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Trying to Clarify My Feelings....Opinions Welcome!
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 359184" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>In my situation, I would put this in writing to the therapist, because it makes it clear, permanently, that you are NOT in the same universe.</p><p></p><p>Dear therapist,</p><p></p><p>I have some difficulties with your most recent recommendation, that we buy difficult child a horse. First - her love of horses is very recent and has been deliberately at the expense of my own obvious, long-term enjoyment of horses. In other words, she has made it clear that she will only be involved with horses, if I am not. This is an infringement of MY rights. I have in the past happily put myself last in my determination to help my daughter. I have now been made to realise this was the wrong things to do, and has been responsible for difficult child to develop an inappropriate sense of entitlement as well as resentment of anything that occupies my energies away from dealing with her wants and desires.</p><p></p><p>Therefore for emotional/psychological reasons, my buying difficult child a horse would be a bad idea, especially if, as difficult child has stated, I must forgo my own involvement and enjoyment of horses, in order for her to participate. I do not feel it is valid for her to set this 'rule' and, in fact, her setting this as a condition tells me volumes about her real motivation - not enjoyment, but dog in the manger to block MY enjoyment.</p><p></p><p>Now to finances. You say it only costs $X to board a horse at ABC and that is very reasonable. It may be, for someone with a sufficiently high income. However, we would be buying food for a horse ahead of buying food for the family. How crazy would we be to be paying for a horse (for an ungrateful teen who has not earned it) when the rest of the family go hungry, without being able to even afford paying their own health care providers, struggling to pay the power bill or the rent? And what does this teach any of the children about priorities?</p><p></p><p>I have been told that it has been my self-sacrifice that could well be at least partly responsible for difficult child's sense of entitlement and resentment of anything I might try to do for myself, even in terms of personal space. Your suggestion would only magnify this.</p><p></p><p>Now, if you can find a way to help this family around these obstacles, then I am ready and waiting to take your practical responses on board. But in your treatment of difficult child, although she is your priority as your patient, please be aware that she is also the member of a family now beggared by difficult child's demands and treatment, and we as a whole need to be taken into consideration as well. No man is an island; no child exists in isolation; this entire family is suffering. Please do not add to it."</p><p></p><p>Then start a search for a therapist with some sense of perspective.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 359184, member: 1991"] In my situation, I would put this in writing to the therapist, because it makes it clear, permanently, that you are NOT in the same universe. Dear therapist, I have some difficulties with your most recent recommendation, that we buy difficult child a horse. First - her love of horses is very recent and has been deliberately at the expense of my own obvious, long-term enjoyment of horses. In other words, she has made it clear that she will only be involved with horses, if I am not. This is an infringement of MY rights. I have in the past happily put myself last in my determination to help my daughter. I have now been made to realise this was the wrong things to do, and has been responsible for difficult child to develop an inappropriate sense of entitlement as well as resentment of anything that occupies my energies away from dealing with her wants and desires. Therefore for emotional/psychological reasons, my buying difficult child a horse would be a bad idea, especially if, as difficult child has stated, I must forgo my own involvement and enjoyment of horses, in order for her to participate. I do not feel it is valid for her to set this 'rule' and, in fact, her setting this as a condition tells me volumes about her real motivation - not enjoyment, but dog in the manger to block MY enjoyment. Now to finances. You say it only costs $X to board a horse at ABC and that is very reasonable. It may be, for someone with a sufficiently high income. However, we would be buying food for a horse ahead of buying food for the family. How crazy would we be to be paying for a horse (for an ungrateful teen who has not earned it) when the rest of the family go hungry, without being able to even afford paying their own health care providers, struggling to pay the power bill or the rent? And what does this teach any of the children about priorities? I have been told that it has been my self-sacrifice that could well be at least partly responsible for difficult child's sense of entitlement and resentment of anything I might try to do for myself, even in terms of personal space. Your suggestion would only magnify this. Now, if you can find a way to help this family around these obstacles, then I am ready and waiting to take your practical responses on board. But in your treatment of difficult child, although she is your priority as your patient, please be aware that she is also the member of a family now beggared by difficult child's demands and treatment, and we as a whole need to be taken into consideration as well. No man is an island; no child exists in isolation; this entire family is suffering. Please do not add to it." Then start a search for a therapist with some sense of perspective. Marg [/QUOTE]
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