Trying to Clarify My Feelings....Opinions Welcome!

[janebrain]

Your difficult child's therapist reminds me a lot of a therapist my difficult child had when she was a teen. She thought we should move heaven and earth to motivate difficult child. difficult child was so sincere and accomodating with her therapist. Then as soon as she left the office she would do the opposite of whatever she had agreed to do or not do. Her therapist loved to come to "agreements" with difficult child and difficult child loved to break them.

One example of the therapist's great ideas was that my husband should change his work schedule so he could drive difficult child to her middle school since she was often late or just not going. My husband did try this and what happened? difficult child realized she could drag her feet and drive husband nuts. She would not be ready on time, she didn't care that she was making him late for work, etc. It was a great way for her to show us who was really in control and had the power.

I so wish we had changed therapists sooner than we did. She really had this therapist snowed.

--Jane

 

[susiestar]

With the way difficult child acts toward you, I would refuse to take her to equine therapy. What she is getting out of this therapy is seeing you unable to be around the horses because she has a fit. She enjoys this therapy because she knows you are miserable because you are close to something you love and she keeps you from it. She is taking her enjoyment from keeping your nose pressed to the glass, watching her play in the candy store.

What would happen if you made attending this equine therapy contingent on her doing enough chores to earn the fee that you pay for this therapy? Chores she must do properly (to your standards, NOT to standards she decides) and must be done without any grumbling, static or grief. These chores would NOT count toward her weekly duties, those would have to be done before she could do chores to earn $$ to pay for equine anything.

I am willing to bet that she will NOT want ANYTHING to do with horses if it is on HER dime. I would explain to the therapist that if this is really that good for her, and she loves it that much, then surely she would be willing to work for it.


by the way: I went with-o allowance for two YEARS to pay for my riding lessons. I got $4 a week in allowance and had to pay for half the cost of my lessons. I went every two weeks to ride and my half was $8. I did not get ice cream bars at school, go to the local soft serve place or candy store. Once in a while my parents would let me have the change if I went to the local meat market to get something for dinner and I could get candy then. I did not buy lipgloss or other makeup, books, magazines, toys, music, ANYTHING. I wanted to ride THAT MUCH.

If your daughter wants to ride, loves horses as much as she is claiming, she WILL do the chores, do them right, and do them cheerfully or at least with-o giving you grief.

I have a friend here with 10 kids. They all have horses and live on a cattle ranch. they ALL do major chores and only have the horses so they can help move the cattle or ride fences to see if they need to be fixed. yes, they all compete at horse shows, but they earn the $$ that costs with doing chores above their normal and/or with part time jobs off the ranch. NONE of them, not even the now 3rd grader, just gets a horse and only has to take care of it. The youngest child helps with all kinds of things. I cannot fathom any of them trying to tell their mom that she cannot do anything or getting rewards for having a fit.

I hope you are making appts with other tdocs. You really NEED to have one with a clue.

 

[Andy]

I have learned over the years that NOTHING said or done or material items given will EVER motivate a person. That motivation comes from within. If she was truly motivated, you would see something different than the "Just give me what I want" attitude. If she was really motivated, she would have the drive to make it work on her own - the desire to work into it, not just jump to the grand reward. Her motivation would come shiny through. Giving her anything will not pull that motivation out. T-doctor should know that!

Again, I stress to make her responsibility and motivation the focus of this issue with the therapist. If you focus on the inability to pay for this, than in her eyes (and therapist's) the reason she can not have this becomes your doing and she doesn't have to change her ways because your inability to pay is what is stopping her. Tell therapist that it is not fair to a horse to have an owner who is not trained in taking care of it. You just don't give someone a horse who has no ability to care for it. therapist needs to look at difficult child's motivation in this which you have figured out to make your life miserable.

Tell therapist and difficult child that the horses are YOUR hobby and you are not willing to share that time with anyone - you get that as your retreat from home stresses.

difficult child should volunteer at a local animal shelter and prove she can care for dogs and cats before stepping into the horse world. Have her set up a rigid schedule at the animal shelter where she HAS to be there every day as much as possible. See how long she can survive that responsibility which isn't anything near caring for a horse.

 

[Marguerite]

Hang on - isn't motivation something a person has to work towards, to earn? You don't just hand over the reward before they've done anything to earn it... I think that is something the therapist needs to have tapped into HER forehead.

I do think you could offer to share your horseriding hobby with difficult child - but you've been there done that and she threw it back in your face. So DON'T sacrifice your hobby, or your job, in order to placate this brat.

Take it or leave it, kid. Because Mama wants to go ride her horse when she needs to recharge her energy. And crikey, does she ever need to recharge - thanks to the stress of raising you, difficult child.

Marg