Trying to ignore a gnawing panic in my belly...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by hearts and roses, Nov 7, 2007.

  1. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    I'm really just babbling, but comments are welcome.

    difficult child is obviously in strong "like" with Monkeyboy - we know this.

    Monkeyboy makes a hobby out of getting wasted (remember the 40 oz comment) - we know this.

    difficult child just got her license back November 2nd and since none of her friends ever come to our house because they are all losers without licenses or cars or both, she goes to them, which is 15 miiles out of town.

    Her curfew is 11PM weeknights, 1AM weekends. Last night she didn't come home until 1AM; she called me at 12:30 to tell me she was leaving to come home. I was angry. I need my sleep during the week and since that's almost always a difficult task for me on normal nights, I HIGHLY value the measly average 5 hours a night I DO get and at this point I was down to 4hours! She said she had been drinking and didn't want to drive, but now was tanked up on coffee and felt capable.

    You know what? I honestly didn't even give a rat's you-know-what at that point. On the one hand, I am thinking, "Good, lose your license again you little twit!" but on the other I know that then I will be in a position dealing with getting her to and from work and dealing with her depression over being trapped in the house alone because her loser friends can't visit her or take her out! You know, maybe it would be a blessing in disguise. And I don't have to help her get to and from work - she can figure it out. One of the conditions of her coming home from her dad's was that she can't be getting wasted and having that interfere with MY life.

    I am going away next week with easy child for 5 days and now I am truly wondering if I should send her back to her dad's for those days that I'm gone. I worry because she only just got her new job and I don't want to jeopardize that. Even H said he was concerned because difficult child pulls a lot of cr@p when I'm not there. H falls asleep early and difficult child takes advantage of that. on the other hand, maybe it would great for her to suffer his anger and wrath without me there to intervene!

    So, this morning, I woke her up to remind her that she has a job and a family to be responsible to, let alone herself and well being. I reminded her that she JUST got her license back and it would extremely foolish to lose it now over a few beers (likely a 40 oz or two with Monkeyboy) and I reminded her that Monkeyboy knows she's not really supposed to be drinking and if he really cared about her, he would not encourage it! I told her that her time on our insurance is supposed to expire in January but I think it's time she found her own right now, because I don't want her foolishness to ruin our insurance premiums! Today is H's birthday, so I also told her to get her @$$ out of bed and tidy the house & make him a card. And take a shower.

    She's such a twit. I am not ready to throw her out. I'm just not. But I really don't know what else I can do at this point. Anyone?
  2. I'm going crazy!!!

    I'm going crazy!!! New Member

    I don't know what advice I can give you except when it comes to boys alot of the time us silly girls have to learn on our on I just hope she doesn't get too hurt by this life lesson. Just remind her that you are there for her. My prayers are with you and your family.
  3. jbrain

    jbrain Member

    Well, she sounds like my dtr when she came home from her last rehab. She basically got herself kicked out of there because she refused to go along with the program anymore. We let her come home (well, she was 17, not a lot of choice) rather than go to a foster home--she had been court ordered to treatment and was in violation of her probation. But, she convinced us that she was ready to get a job and go to community college. Well, she was pretty good for a few days and then it became apparent that she was not really going to do any of these things and she just wanted to party with friends. She did move out just before her 18th birthday to live with boyfriend.

    I have said it many times on this board--she would not help herself til we quit helping her. As long as we were involved in insisting she get a job, go to school, do volunteer work, etc. she would do nothing--all part of the ODD I think. She did not start taking responsibility til she did not have us to fall back on anymore.

    I think the same may be true of your dtr--she is already breaking your rules. She was so anxious to come back home and yet she is already doing what she wants. I think you are going to have to be very tough on her, she will take a mile if you give her an inch--that's what difficult children do.

  4. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Can't you take the car keys? If she knowingly drove drunk, in fact called you to tell you about it, then she is asking you to do something. Do you really want her to be inviting her loser friends into your house for a "house party" while you are gone for 5 days? Any idea if any of your stuff will still be there, or if you will even be able to press charges for the theft?

    I think she is NOT going to straighten up. What are the odds she is using birth control and STD protection with MonkeyBoy?

