Trying to Clarify My Feelings....Opinions Welcome!

busywend

Well-Known Member
I am glad you will confront the therapist about this one. It is silly to think anyone is just going to up and buy a horse - even if they COULD afford one! Sorry, but just because a kid wants it, does not mean they get it.

As Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS) as your feelings.....been there done that! It is so hard to live with the emotional abuse from our own children. BUT - what I learned is you can not take it personally. I know. As hard as it is, you have to realize that it is not personal. For a typical teen it is the typical 'I hate you' now and then. But, for a difficult child it can truly be parental abuse. This is where detachment comes in. You have to remove your feelings from the situation - sometimes for many, many months. I had to or I was afraid I would not even want to speak to her when she became an adult.
 

graceupongrace

New Member
The therpaist thinks it would be really beneficial if we bought difficult child her own horse! She feels it would be a great motivator.

DF, the only thing it would motivate her to do is to continue being hateful.

As if our difficult children don't already have an overwhelming sense of entitlement! :faint:

Of course she's welcome to buy herself a horse when she's 18, and can afford not just the horse, but also the significant ongoing cost of care and upkeep. Until then, nahhhhhh.

Hugs.
 

helpme

New Member
daisyface, now look here.

Ask that shrink if she want's to pay for it because you can't -right now-.

Dealing with the costs of a difficult child, oh yea we all know what you mean. But
that number or value is undefinable unless you choose infinity-endless-or unlimited.
it's defiantly priceless alright.

I guess I've been looking for someone to give me "permission" to put myself first
I'll walk right over to you right now and lightly tap my palm over your forehead.
"Permission granted"

NEXT!

We've been in such a crisis mode with this child for so long now

Another tap on your forehead.


"This is breaktime. It's a time out for you. Take advantage of it.
You will feel and do better remembering these valuable moments
of serenity created for yourself and others around you!"

NEXT

Another tap on the forehead.

"More crisis will come, be prepared"

NEXT

and I've been waiting for some kind of answer or solution so that I could go back to my life....
Another tap on the forehead.

"Get on with it. You have no choice. You deserve it. "


NEXT!

<plan B here, if you argue with me>

Another tap on the forehead.

"Get on with it. You have no choice. You deserve it. "

NEXT!

repeat repeat repeat repeat repeat repeat repeat repeat repeat repeat repeat repeat

Back to Plan A, which includes Plan C

but I guess there isn't any answer--nor any solution....
Another tap on the forehead.

""Get on with it. You have no choice. You deserve it. "

NEXT

and I need to find a way to get back to my life anyway.
Another tap on the forehead.

"Get on with it. You have no choice. You deserve it. "

NEXT!

On to Plan C, since you just ain't got it yet!
I guess I need to work on that...
Another tap on the forehead.

"Get on with it. You have no choice. You deserve it. "

repeat repeat repeat repeat repeat repeat repeat repeat repeat repeat repeat repeat
 
glad to hear you are going to say something.

i thought about you all morning when i did just that....after another off the wall suggestion that i look into pricey art lessons 45 min away from my house for difficult child 2. :|
i kinda lost it, ROFL, and did it feel GOOD!...and then i went down the litany of **** i'm already doing....

$65/week for "social skills" in which the only benefit has been that a boy tells her every single week how beautiful she is...$65...cant i pay the kid down the street $5 to say the same?!(oh, and roughly 3 1/2 hours out of my life).

$125/week for "therapy", of which i have zero idea wth it is accomplishing, only that every professional insists she "needs" it (ditto on time!).

unknown amount out of pocket for summer Occupational Therapist (OT)+cost of whatever "device" may or may not be appropriate (will be another 3 hours of so).

several hundreds in two summer camp programs to help with "social skills", not including pocket money. this is what i pieced together after i informed the therapist i *cannot* afford the $4800/summer real social skills camp.

and various other overcompensations by me desperately trying to "fix" the situation.

art lessions?

i think not.

maybe i'll have the nerve to buy myself a new pair of desperately needed eye glasses instead.

i wanna know what kind of education these people get that they think money grows on trees and horses and art lessons are a mandatory part of life.
next thing you know they'll be rx'ing unicorns and fairies in tiaras.

so yeah, i highly reccommend informing your horse doctor...in no uncertain terms, LOL!
 

