Troubles never end

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by worried sick mother, Apr 14, 2016.

  1. worried sick mother

    worried sick mother Active Member

    My son is still in rehab in California, I still have limited contact with him which doesn't make sense to me because he talks to his drug addict girlfriend and his father daily but they say I'm the one is upset with so no contact. That's fine with me though. I was suppose to be able to relax since he is now safe but that's not the case. His girlfriend is still a heroin addict, she is still living in the apartment that they shared. They were transporting gang drug dealers from another state and letting them stay there while the came to town to sell their drugs. They received a little money and heroin for doing that. My son told me himself that they had guns so it's completely not a safe place. He even told me that he could never go back there. We cosigned for this apartment (I know, crazy) but she has given a 30 day notice that she is moving out but now she tried to take back the notice but can't (thank God) because it's already been rented for the first the month. She hasn't paid the rent for this month and for everyday it's late there's a $5 charge which falls back on us, so we already will owe $700 if she moves out by the 30th , I don't think she will and then we will owe more. Lesson learned, NEVER cosign!!! I have a key to the apartment and I am thinking of moving her out while she is at work and having the lock changed, my son will be so mad and probably hate me more but I sure don't want to have to pay more. That's one of my problems! She can go stay with her mom but she just doesn't want to. I was hoping if she didn't have anywhere to go besides her moms that she would go to rehab herself. If my son comes back to an addict then he will be right back on drugs too and I will have done all of this for nothing.
    My next problem is that my son is manipulating his father ( not married to him) , his girlfriend is driving my sons car which is in his dad's name and my son is telling his dad that if he doesn't continue to let her keep the car and help her pay rent or get a place to live that he is quitting rehab and coming home. I tried to tell his dad the things I've learned in counseling, alanon, and from you guys and he attacked me said that my son was on drugs because of me. He said that no wonder my son is on drugs from having to put up with me his whole life and that he will not turn his back on him. I tried to explain its not turning your back but not enabling. That didn't work, just got attacked more, called lots of names. He has always told my son a lot of lies about me. My son was never very close to him until he started using drugs and now they are tight, he was close with me. His dad has been in denial about his drug use , even tried to back out of the intervention we had to get him to rehab but now he tries to take credit for the intervention. If he helps her get another place to live then my son is coming back to a drug house. My anxiety is so bad, I'm so scared for the future.
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Im sorry for your pain.

    If you are reading this and going to al anon you are learning to accept that we can't control anyone but ourselves. You can not control your son by paying for his rehab or co signing for his apartment. You can't stop your ex from enabling son or bad mouthing you and, if this were me, I would stop talking to the man. You can't control girlfriend, your spouse, your neighber or your kissing cousin. I wish you could.

    You can not force your son to stay clean, dump the girlfriend or whom your son aligns with, regardless of what great things you have done for your son.

    But you know this.

    It is good to vent and its too bad all these things are happening, but thry are out of your control.

    I hope things change for the better soon. I hope you start to detach and take care of yourself. You are the only one you are able to control.

    Good luck.
     
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  3. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Maybe you should just go ahead and pay for the rent for the month instead of getting hit with daily late charges. If you cosigned the lease, you are responsible for the rent whether it seems fair or not.

    Luckily, it is rented out starting next month so you will be off the hook. Just consider it a lesson learned.

    I agree with SWOT about cutting off all contact with these toxic people (including your son for the time being). If his father thinks he can fix everything, let him. He will find out soon enough that he is wrong. In the meantime, you are just setting yourself up for abuse from both of them. Your son is already trying to manipulate his father by demanding that he let the girlfriend drive the car and finding her a place to stay or he will leave rehab. Let your ex find that out the hard way.

    I know you love your son but you have to put yourself first. You said that your anxiety is off the charts. Start going to meetings and find a therapist. As we have said many times, you can't change your son's behavior or his father's behavior. You can change how you react to them and what you will accept when it comes to how they treat you.

    I took breaks in contact with my daughter when she was at her worst. I blocked calls and texts and deleted any voice messages before I listened to them. Your son needs to learn he can't manipulate you and that you will demand that he treats you respectfully or you will not be in contact with him. If you stick to it, he will eventually change his behavior towards you. It won't make him quit drugs but that is not something you have any control over. You do have control over how you let others treat you.

    After you have made that point, you can try limited contact for a while (set a time once a week for a phone call). If he becomes abusive or manipulative, cut off contact again.

    I know how hard this all is . . . {{{hugs}}}.