    This whole situation sounds scary. At the very LEAST get her off your insurance. And, by the way, you DON"T have to drive her to a job, she could be faced with learning how to live near her job or get work near her home IF she loses the car, the home, etc....

    What is her dad's opinion on all of it??

    Hope things get better soon.

  5. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    If she is drinking and driving...snatch those keys!

    Not only are your insurance premiums at risk, so are you and your house. I wouldnt allow her to drive at all if she is going to be doing DUI's. 18 or not, that sucker would be shredded, her car would be disabled and she would be taken off my insurance policy.

    In NC, you have to show proof of insurance to get a license so she would be hard pressed to get it back here. Dont know if its the same in all states.
  6. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Jo, she is 18.

    Not only is drinking stupid at her age, it is illegal. And for crying out loud, she just got her license back! It's like she is waving her new freedom to drive in everyone's face. "Haha, see what I can do, you can't stop me!"

    Or CAN you? (dun dun duuunnnnn...)

    She lives with you, she has to follow your rules.

    She wants to drink? She just lost rights to the car. The law may say she has a license, but in your house, in YOUR HOME, your law comes first.

    No way in the world would she be allowed out driving after that.

    And yeah, she should go to X-h while you are gone with easy child. In fact, I was starting to feel bad for x-h. Didn't he just buy her a bedroom set right after she moved in with him? And then she moved out right away?

    Maybe she needs to be there longer...
  7. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Yes, I also felt a little bad for exh after all the accommations he made for her. BUT, he was like a lost puppy - he really didn't know how to handle difficult child at all. Not that I do anymore.

    She won't/can't have any parties at our house while I'm gone - H will be there. She will have hours while I'm gone, so she will be working during the day as well. She is mostly all about going out and getting away from the house, so I have no worries about her bringing the losers to my home. And anyway, we don't really have any major valuables to steal, unless you count a 7 year old 27" tv and a 4 year old sound system. I am hiding my car key while I'm gone, so she won't have access to my car either. I was even thinking of parking it at the airport for those few days - it's only $35. But I was thinking at least H could use it while I was gone. I'll figure it out.

    Jane - I hear you loud and clear!

    Janet - she is allowed to use the car for work and only work.

    She just stopped by my work and looked filthy. No shower AGAIN. And she smelled. I sent her back home. I am just totally disappointed.
  8. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Whose car is she driving? I'd make sure she finds some kind of transportation to and from her job (bike, cab, bus) and take the car away ... assuming it's yours.
    That's the first step.
    So sorry. I don't want you to have to worry when you're out of town. That's the pits.
  9. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    The car belongs to difficult child - she bought it 100% with her money. It's an old beater and it only cost her $800. Now that she is working, the deal was she'd give us her portion of insurance money since it's less expensive for her to be on our insurance that buy her own. However, now that she's being a twit, she will have to get her own insurance and pay nearly double what she's paying now. I can't help that - she did it to herself and it's her problem, not mine. Her actions have consequences and she now knows this as I've only said it 100 times, again this morning.

    I will speak with H tonight and decide if she is better off staying with her dad while I'm away - it's just one less thing he (and I) will have to worry about during those measly 5 days. What a pita.
  10. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    I just wanted to re-iterate what Kitty said. I think everything she said is completely right on the money. You need to stop this before it becomes a monster of a problem spinning out of control. It is on the brink, toitering - get tough now - before it goes over the edge. All I can think of is Ant's Mom, and how many DUIs Ant got.......and now he is in prison for a couple of years........terrifying.
    Do your best to try and stop this before it lands your daughter in prison. She is young enough you still have some power, in another year or 2 it will be too late.
  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I didn't even read the other responses because I felt the panic with you. Um, drinking and driving can be fatal to her and others. WHY does she have a car, insurance and a license when she drinks and drives? I took my daughter's license away from her and she had NO use of the car and we never paid for her insurance (she was on drugs). When she turned eighteen her brother bought her a car (not his brightest moment). She got into a horrible accident and it was lucky that nobody was seriously hurt, but she had no car or license again and (gasp) had to WALK to work. She got sober over the course of the next few years while living in the basement of her compassionate brother who had a large house and a special affinity for her. In your position, the girl wouldn't drive. Not under my roof. Not in my car. Not on my insurance. Walking and riding a bike is great exercise. AND I'd NEVER EVER EVER even consider letting her earn that privilege back if she drove to visit loser friends. JMO
  12. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Oh, yeah.
    Don't leave her alone for one day. We tried that and came home early. Daughter was shocked. She was having a drug party with her friends.
  13. 'Chelle