DammitJanet

Well-Known Member
DF...you havent been here all that long but in case you dont know, I love my therapist (ok, ex therapist) to death. I truly feel she is a wonderful friend and beautiful woman. However, last week in group she said something that had us all just rofl.

We were talking about something and just out of nowhere she said: "I think you all just have a whole lot of stress in your lives."

Dead silence.

I looked at her and said "and you went to school for how many years to come to that conclusion?"

And we all just died laughing. She could have killed me!
 

susiestar

Roll With It
I think a class should be added to EVERY certification program for psychologist, licensed social workers, etc..... It should include spending a month living with a family with a difficult child. Doing the budget, taking said difficult child to classes, docs, etc , handling all the school stuff, and listening to all the ways the rest of the family has to go without so that difficult child can have this stuff.

It seems to me that MOST of these tdocs have no real clue how a difficult child affects the rest of the family, what other family members give up in order to get the help the difficult child "needs". Needs is in quotes because tdocs tell us a lot of things difficult children need, but often it is stupid stuff like horses, or to be paid to be nice to a sibling. Tdocs somehow have to have their eyes opened to how the family suffers because the difficult child.

I know my kids are VERY jealous of Wiz. He has a LOT of stuff they don't. I cannot afford to sign them up for all kinds of art classes at a hundred bucks a pop. Not with the bills and husband still job hunting. Now my parents are taking Wiz to Europe for a few weeks. They didn't take ME. They feel it is "important" for his education. The one he refused to turn in homework for or pass math classes with better than a D for. Or pass his German class with better than a C.

It is my parents' $$ so I don't comment. I stay out of things concerning Wiz. He doesn't return my calls or speak to me when I call for more than a Hi. Not even a how are you, just a hi. He has been very specific and clear that he loves me but does not want me in his day to day life. It hurts, but it is what it is.

My younger two have sacrificed SO MUCH because Wiz' gfgness. There has to be some way to get tdocs to focus treatment on difficult children behavior within the framework of the family. difficult children are NOT the only priority a family has. They just aren't. NO kid is.

But most tdocs don't have a clue.
 

Marguerite

Active Member
In my situation, I would put this in writing to the therapist, because it makes it clear, permanently, that you are NOT in the same universe.

Dear therapist,

I have some difficulties with your most recent recommendation, that we buy difficult child a horse. First - her love of horses is very recent and has been deliberately at the expense of my own obvious, long-term enjoyment of horses. In other words, she has made it clear that she will only be involved with horses, if I am not. This is an infringement of MY rights. I have in the past happily put myself last in my determination to help my daughter. I have now been made to realise this was the wrong things to do, and has been responsible for difficult child to develop an inappropriate sense of entitlement as well as resentment of anything that occupies my energies away from dealing with her wants and desires.

Therefore for emotional/psychological reasons, my buying difficult child a horse would be a bad idea, especially if, as difficult child has stated, I must forgo my own involvement and enjoyment of horses, in order for her to participate. I do not feel it is valid for her to set this 'rule' and, in fact, her setting this as a condition tells me volumes about her real motivation - not enjoyment, but dog in the manger to block MY enjoyment.

Now to finances. You say it only costs $X to board a horse at ABC and that is very reasonable. It may be, for someone with a sufficiently high income. However, we would be buying food for a horse ahead of buying food for the family. How crazy would we be to be paying for a horse (for an ungrateful teen who has not earned it) when the rest of the family go hungry, without being able to even afford paying their own health care providers, struggling to pay the power bill or the rent? And what does this teach any of the children about priorities?

I have been told that it has been my self-sacrifice that could well be at least partly responsible for difficult child's sense of entitlement and resentment of anything I might try to do for myself, even in terms of personal space. Your suggestion would only magnify this.

