trying to keep head in control

[klmno]

OK, here's the situation. I'm attracted to someone- A LOT. But, in a way, it's someone who I shouldn't be attracted to and they shouldn't be attracted to me, in a way. I have very limited contact with this person and there is always someone else around. This third person seemed to notice once that there was "something" between me and the object of my thoughts and asked a lot of questions about what was going on. There is/was nothing going on except that it probably became noticable that I was very attracted. My object of thoughts (OOT) was looking at me a lot and seemed interested in some ways, but seemed to just be going on about their business in others. I tried to answer the questions from the third person in a way that hid everything and probably sent mixed messages to the OOT as a result. The last time I saw the OOT, we spent some time just looking at each other. The third person noticed this but didn't say anything. I'm not in a good position to contact the OOT and the OOT could get into trouble if they contacted me, if I was the type to get them into trouble. There has been no inappropriate contact to date. The OOT did asked to keep my contact info but that was months ago and I haven't gotten any contact. My head tells me to forget this. My heart keeps telling me that there might be a mutual interest in just getting to know each other, but I don't see that there's anything I can do. This makes me feel like I'm a youngster again, LOL! How can I make myself get past this? I keep telling myself that the ball is in the OOT's court, but then I know that the OOT probably wouldn't be comfortable making a move for us to be alone and have time to talk since I sent such mixed messages. This is very frustrating!!

Oh- it's been a long time since I've been really attracted to someone or been in a relationship so I don't wan to make an arse out of myself and read too much into anything or go nuts over someone. But I have no doubt that this person was spending some time keeping an eye on me, too. I just can't be sure if that was due to any kind of personal interest or not. My head tells me that if it was a personl interest, the OOT would have contacted me already, right?

 

[JJJ]

Huh???

Sorry klmno, you've lost me LOL

 

[everywoman]

I am assuming this is a work situation---Is this person a superior? Are you this person's superior? Can you undo the mixed messages? Do you even want to? I know that you are probably really lonely with difficult child gone. You have a lot of time on your hands. Is there a way to set up a group dinner/night out with this person involved. Away from the "situation" you may be able to better read if there is interest before you put yourself out there.

 

[klmno]

Do you even want to?

Yes, I just don't want to get my arse on the line or get this other person in a jamb.

I know that you are probably really lonely with difficult child gone.

It started long before difficult child was incarcerated.

Is there a way to set up a group dinner/night out with this person involved.

No, but OMG how I wish!!

 

[witzend]

OK, are we talking about a teacher, or a co-worker? If that's not it I'm moving on to ex-boyfriend, then first cousin, and going down hill from there.

It's hard to answer without more details, but I'm all for cautious optimism. You'll never know if you don't pursue it. I'm a big believer in "the worst that can happen is someone will say no."

Hope that helps...

 

[klmno]

Well I don't want to post that info on a public forum due to the situation. What my head is telling me is different than what I want- I'm trying hard here, LOL! I don't even know when I'll see this person again. I'm trying to accept "whatever will be, will be", but darn I don't want to leave a potential friendship (if nothing else) if there is potential for more there.

PS- no, it's not a family member - thank God!!

 

[JJJ]

Next time you see this person, at the end of the conversation, maybe just spur of the moment see if they want to grab a Starbucks? Quick, easy, friendly, no "committment" of even a meal, just a chance to talk.

 

[DammitJanet]

Well Im gonna go out on a limb here and say if this OOT isnt the judge, lawyer, PO, GAL, therapist or psychiatrist.....then go for it! An offer of starbucks seems innocent enough.

 

[amazeofgrace]

ugh I need a cup of joe to tackle this one, BRB, LOL

of course i am in a boys stink mode for the rest of my life..

 

[mrscatinthehat]

I like the idea of a cup o coffee. Nice and innocuous. Good luck with whatever you do.

beth

 

[hearts and roses]

I agree, ask OOT if he'd like to go out for a cup of coffee. It may provide you both the opportunity to see if you're on safe ground and if either of you wish to pursue it further. Good luck! It sounds very intriuging...like the start of a fascinating love story, if you ask me! But I'm a romantic at heart.

 

[klmno]

Thanks all! If I have a chance to ask for a short time over a cup of coffee, I will. I might just have to push this one out of my miind though! Sometimes the situation just doesn't lend itself to pursuing anything at all. That might really be for the best in the long run- it just doesn't make it any easier right now. LOL!

 

[muttmeister]

OK, I am probably one of the most unromantic people on the face of the earth so maybe I shouldn't post my thoughts here BUT you know I can never keep my mouth shut. (or my fingers from typing) My thought is this: if this is something that is going to cause huge problems for one or both of you, take a cold shower, put him out of your mind, and go do some volunteer work or something useful.

JUst my opinion.

 

[Star*]

Hi klmno -

I am not a hopeless or hapless romantic. So here's my take on exactly what you wrote.

In one of your first sentences you say that you are attracted to someone a lot. No harm in being attracted to someone unless you start standing outside their home at midnight - attractions make us feel alive and wanted. Those are TWO VERY POWERFUL emotions.

HOWEVER - you go on to say twice that it's [the attraction] "In a way" that you shouldn't be attracted to them, and them to you. What I see there is that you already know this is a no - but you're digging deep for excuses to make it OKAY in your mind for whatever the reason is. Tabu is an even MORE powerful emotion. Tabu is like hunt and conquer in that you and this person should NOT be attracted to but "what if you could....get them?" For some women it's the hunt -for some women it's being "won" like a prize.

