Trying to make a plaln for difficult child is proving to be more than difficult

[rejectedmom]

As I mentioned in another thread I have been thinking alot lately.

About my difficult child. He is in prison so we do not talk by phone but we do write and husband goes to see him and as you know I still advocate for him. I worry about the inevitable time when I am not able to do those things for him. I sadly think that will be his rock bottom, ie. death, unless we can find something that works for his anger issues and his substance abuse. Like a child praying for a miracle, I hope against all odds that there will be some new treatment that will manage all his problems before I leave this planet.

difficult child is unique and I get that. We helped our other son when he had his breakdown which was compounded by alcohol abuse and he is doing well. easy child/difficult child had a combination of inpatient, anti-craving medication, anti-psycotic medication and therapy and AA. He has been sober for over a year now and claims to never crave the stuff. He no longer goes to AA and I was concerned at first but his brain works differently being an Aspie and he is doing well so I let it go. My brother who is Aspie-like was the same way as easy child/difficult child in that once the consequences were high he stopped and although he attended AA at first eventually he didn't need the AA meetings. He is sober almost ten years now. So I no longer think of AA as the only means of maintaining sobriety for everyone.

But my difficult child, I am at a loss to help. I don't even know what might work. I know what didn't work in the past that is all. I am always reading, looking for information and watching what works for others. I haven't hit upon the thing that will make a huge difference for my difficult child yet.

Right now I am trying to convince husband to step back in financially and send difficult child to one more program when he gets out. I desparetly want to see difficult child happy and healthy and living a decent life outside of prison. Getting his issues addressed properly is the only way that can happen. husband wants this too but all the failed attempts and treatments make husband wary of investing anymore money into treatments.

Call me crazy but I want to take difficult child out to the beach and live there with him. I want him to access a quiet part of his brain that has been unavailable to him his entire life. I thought if I could get him into meditation and physical exercise like yoga along with the proper medications and behavior modifications maybe it would work. I have always wanted to do this but his life as a child was filled with tutors, doctors, therapies, operations etc. There was little time to teach him yoga and meditation nor do I think he would have been at all receptive back then.

husband is afraid to have difficult child living with me. The fear is that difficult child will go into a rage and harm me again or start stealing from us again. So he said no to my plan. So I am now looking for a program similiar to what I would have done for difficult child. The problem is that he has no insurance and he can no longer be on ours so it will be out of pocket and can't be too expensive. I really would like to send him where easy child/difficult child went but that was over 10,000/month and difficult child would need at least three months, probaply more. I am not sure I can get husband onboard for that much money. We would have to morgage our home and that is counter to our retirement plans. Sigh.

I have hooked difficult child up to so many IOP programs and also to 3 different residential programs in the last 6 years. I think I have exhausted all the subsidized programs available to him. I know difficult child would love to come home to us when he gets out. He has lost years of living at home that he morns. I thought I could at least fix that for him but I do not know that he won't go right back to his ways and as I mentioned husband is totally against it. So I am at a loss as to what I can do to help difficult child get a good start when he gets out. -RM

 

[toughlovin]

Hi RM,

It is a tough place to be and obviously you love and want to help your difficult child. I think though that he figure out what he wants to do and how to do it, and then let him ask you for help and you and husband can decide what you are willing to do. You really cant solve this for him and it sounds like that is what you are trying to do. I understand that as I have also done that a lot with my gig... but really what does your difficult child want? Is there any family program or help from the prison. I know the prison near where I live has a program that works with the families and i believe helps inmates figure out whats next after incarceration. I suggest you find out if there is anything like that at the prison he is at....and maybe find out if there is someone there who will help him figure out what to do next. I think our adult sons do better if they start figuring things out on their own, with good guidance from others who are not their mothers. And let us just love them.

I know this is all way easier said than done.

TL

 

[rejectedmom]

difficult child is incarcerated in another state but I believe he has to return to mine for another minor offence when he is done there. There isn't a program like you mention here. I know that because we have had him in prison here in the past. difficult child's low intelligence and learning disabilities makes it very difficult for him to get anything set up on his own. Plus he has no access to a telephone while in prison to do that and has to rely on the social worker there who is a staff of one and expects difficult child to do it all with little direction or resources been there done that.