    ~Kathy
     
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  4. worried sick mother

    worried sick mother Active Member

    Thank you both. I do know all these things but it helps to hear again from people who understand. I will be paying the rent but the landlord said if I pay it now that they may not be able to get her out of there, they said to wait until she is out. My son knows better than to ask me to pay anything, it's his father he is asking but then his father is harassing me to get them a place to live. I'm just going to try to take a step back from this situation, I just want him to get better so bad. I'm thinking of shutting his cell phone off so he can't have contact with the drug addict girlfriend or his dad.
     
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  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Good idea about the cell phone. Likely clueless dad will get him another one, but let HIM pay for it.
     
  6. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You are paying for his cell phone?? By all means, get it turned off.

    How old is he again? Why are you paying for it in the first place?
     
  7. worried sick mother

    worried sick mother Active Member

    I was paying for the cell phone because I was using it as leverage for him to go to counseling, this is before I actually knew for sure he was on drugs. There has been a question of if he was on drugs or had bipolar. That was actually one of my first post on here because I didn't know. My son has never stole anything, doesn't beg for money, never sold any of his things and he has nice things that he doesn't even use so I just didn't know for sure. Now I know that I was just in complete denial, I didn't want it to be true, no parent does, right. Since I figured out for sure it is drugs, it has been my lifeline, so not for him but for me. Since I found out heroin is the drug I've just been a mess. My son agreed to go to rehab after the intervention and I'm trying to be loving and supportive so I didn't want to shut off the phone. However, I may have to if talking to his girlfriend is going to alter his recovery. I wish the rehab didn't allow phones.
     
  8. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Sometimes you can suspend cell service. There may be a fee.... But maybe suspend it so that he can't call her while he is there? I know for me we pay for cell service for my son.... It is one way we can check that he is ok. So I pay for his phone for my peace of mind.
     
  9. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    From what I've read by people who have been in rehab, most of them do not allow cellphones, at least during the 1st 30 days.

    I'd call this rehab yourself and verify what their cellphone policy is. If they allow them, I would first insist on erasing ALL his contacts except for you and one other trusted family member. Otherwise he'll just have all his connections waiting for him when he gets out of rehab.

    Of course, guarantee he'll make new contacts IN rehab.
     
  10. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    True.... And a lot of times people find ways to hide their phones, so they are not supposed to have them but have them anyway. been there done that with my son. So yeah call the rehab and let them know your son is calling you and ask them their cell phone policy... They might then take away his phone.
     
  11. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    My daughter has been in 4 inpatient programs (sad to say) and every one of them took the phone away while they were there to restrict access to their drug contacts and help keep them focused on treatment. I was very surprised to hear that your son still had his phone.

    I agree with GN and TL that you should check with the facility to see if he should even have one.

    We have long had a friendly disagreement on the board about whether to supply a phone for our substance abusing loved ones. I totally understand that it can be a lifeline and a way to know that our sons or daughters are alive. However, my take on it is that it is also being used to contact their drug dealers so providing phones means you are enabling them to get access to drugs. Also, if your son is only going to counseling in order for you to provide a phone it really isn't going to work.

    Not to mention that the money that they would have to spend on phones goes to drugs instead.

    Finally, there is the enabling component to keep them dependent on us rather than act like functioning adults who pay for their own necessities in life.

    Ultimately, everything comes down to what you feel comfortable doing when it comes to decisions like providing a phone or not. There are no right or wrong answers. The great thing about this board is that we can give you things to think about and then do what seems right for you. We are here to support you.

    ~Kathy
     
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    Last edited: Apr 16, 2016
  12. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    Closest I can come to this is that when I first moved out with my then fiance', my parents paid the deposit for my landline phone so they could stay in touch with me, and so I could call emergency services.

    The only thing they were upset about was that I was moving in with a man without benefit of wedlock.

    That said, I wouldn't pay for the phone because it is enabling his drug abuse. If he has to be bribed to go to counseling or rehab, he isn't ready.
     
  13. worried sick mother

    worried sick mother Active Member

    The rehab allows phones, he doesn't have a lot of time to use it and they say it's considered a privilege, that if it interferes with his treatment that they will take it. I wish this wasn't the case. I haven't cancelled it yet and I haven't had any messages from him or his dad since then. I just can't decide what to do.
     
  14. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    WSM, I have been following along. You may have a differing opinion then offered here and that is okay. It is ultimately your choice. He is in rehab and hopefully sees the value of it.
    I think you have some time to think this through.
    If you are stuck, it is okay.
    Move to something you can do, and that is building yourself up.
    We make better decisions when we have a stronger sense of self.
    Be kind and gentle to yourself.
    (((Hugs)))
    leafy
     
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