Now, if you can find a way to help this family around these obstacles, then I am ready and waiting to take your practical responses on board. But in your treatment of difficult child, although she is your priority as your patient, please be aware that she is also the member of a family now beggared by difficult child's demands and treatment, and we as a whole need to be taken into consideration as well. No man is an island; no child exists in isolation; this entire family is suffering. Please do not add to it."

Then start a search for a therapist with some sense of perspective.

Marg
 

flutterby

Fly away!
DF -

I haven't responded because, well, I've just been speechless. This lady is off her rocker.

Yes, put yourself first for a change. The stress here has been overwhelming and I have been working on getting extra services in place with the hopes of alleviating some of MY stress. I don't know how much it will actually help difficult child - I hope it helps a lot - but my priority right now is relieving some of my stress. I'm hanging on by a thread here.

You take care of YOU. Your difficult child is abusive to you. So is mine. You could give them the world on a silver platter and it wouldn't change a damn thing. Do to get. Period. And she's done nothing.

A horse??? What an idiot. Seriously.

(((hugs)))
 

Shari

IsItFridayYet?
If you spend a dime on something horse-related for difficult child, I'd vote for it to be at a working ranch for troubled youth.

NOTHING will teach you respect like a 1200 pound animal. You disrespect them, and I promise you, they will teach you the error of your ways...but the only way you'll learn that is if you are the one taking care of it day in and day out...5am day in, and 10pm day out...with some sort of paycheck-earning job in the middle to pay for that animal.
 
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Andy

Active Member
I have been giving this one some more thought. I think the best way to approach therapist is to focus on difficult child's inability to take on this responsibility. The $$$ is a side effect. Take the focus off the cost and get the therapist to refocus on difficult child's inability to show respect. This is a nutty idea even if you could afford it. The very first step in a decision like this is always the responsibility end of it. Does difficult child have the maturity it takes to have this much responsibility? If not, then the cost is irrelevant. If therapist or difficult child think the cost is what is keeping you from providing the horse, they will both keep at it trying to get you to "find a way" to make it work. You need to get them both to understand why difficult child is not even close to being ready for this.

Like the process I learned in the Manipulative Child book, do not let either of them take the focus off the issue which is really difficult child's inability to take on this responsibility. You can write down what those responsibilities are with RESPECT as the number one most important and which can include paying for room and board. "difficult child would be responsible for getting a job to pay for the room and board and vet bills for the horse". You know she is unable to do that at this time so without mentioning the exact cost, you have already made your point.

As I mentioned before, therapist should be focusing on helping difficult child learn to respect authority (especially at home). Material things are only going to make that worse. You can not buy respect (I am sure you knew that one already!).
 

DaisyFace

Love me...Love me not
So I wrote an email to the doctor...

I described how difficult child's disruptive and uncooperative behaviors are partly responsible for our money troubles. After all, if I could trust difficult child un-supervised, I could get a job outside the home and earn some extra money.

I also described how difficult child's actions strain our already strained budget...how she will deliberately waste, break or destroy household items and supplies.

And I spelled out that it would be patently unfair to ask our family to sacrifice any more necessities in order to try and do something extra-special for difficult child in the name of "motivation"...

I hope this will get her to understand the things we go through with this child.
 

erbaledge

New Member
daisyface, now look here.

Ask that shrink if she want's to pay for it because you can't -right now-.

Dealing with the costs of a difficult child, oh yea we all know what you mean. But
that number or value is undefinable unless you choose infinity-endless-or unlimited.
it's defiantly priceless alright.

I'll walk right over to you right now and lightly tap my palm over your forehead.
"Permission granted"

NEXT!


Another tap on your forehead.


"This is breaktime. It's a time out for you. Take advantage of it.
You will feel and do better remembering these valuable moments
of serenity created for yourself and others around you!"

NEXT

Another tap on the forehead.

"More crisis will come, be prepared"

NEXT

Another tap on the forehead.