    'Chelle Active Member

    I would suggest you check your insurance coverage, and get her off it ASAP. DUI may void your insurance coverages. If she is drinking and has an accident, that is usually NOT covered under insurance. Or, if she has an accident involving someone else, and they are hurt, sue etc. etc., your insurance company may pay them out and you have to pay your insurance company back. This could cost your your savings, home, anything you have of value. That's how it works here, a man my mom knew had a DUI accident where he injured someone, and had a debt to the insurance company of a couple hundred thousand.

    There's not much we can do to stop them from their bad choices, they have to do that themselves. Don't risk everything you've worked for on her bad choices. While she's on your insurance, you do have the right to say whether she drives when there might be drinking involved.
  14. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    I know you're not ready to throw her out (and I understand that), but at 18 living at home is a privilege not a right. It's only been a couple of weeks since she was so desperate to come home and she's breaking the rules already.

    As long as she is on your insurance, I would not let her drive. Period. Too many risks.

    I thought I read on the teen or pe board that you were going to have her sign a contract when she came home. What kinds of things did it spell out and what are the repercussions if she doesn't play by the rules?

    There are lots of things you can do without throwing her out. Noone said living at home had to be cushy.

    Oh...and I would send her to exH while you're gone. No sense in you spending all of your time worrying about what she's up to.

    Sorry she's back to her old ways so quickly. I know how frustrating this must be for you.

  15. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Jo, sounds like you've got it under control, taking her off your insurance. It's a good natural consequence.
    Good luck with-your discussion with-H. I've got my fingers crossed for all of you.
    I'm sending strength and wisdom through the DSL.
  16. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Well, we took away her keys for now. I'm helping her find her own insurance. We had a sit down discussion and hopefully she will "snap to it". H does not want to send her to her dad's while I'm gone. He feels that everything will be fine and that she will be respectful of her. Also, he doesn't want that to become a routine (we go away, she goes to dads). Part of being an adult and being responsible to both herself and us (and our home) means going through her mom's absence and KNOWING the difference between right and wrong and making the right choices for herself. That is H's stance on this. So, I will take my car with me to the airport and park it there. easy child's car will be home for H's use, difficult child doesn't have a key and it's standard anyway and she's a little rusty on standards since she totaled hers last May!

    I also had to have a chat with her about Monkeyboy. When I went home last night, she and Monkeyboy were lying on the couch under a blanket. Big No No. We hardly even know this kid and it makes everyone feel uncomfortable for them to be lying under a blanket with each other on our couch. We have a small house; it's not like they are in private. I had to ask her twice to get up and sit up. Monekyboy, I could see, thought it was all very humorous. We were all in the kitchen wishing H a happy birthday and Monkeyboy is sitting in the other room by himself. I went in there and STRONGLY invited him into the kitchen....I mean, if he's going to be here, he will be expected to hang with the family! Why are these kids so clueless?? And difficult child looked at me and I stared her down. She didn't roll her eyes like I knew she was going to. Tough noogies.

    So, she hasn't completely gone off the deep end and I think we caught it in time - for now. Thanks for your support, as always.
  17. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    I have to keep reminding myself that your legal drinking age is 21. Ours is 18.

    That said, our kids can get their drivers licenses at 17 (after notching up 100 hours of supervised driving plus passing a stringent exam, written and practical) but may not have ANY alcohol in their bodies while driving for their first year. The second year the limit is something like 0.01%, a nip of cough medicine can put you over. And we have cops everywhere, especially late at night. They are introducing curfews so kids can't drive after 10 pm without a certified good reason (working shift work is a reason, but you must PROVE you just came off shift). And no more than one, adult, passenger.

    husband told our kids - you drive with alcohol in your system, you will never drive one of my cars again. Not ever. Not even when you're fifty. This applied when they were learning as well as on their provisional licence (two years of P).