IT's OKAY to be attracted to anyone - it's NOT (in my humble opinion) okay to pursue someone in a marriage, relationship, or if you KNOW that the relationship could never work out for a number of reasons. I don't think those types of relationships are lasting because

If a person will step outside of a relationship while with someone else? More than likely they will do it to you as well later on. I always ALWAYS had the last laugh with my x and his "trolley of trolls" each one would always think it was lasting - and he would dump them and go on to the next "hunt/conquest" and the one left was always so sad that he dumped her for another woman when he was married. Skewed logic at it's best.

A person who is worthy of you would tell the other person in their life - "I've met someone, I'm attracted, and I want to pursue this so I'm saying good bye to you." THEN and ONLY THEN go for it. That type of person doing those steps tells me a.) I like the person I'm with and don't want to hurt them and out of respect for the time we've been together - I need to break it off. and b. if they're honorable/honest with the person they are with - it's more likely they will be honorable in a relationship with you - OR should you ever get to have a relationship with this person - they would give YOU the same respect if they ever met someone or would at the least expect this behavior out of you in regards to their feelings.

That doesn't matter if it's a man/woman, woman/woman, or friend/friend. Respect is respect. Tabu is fun - but in the end a lot of people get hurt.

You then say "It probably became OBVIOUS I was attracted." and a third person made a mention. Well, so what? Someone saw that you thought someone else was attractive. Great - have fun flirting - but why would you put yourself in a position with someone who is unavailable - because someone said "I saw that look you got." - I don't think your third party had YOUR best interest at heart - or your heart at the best of interests.

And lastly - you say that this person took your number, but can't contact you for professional reasons???? WHAT THE HECK IS UP WITH THAT? Either they CAN see you - or they CAN'T because they'll what? Then you tell us that this person TOOK your number but hasn't called. But you just said that this person can't contact you for professional reasons - but took your number....and see where this is dog chases tail hon? WOW......

I think you need a boost - I think you need a day spa/treatment - with a set of new clothes, and a facial, and new makeup, and a haircut - and a little perfume - and then find a place where you can enjoy showing yourself off and getting a little attention - flirting- even if it's BAD flirting - you can still go home alone....Know what I mean??

You need a self-esteem boost. - So here ya go.......

You're an intelligent, beautiful person,
You're a funny, charming woman who deserves to be pampered and loved.
YOU are a person who should NEVER again be abused by a relationship that doesn't care about your best interests from the start. There are plenty of other people out there like you - who ----are looking for the same thing you are - and ARE available.

But - you won't find them - sitting in your house - frumpy, eating Ben and Jerry Cherry Garcia, feeling horrible over your sons recent incarceration, and wishing for things that would be better suited in a day dream /romance novela.

YOU ARE WOMAN HEAR YOU ROAR - or purr softly.

And as my final thought - NO - this person is NOT going to call. MOVE ON. My question to you is WHY would you want someone that couldn't give you everything back that you have to give? Love, Trust, Kindness, Honesty, Appreciation, Caring, and Freedom.

Hugs - been there done that toooooooo many times to not know what I'm talking about.

 

[klmno]

Wow!! Actuaklly, I'm not positive that it would cause major problems, but I'm definitely not going to be agressive about anything. I'm not in a position to anyway. There isn't anything wrong with getting to know each other- you know how sometimes you feel an attraction and it really just becomes a friendship? But even that might never happen. Thanks for everyone's thoughts on this- it helps keep me grounded!! I don't want anyone thinking it's going quite so far as a serious relationship though- as Star says, that might never be any desire for any communication at all from the other person.

That being said, I will move in the direction of just accepting that nothing "big" is going to come from this- and if we see each other and smile or whatever, it's nothing to get to excited about. LOL!

 

[Hound dog]

Personal experience.

*NOTE* I am NOT a romantic, in any form.

I met a really nice guy years ago when husband and I were seperated. Didn't hurt that he was also drop dead gorgious. We went for coffee before the movie we were to see. But we never made it to the movie. Never made it out of the coffee shop. We sat there and talked for about 12 hours!!!

From the first sentence.....I swear to God it was as if we'd known each other forever. And if there is such a thing as soul mates........Yeah. I think this guy was it.

But being the often idiot that I can be........I listened to my head instead of my heart. I have a strict code of morals I live by. And although husband and I were in the process of a divorce....according to my own morals and in my own mind......I was cheating on him.

So......I wouldn't go out with the guy again. Eventually, he gave up. I truly wish he hadn't.

Saw him a few years ago. He'd met a nice woman and gotten married. We visited a while. He was happy. Good for him. But yeah, the spark was so still there. But neither of us would dream of acting on it.

So if you asking this guy to coffee, or letting him know how you feel isn't going to hurt anyone........Go for it.

 

[Steely]

Ummm......I am just the kinda person that would take a risk if I was this deeply attracted to someone. I mean, you only live once. And it is relatively rare that 2 people have such a mutual, instantaneous attraction - so perhaps you need to seize the moment.

He/she is probably not contacting you because you said they could get in trouble. In this day and age, people cannot afford to get fired. Therefore, the onus falls on you to contact this person if you are truly interested.

I say go for it girl - take the initiative to make yourself happy.
(Of course I say this, not knowing the details of this situation.)

 

[klmno]

Thanks Lisa and Steely!! I'm playing it by ear for a bit. It would be nice to know if there really was any interest or if I read too much into things, even if a relationship can't/isn't pursued further. (Maybe that's remnants of an ego talking- LOL!!- or, just a warrior mom who's spent way too much time worried about that fine line of dellusion.)

 

[daralex]

It just seems to me that you did make the first move buy giving OOT your contact info. If nothing else, look upon the situation as pleasing eye candy and then take a cold shower! If you need to get it out of your head then tell yourself OOT's probably a jerk deep down or a really bad lover!!