Trying not to let it define me

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by RN0441, Feb 26, 2016.

  1. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    I have good days and bad with my son in rehab
    Today is bad. I feel sad that we don't want him in our home any longer and he doesn't know it and I feel sad because on the phone today he said "I'm trying" and I know he is but I know that addiction is stronger than him
    I don't think he REALLY knows that yet
    I don't know if he's really taking this as seriously as he should

    Going to a little place by the house for pizza tonight with hubby but just feel sad
    I can't believe our life turned out this way

    I come to work and am on this site and other sites and looking at where we can place him
    Wondering if he'll go or give us a fight and will it help him, will he be okay
    He'll be 21 in August so I guess it's time for him to grow up the hard way, it didn't have to be like this:(
    Cleaning up all the bills and mess he made for us on his latest binge

    Thankful for all of you on this forum:)
     
  2. nlj

    nlj Well-Known Member

    Sending hugs RNO

    I know it doesn't seem like it at the moment, but you will get through this. It is time for them to grow up the hard way when you've done all you can and they are past the age of needing a 'mommy'. Be his mother instead, be there for him.

    We'll all be here for you over the next weeks and months.
     
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  3. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    RN I am sending hugs to you. Trust me when I tell you that there were months I could not go out in public without hiding my head in case any of our friends/neighbors would see me and ask about my daughter. I found myself tearing up when I walked into stores that she and use to shop in. I had to call my older daughter once and have her meet me at the mall to return something I bought her, I simply couldn't walk into the store. I was in a mourning period.

    It will take you time to accept that your son has a problem that you did not create, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it. It is not your fault. He doesn't yet realize what will happen if he continues this road. Remember he is still very young. He is thinking only for the moment. Until he surrenders to the fact that drug/alcohol are more powerful than him he will fight it. He probably sees his friends doing the same as he is and they are fine.

    The only thing that helped me was time and my support groups/people. They understood what we were living because they lived it also. When they said they understood, I knew they did. There was no judgement or finger pointing. And what I found was the more I shared, the more I realized that we were not alone.

    Enjoy your pizza (and maybe a glass of wine) with your husband. Make sure you keep your connection with him strong. We had to find thing to laugh about in the middle of our crying. There is hope RN, I have seen it.
     
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  4. ColleenB

    ColleenB Active Member

    I know that feeling of sadness. It's overwhealming at times.

    I often look back and play the "what if" game with myself wondering what I could have done different. The game never ends, and I keep on spinning. I'm tired of the guilt and sadness. I am slowly letting go of it. It is helping, and my son is actually doing a bit better ( fingers crossed).

    Maybe he is going better because I'm letting go more? Not sure. But I am feeling better.

    I wish for you some peace. You deserve it.
     
  5. lovemyson1

    lovemyson1 Active Member

    Good morning RN. I can't tell you how many times hubby and I have asked ourselves the same question. "It could have been different, it shouldn't be this way." We just are baffled at his choice to take drugs and become an addict. Our son had/has so much potential, handsome, great personality, athletic. We gave him our love, our time, everything we possibly could. We expected him to be on a full wrestling scholarship at this point, and heading into law enforcement like his father. It's so very disappointing. Drugs are the destroyer of life, they are evil and pure destruction. You are not alone. I have hope for you and all of us here. I pray daily for this to stop. But we must go on, we must love them, support their sobriety but be firm and never enable them. Take care of yourself, you deserve it!
     
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  6. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Your son is young.

    They say male brains do not fully develop until 27 or later. He could well have just been trapped by the drugs. By that I mean made a foolish choice one time or a few times, for peer pressure or foolishness. And it took off from there. It may well have not one thing to do with who he really is, you, your parenting or any other thing, other than the drug taking hold in his system.

    I believe that all of the wonderful things about him are there still. He will tackle this mokney on his back. I believe that with all of my heart. You are wonderful and loving parents. I know that from everything I have read in your posts.

    He will do this, Lovemyson. You have learned so much and changed so much since you arrived here. I am so glad you stayed. And me too.

    Take care.

    COPA
     
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    Last edited: Mar 12, 2016
  7. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    While my son did not use hard drugs as far as I know, when I did not want him in my home, I told him. Whether this was right or wrong I do not know. The way I feel is how do they come to understand that their choices are damaging to themselves and others, if they do not get the consequence?
    Your life is this way right now. There is no way of knowing that tomorrow will be the same or different.

    For things to be different, you have to act different, and you are . You are doing every single thing necessary for your son to change himself. Try to take heart from that. Have pride in that. That you are doing for your son, yourself and your family. This was essential for me to understand. That my suffering did not help my son. It was the reverse, I think. That I would not suffer for him. That only he would suffer from his bad choices.

    Take heart, RN. You are doing this. I am glad you are here.

