours</p><p>Please do not blame yourself, your success, for your sons problems, <em>I think that is completely unfair.</em></p><p></p><p>leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 675611, member: 19522"] Hi Troubled, You have given very detailed background on your son, thank you for sharing information and for being here with us on the forum. Sorry for your need to be here, it is a heartache when our children grow up and have challenges. I find this interesting that the therapist would make this observation without even speaking with your son. Troubled, I went to a Therapist after dealing with my two adult kids, who drove me rather crazy coming and going through our "revolving" door. We thought we were helping them. After sharing my story, the Therapist took one look at me and sternly said "You are an enabler." The word ran round my head, like a scene from Twilight Zone. "But, but, but, my kids need help...." I sputtered. Her reply was that my kids were adults, and needed to learn how to fend for themselves, that as long as they were in my home, this was not going to happen. It took awhile for me to really understand and grasp this. It was true. My kids came to me for help, then sooner, more than later, started to take for granted what we were doing for them. They failed to launch. They were in our house, but acting out, disrespectful, like they[I] despised [/I]their situation. Yet, they still expected us to "help" and put up with their shenanigans....... My two used the same tactic. How clever. They didn't want to address the issue, so if I brought it up, they would "release the Kraken". We were walking on eggshells around them. Writing about it now, I see how manipulative and smart they were. It is really an adult child tantrum. They knew that I wanted to address their laziness, drug use, partying, and that discussion would probably result in ultimatums. So, they fended off the discussion by acting disrespectful and irrational. It was[I] insanity. [/I]I believed that it was due to depression also. I later found out, they were both doing heavy drugs. What I was observing, was the nasty side effects of withdrawal. My two were not only using drugs, they were using us.They were literally "running the show". Our adult children are not meant to live off of us, doing whatever they please. It gives no meaning to their lives. They have wings, and are meant to use them, but will not, under our roofs. Troubled, I am not trying to be harsh with you, just been there, done that. Tried everything under the sun. Raised my girls, they made bad choices from teens. In and out of trouble. Came back home to live and made us all miserable. Over and again. They made promises and broke them. We had agreements, broke them. I feel like all of that, the misery in our home, the attempts to repair relationship.....just prolonged things. We will not be around forever to pick up the pieces of our difficult children's lives. They need to learn to fend for themselves. My hubs cousins have been taking care of their son [I]forever, he is in his 50's.[/I] They are in their late 70's. If you do as planned, write the contract, I do so hope that your son will follow through. If he does not, you may want to think of letting him go, to find his own way. Countless folks here on CD, will tell you that their kids did not fare well under their roofs. Our adult children need to reap the consequences of their actions, to learn......to grow. I do not mean to come harshly at you Troubled, this has been a long 8 years for you. I do understand, have been in this dilemma, just wanting the best for my girls. I finally realized, what I wanted, and they wanted, were completely different things. Wishing peace for you and yours Please do not blame yourself, your success, for your sons problems, [I]I think that is completely unfair.[/I] leafy [/QUOTE]
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