"Get on with it. You have no choice. You deserve it. "


NEXT!

<plan B here, if you argue with me>

Another tap on the forehead.

"Get on with it. You have no choice. You deserve it. "

NEXT!

repeat repeat repeat repeat repeat repeat repeat repeat repeat repeat repeat repeat

Back to Plan A, which includes Plan C

Another tap on the forehead.

""Get on with it. You have no choice. You deserve it. "

NEXT

Another tap on the forehead.

"Get on with it. You have no choice. You deserve it. "

NEXT!

On to Plan C, since you just ain't got it yet!Another tap on the forehead.

"Get on with it. You have no choice. You deserve it. "

repeat repeat repeat repeat repeat repeat repeat repeat repeat repeat repeat repeat

Daisyface - I am going to side with helpme 100% completely. You DO deserve it. Get on with it. :) <3
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
My oldest three kids, at different times, all swore they wanted their own pets and we bought them pets. They lost interest in the pets within a year and we ended up taking care of them.

Nothing on earth could make me buy any of my kids a horse, not for any reason. A dog could do the same thing and is much cheaper. I personally don't believe horses, dogs, or any one gimmick will heal our children. If she truly likes animals and always has, you can frequently take her to a petting zoo.

I would privately tell therapist to keep his opinions about expensive "healings" to himself. I think sometimes our therapists have so much money that they forget how it is to hope you have enough money for groceries. On top of the cost of buying the horse, there is upkeep and vet care. I vote with those who say no.
 

Marguerite

Active Member
A former neighbour of ours had a son who had a near- drowning accident tat left him profoundly handicapped physically. I remember the father talking to me about this cure, or that treatment, including the wacky stuff. One I especially remember was his asking me for advice on how he could get his boy swimming with dolphins, because he had heard somewhere that swimming with dolphins was bringing about some amazing improvements in kids like this. They had thrown every dollar they had at this, plus there was ongoing fundraising around the town for him. A lot of therapy equipment was bought and put in place. There were TV appearances, all trying to raise money for the next treatment idea. Some of these were definitely good; some, like the dolphins, were wacky and unproven. No doubt kids who got to swim with dolphins improved because at some level they valued the novel experience. I don't think it had anything to do with the alleged healing power of dolphin sonar. But that is what some idiot therapist (probably the crystal-waving kook from the corner new-age salon) had sold him on, and so he had to seek it out for his boy. It was reminding me more and more of The Who's "Tommy".

Marg
 

Shari

IsItFridayYet?
I personally believe in the power of animals to help people, but don't for a second think its an end-all/cure-all. Its another tool. I've seen horses have a profound impact on a child, but not in and of itself...it was just a piece of the puzzle...
 

helpme

New Member
So I wrote an email to the doctor...

Good, you don't need that goofball messing with your head.

I can really relate to the working outside the home situation. difficult child 1 was so out of control
with his sisters, but I had no other choices at the time. I kept documenting, but with
their daddy denying any problems, no one "wanted" to listen. When he was removed,
it seemed like the thunderstorms and the tornado just ended. I will never forget how
good we slept that very first night. That breakpoint will come to you and your family
someday as well.

So just remember, that sooner or later, your time will come too. So, even if you can't
get it all arranged now to enjoy your hobbies, please remember to include such
things in your final plan. Someday your dreams will come true. Best of luck to you,
you are one sweet lady.
 

janebrain

New Member
I so agree with everyone else--I am so angry at this dumb therapist! Also, it is important for your difficult child to see you put yourself first. When I stopped caving and trying to please my difficult child 1 and went on with my life despite all her problems it made her treat me better. I had to act strong and show her that my life was important to me in order to get any respect from her. It is a good lesson for our difficult children to learn--they are not the center of our lives.
Jane
 

DaisyFace

Love me...Love me not
Thanks everyone!

We have our next "equine therapy" session tomorrow....

I am soooooo NOT looking forward to it. I'm afraid I'm going to get another speech about how great it would be if difficult child would be "properly motivated" if we did this for her.
 
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