    COPA
     
    Last edited: Mar 13, 2016
  8. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    RN, I missed this post. Oh, how I can relate to what you are saying.
    Good days and bad. The other night for me was very bad. I am finding that I am able to pick myself up and brush the dust of sorrow and bewilderment off a little better. As I readjust my patterns of response, it is uncomfortable and strange. But it is right. It is right that my daughters learn to take care of themselves, have consequences for their choices. I am more resolved that they will not live with us. I have been down that road too many times to think that is a solution to the problem. It is not.
    Thank you for this post, RN, and for sharing your feelings. It is a hard journey we are all on. I must tell you, that your resolve to have your son out of the house, go to rehab- is a good chance for him to be able to pivot. I hope he understands this, and takes this chance to break free from his using drugs, and thinking he can use you.
    You are right, RN, it didn't have to be like this, but it is. I feel the same way.
    All the years of our girls coming and going did not help them. They just kept coming back home, we would take them in and before we even realized it, we were cycling down with the degradation of their choices. I wish I had found this site much sooner, but things happen as they do for a reason. Maybe it is so, so that I can tell you with all of my heart that I know this way of "helping", allowing them to live at home while they continue down a destructive path, is not helping.

    Though it hurts to say "No, you cannot come home." it is the best thing you are doing for your son. We ended up prolonging the problem. Stay strong RN, and firm in your resolve. You are doing the right thing. You are giving your son a chance to start over and get off of the tracks.
    This post was two weeks ago, and I am sorry I missed it. I hope you are in a better place and it is a good day for you.
    I am glad that you are here posting and sharing your feelings. I thank you so very much, for responding to me in my sorrow. It is helpful to know we are not alone in the ups and downs and sideways of this journey.

    I hope today is a better day for you, and your son.
    May our children see the light and remember who they are.

    (((HUGS)))
    leafy
     
  9. lovemyson1

    lovemyson1 Active Member

    Ahh, thank you so much Copa. I have changed. Man, what hard times we've been through, but we've seen victories too. I appreciate your words of encouragement. We all need each other. We all need support and encouragement. I'm so thankful for everyone who has helped me on this site. It really has educated me and made me feel accepted and supported. Thank God for each of you. God bless our kids!
     
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  10. Karenvm

    Karenvm Member

    RN, I feel the very same way that you do. My son will be 21 in June, and though he is in college, doing fairly well academically (math and physics major), he's just not doing so well in the rest of "life". Drinking still continues to be an issue. He was home this past week for spring break, and we had a horrible incident, as a result of him being drunk, and I have told him that we can no longer have him live here. Come this summer, he will need to find somewhere else to stay, as he just can't come home. I just can't do it anymore! It's been five years of dealing with his issues, and just when I think things are great, they come crashing down. It's so very sad, because I love him so much, and he's really got a big heart, and is a good person. He just can't seem to get his stuff together.
    I don't have any words of wisdom. I wish that I did. But I can tell you that I understand your sadness, and I share it myself.
     
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  11. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Karen, I know how hard that is. I waited too long. Until my son was 23. I put up with too much. They need to live so that the consequences of their choices falls on them, not us. As long as they come home, the boundaries are murky.

    Good for you. And good for him, too.

    COPA
     
  12. Karenvm

    Karenvm Member

    COPA, you are so right. But it's so hard to do, even when I know it's the right thing to do. I actually just told my son that he needs to deal with the consequences that he has caused himself. He has about $200 to his name to last the rest of the semester, and I know it's never going to be enough. It's just not my problem anymore.
     
  13. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    My son was home for 24 hours over the weekend - came home from rehab yesterday (Sunday) morning. I was very ill all day Saturday. On the couch all day with body aches, headache and stomach pain. Not sure if it was stress or not. I didn't think stress could cause body aches but I don't know.

    All was calm yesterday but I was a nervous wreck having him home. Feel like I have PTSD at times. We again hid everything even though he's sober and only steals when using, but I have to remember that at some point when he's sober he makes a wrong choice not to be sober BUT husband felt he would not do anything crazy only being home one day. Went out to lunch with husband and older son. Everything was awkward. Difficult Child has on gold chain he took from his older brother's room when he was on last binge. I didn't have the fight in me to tell him to give it back. Their relationship is very strained as is with his other brother too. Oh well too many battles to fight and I'm still under the weather but at work today.

    Today he is on his way to Delray Beach, Florida with his dad - road trip - for an intensive outpatient program and then sober living most likely. I did not want to see him before work today because it would be too hard and luckily he was sleeping. Last night I just hugged him and told him I loved him and reminded him of a some things to pack and to be sure he had everything he needs. He wants to go. Knows he cannot be home. I didn't even want to say anything. There is nothing left to say. I have said it all so many times. He says he wants to get in shape and ride his bike to the beach and get a job. That fills me with hope and sounds like a good plan.
     
  14. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    RN, I am sorry you were ill, I know the feeling, wondering if it is stress, PTSD, or the bug, maybe a combo.....ugh. I hope you are better today.
    I am glad your son wants to go. That is good. Stay strong and hopeful and keep building yourself up for whatever comes down the road.
    (((HUGS)))
    leafy
     
  15. UpandDown

    UpandDown Active Member

    Rn, I am thinking of you and your family as your son transitions to outpatient. I remember clearly when my husband took our son to a 3 month intensive program that was a 6 hour drive away. I had to have his dad handle the entire trip. I was such a wreck, I would not have been able to carry through and get him there. Even though I knew it was needed, I felt as if my heart was ripped in two. I gave myself permission during that time to be kind to myself and read lots of books on setting boundaries and teens/young adults who struggle. I also made sure I took a long walk way out in the country every single day. Something about being outside allowed me to get my mind off him even if for a short time. I hope you can find some time for yourself and stay strong.
     
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