    Coffee to sober up - a dangerous myth. You pour coffee into a drunk and all you get is a wide-awake drunk. It takes time and the liver to clean the alcohol out of the bloodstream. And now, it has to clear caffeine as well.

    There has been some research released only a week or so ago, saying that mixing alcohol with energy drinks or caffeine drinks is really bad - it makes the kids feel less affected so they can drink more, but kids doing this are twice as likely to end up in hospital, twice as likely to have an accident. Twice as likely to die from acute alcohol poisoning. It was on our TV here today as a warning - we're getting our graduation parties happening NOW, they were warning against unscrupulous venues which allow graduation parties to be booked and let the kids drink and do drugs.

    Her relationship with Monkeyboy - she has wheels, she is independent, she will see him if she wants to. He wanted to see her enough to make the trip to your place. Be fairly sure that they ARE having sex. And without necessarily being careful.

    We tried the prevention thing - because we're so far out of town with no public transport after dark, our kids' friends have always slept over. However, we did our best to supervise and stay up until after they went to bed. Then we found our girls trying to sneak out of bed to be with their boyfriend. At first we simply took turns standing guard, but eventually we realised this was silly - we had spent the first decade and a half of their lives (more) in giving them our moral standards and teaching them common sense - we had done all we could. We gave them a long talk, told them that we knew they were sleeping with boyfriend and if they wanted the fun of being sexually active, they had to embrace the responsibility. I dragged each girl off for a Pap smear and the Pill. I also took them shopping for condoms in the supermarket. It's really fun to embarrass your kids by asking them loudly, "Do you want the banana-flavoured ones, or the chocolate? I recommend you avoid the banana - it's very chemical, uses amyl acetate..." [I remembered that from making esters in science class at school] "...or ribbed or unribbed? Oh heck, I'll just buy several packets of each, whatever you kids don't want, husband & I can play with them."

    It takes all the fun out of it for them. A lot of fun for me, though!

    But seriously, it made a difference. Sure, the kids were still sleeping with their partners (except difficult child 1) but they weren't promiscuous and they now talk to me about any related health problems, because I smashed the barriers. And the warning we gave easy child 2/difficult child 2 about her first boyfriend (that he wasn't emotionally ready for a sexual relationship, and she would hurt him badly) turned out to be true (sadly).

    But simply trying to play security guard and pretending it's not happening - they will instead be at it like rabbits and will be practising deceit, constantly. And this deceit then spills over into other areas of her life and your relationship with her. Very bad, especially if she's being irresponsible in other areas.

    I'm not thrilled my daughters have chosen to live in a sexual relationship so young. But I have had to accept it's their choice, and if I want to keep them safe and talking with us, we need to live with this choice they've made. At least they don't go skulking off into the bushes.

    I'm glad you're pushing your daughter to get her own insurance. I would also give her a lecture about the dangers of caffeine plus alcohol. And until she stops drinking heavily, ban driving altogether (if you can). Because a heavy drinking session can still leave high enough levels in her blood the next day, to get booked.

    Good luck with this one, it's difficult.

    And good for you, getting Monkeyboy involved in a family celebration. If difficult child says it was wrong to do so, then ask her if this means she really has no long-term plans for her relationship with him. And if this is the case, then why sleep with him now? Or even encourage him as she clearly is doing? Not fair on the guy, to lead him on.

    SHE can't have it both ways.

  18. Star*

    Star* call 911

    but on the other I know that then I will be in a position dealing with getting her to and from work and dealing with her depression over being trapped in the house alone because her loser friends can't visit her or take her out! You know, maybe it would be a blessing in disguise. And I don't have to help her get to and from work - she can figure it out. One of the conditions of her coming home from her dad's was that she can't be getting wasted and having that interfere with MY life.
    Uh Huh......

    And just WHEN do you WANT her to start growing up and having independent living skills? 22?

    She's out of high school and sponging off of you, drinking and driving and while on one hand you 'think' cutting her out of a vehicle, insurance etc would come back to bite you - if you continue to allow her to have these behaviors you are prolonging the inevitable. - Cancel her D(*& insurance, tell her to pay for it herself. Tell her that you spoke with your agent and he knows she's drinking and driving (Hyped up on coffee is still just drunk with a coffee buzz)
    Tell her how she gets back and forth to work is HER problem, take the bus - getting the bus routes and fares are HER problem too.

    She has a job? She likes the money? Good - tell her to keep it or she's out and can go live with her "friends" and see how long it takes for her to call them up in the middle of the night and say "Im drunk - but I'm driving your car on your insurance - okay?" Oh you have to get up at 5 - ??? Yeah - and I'm to get my stuff out of your house tomorrow? - THey aren't going to put up with her crapanaggins either.

    ANd as far as having to ask her to clean house - I would lay down the law - she's left herself WIDE open for YOUR wrath and I would get some cleaning out of her. WRite it out, sit her down, explain life as it is going to be for her - or tell her to hit the road.

    If she kills someone driving home drunk - she's REALLY going to be depressed then isn't she? And what then? been there done that threw her out~

    No regrets.

  19. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I agree from experience with those who say to be tough on her. First off, why is Monekyboy in the house? I wouldn't allow him there, especially if he and your daughter are under the covers in your home. How disrespectful! She can date him, but you don't have to allow him over. I sure wouldn't. When my drugged out daughter brought home a boy with a shaved head and skull on his arm (and glazed eyes) and introduced him as her boyfriend, I told her, after he'd left, that he wouldn't be welcome over again. He raided half the food in our refrigerator when he was over and cussed a lot. Why should I have him in my house? Why should you have Monkeyboy in yours? Because daughter will get mad? So what?
    I wouldn't help your daughter get ANY insurance. She was already in an accident? My daughter was in THREE accidents. Somebody sued her and three years later, after she'd been clean for a couple years, she had to fork out $7,000 to the woman whose car she'd plowed into while drunk. Her father lent her SOME of the money, but she has to pay him back every month, and the only reason he helped her is because she truly is clean, productive, and very respectful now (and remorseful of her drug days). Trust me, in one of the accidents, daughter was lucky she wasn't killed. You are putting your daughter at risk by in any way helping her drive.
    Lastly, I don't care if she's eighteen or thirty-eight. She's not acting responsible and I so disagree with H. He expects her to know right from wrong and make good choices? She knows right from wrong, but you KNOW she isn't a place where she will make good choices, and this is a set up for failure for her and for the entire family. Mentally, she is much younger than eighteen and she's not very stable. Trust me, I've been there and done that. Only after I truly did have to make daughter leave, due to continued drug use and unwillingness to change, that she took stock of her life and DID change ALL for the better. She didn't drive for three years after she moved out, but she managed to get a job and walk to work and now she drives and hasn't gotten a ticket for a few years. Sometimes our soft hearts are the worst things for our kids. I know I cried a lot, but I truly could see she wasn't putting forth any effort to give up her self-destructive life and I refused to help her destroy herself. Yeah, she thought I was mean, but we are best friends now.
    I wish you luck. I know how hard this is.
  20. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    I know I may have sounded soft re Monkeyboy, because I let my daughters bring their live-in BFs home, but THEY respect me. I have had to ban certain friends of my kids from our home, although I lifted the ban a few years later when they lifted their game. The kids and the live in BFs help out as well, doing chores (even the BFs). So if you can make Monkeyboy get involved and follow your house rules, then maybe let him stay. But this is YOUR decision, not difficult child's. It's YOUR home, it's only hers until she's an adult. And in Australia, 18 is an adult. After that they're on sufferance. And it always should be about YOUR rules, "my way or the highway". You can always be nice about it (as a flatmate would), as long as she doesn't take advantage of you, which I think she is doing at the moment. H not being on the same page doesn't help, it's sending her mixed messages. Ask him how he would feel being asked to raise a grandchild, now, perhaps one with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS) or drug dependency? Because if H doesn't get with the program, that could be your fate. Or is H someone who doesn't also pull his weight around the home? You may need to have a family meeting to lay some new rules. Talk with H privately first, see what you can both agree to, then as a team work with difficult child. And whatever rules you make, you both must enforce them.

    A lot of what MWM and Star have said also is about teaching her to be independent. Star is right - how can difficult child live with others, if she can't even behave with you?

    As our kids reached "that difficult age" we moved from a parental position to one of 'flatmate with name on the lease'. They have to pitch in with cooking, washing up, sorting the laundry, playing chauffeur, helping with shopping. So do we - we don't let them think they are slave labour, this is a collective. The boys also work in the garden weeding. Sometimes I put on an incentive - I pay a bit extra to difficult child 3's pocket money, or I buy the older boys a beer or cider for hard work and mowing lawns. When doing these chores we try to work as a team, one family pitching in together.

    Our kids have been raised to tell us where they are going and when they will be back AND TO STICK TO IT unless they call. This isn't a control thing, it's common courtesy. When you are sharing a flat you must do the same thing, purely so meals etc can be organised. "I'm going to Jack's place, not sure when I'll be back so I'll get my own dinner. But I plan on being back by 11pm, because I'm working tomorrow."

    I don't know what it's like in the US, but in Australia if we're going camping overnight we are expected to let people know when we're leaving and when we get back. We're also supposed to check in when we get back. Again, a courtesy thing. If a fire breaks out then people know there's someone to be rescued; or if we're back early, they know to not worry.

    Airline pilots are expected to file flight plans. This isn't to exert control over them, or to limit their fun - it's to keep EVERYONE safe and for everyone in the air to work as a team. It's simply sound practice.

    I left home when I was 17, to go to uni. I knew how to cook, to sew, to use a washing machine, but I had been so sheltered I didn't know how to keep myself safe or how to live with people. I was ripped off a few times, nearly raped a few times, homeless a few times, sick a lot of the time. But I learnt fast. I also learned that when you live with someone who isn't family, they will put up with a lot less than family would. They also don't have their own standards of behaviour as high as your parents'. Other flatmates can be just as difficult child and when you get angry, there's not much you can do about it but live with it. At one stage I was sharing a house with four blokes (each with own room) and found myself expected to clean up after them. I had to find my own way to deal with that; I couldn't run home to mummy, my parents were hundreds of miles away. I learnt a lot about people then, not all of it good.

    But I had begun with certain skills and manners, I was a easy child. How, then, can a difficult child cope, unless we help them learn?

    Our kids now - being difficult child, they are taking longer to learn. But learn they must. They are made to do their own tax returns, although husband will site beside them to help. difficult child 1 & easy child 2/difficult child 2 now have their own health insurance and now much pay for their own medications - husband has taught them how to do Internet banking and I am teaching them how to process their health care claims. They still have a way to go, we still need to gently nag and support a lot (I nag by saying, "Do it now, while I am here to help you"). But they are getting there. We get fewer panics.

    When difficult child 1 had left school and had to enrol in a weekend college course, I knew he'd never manage alone. SO I rounded up his difficult child Aspie mate who had never finished school and bullied him into enrolling as well. Both on pensions, so for both the fees were zero.
    But I had to literally hold their hands and talk them both through every little step. I was parenting both, steering them to the next room which needed more pieces of paper filled in, etc. If I hadn't been there, they would have walked out. But if I had done it all for them, they would have walked out of the course, not feeling they had any emotional investment in it. But after sweating about it and getting anxious about enrolling, they finally felt some ownership of the course and a strong desire to do well. They ended up competing with each other to see who could get the best marks!

    They both gained a lot of skills by doing this course; not all the skills course-related. difficult child 1 had to travel there by train and it was in the centre of Sydney CBD, a confusing and scary place. Slowly he learned his way around, walking with his friend before and after class to shops nearby that they liked. Together they felt confident.

    Now difficult child 1 is semi-independent. His friend, even more so. Both can only do a lot of their stuff because their respective GFs help them (co-dependence in the extreme) but it all builds to capability and independence. Each success is a bonus and they build.

    The best gift you can give your children is to raise them to be happy, independent and functioning members of society. Simply aiming to be happy, no matter what you do to other people, and forgetting about being productive or useful - that's Paris Hilton. And you can only do that if you have bucketloads of money.

    Not easy, but vitally important.

    Good luck. Steel-capped boots time.