I have always helped difficult child get into a program or hooked him up with a case manager who did the work for me (with the exception of the last two times). Navigating the system is not something difficult child can do on his own. So when left to his own without supports, he had no services in place, not even health insurance. That is why I help . When I am gone he will have no one that really cares about him and is also willing to help him. His siblings are too traumatized by his past to step in and take over. And like everyone here I want my difficult child to be settled.

When difficult child gets out of prison he is physically sober. I think what happens in those first couple of weeks are vital to his success on the outside. We have already tried not intervening. It was a disaster and someone got hurt. I believe we need to try a different approach.

difficult child is only a threat if using. He actually has a genuine desire to do well. He is however easily overwhelmed and the programs we have tried are never a good fit for his many problems. The ones that give him all the services he needs as an vunerable adult, tend to be filled with severly disabled clients most of whom have low intelligence and/ or physical disabilities far greater than difficult child's. He never feels like he belongs there and that has proven to be a problem because he ends up skipping workshops and hanging with street punks and various low lifes and he is sucked right back into alcolol, self loathing and defeat. It is a moot point anyway since the programs that worked with him in the past said they wouldn't take him back in until he proves he is stable..

Add in his criminal record and the difficulty in finding employment and failure is almost guaranteed. For these reasons and many more, I now think it is probably unrealistic to expect him to find his own way. He is 25, he has tried, and he has failed repeatedly.

I can see how this might look like I want to fix him. But I know I can't do that. What I want to do is give him better coping tools and strategies so he doesn't hurt himself or others in the future. Tools that are soft in nature and can't be used in ways that are not to his advantage. Hence the idea of yoga (not weightlifting or karate) and Meditation. Physical outlets for stress coupled with learned reflection. I am not going to force it on him just offering it up as another avenue to explore.

I got a letter from him today he says he wants to go to a Residential treatment facility and then to sober living facility and he wants to stay on his medications. He says that they seem to be working this time and he is feeling pretty good. (prozac and Lamicil I think.) -RM

 

[Kathy813]

RM, how much longer will your difficult child be in prison? The Affordable Care Act goes fully into effect in 2014 and your difficult child should be eligible for health care at a subsidized cost. Maybe then you can find a residential treatment program for him that will be covered by insurance.

I understand your desire to help your difficult child but I also understand why your husband does not like your plan of being alone with him. You say he is not dangerous if he is sober but we all know there is no guarantee that any of our difficult child's will stay clean and sober. I would hate for you to find out the hard way that he has relapsed.

{{{Hugs}}}

~Kathy

 

[rejectedmom]

Kathy we do not know yet how long he will be in. It is possible that it will be as much as 5 years but it is also possible he will have his parole reinstated and be out very soon. I will know more after his review in a few weeks. I had gotten him medicaide here in my state and also food stamps and a small subsity and was working on SSI but he moved and then got into trouble and everything was canceled. So we will have to start all over again and it takes at least 6 weeks to get the coverage. That leaves alot of time for things to go downhill.

husband will never agree to me being alone with difficult child . When I had thought up the beach plan I was thinking difficult child would be away for 7 years and by then husband would be retired but if difficult child gets out sooner it really isn't a possiblility. Also if he gets out on reinstated parole (he thinks this is likey but I do not) He will have to stay in the state he is in. PD tells me there is little available in the way of dual diagnosis treatment facilities there for uninsured individuals. I would really like it if difficult child has to stay in jail till the new healthcare plan is in effect. That would help alot. -RM

 

[toughlovin]

RM - I am glad he wrote that he wants a residential treatment and then sober living. I totally get the want and need for you to advocate for him and to help him find appropriate services and programs. I find myself doing that for my difficult child as well.... and it makes sense to me that we do it. I think the improtant thing is that they are involved as much as possible and that we are following to some extent what they want (and if it seems crazy then backing off). They really do need to be the driver of the train, adn we need to be the supportive staff that helps the driver keep the train on track.

TL

 

[rejectedmom]

RM - They really do need to be the driver of the train, adn we need to be the supportive staff that helps the driver keep the train on track. TL

I totally agree. I was not clear in my original post that difficult child had been communicating with me that he needs to change and that he admits to becomming a monster when he drinks. And yes I have heard similar verbage from him in the past but this time there seems to be an urgency in his demenor that was never there before. That along with the fact that husband plans on retiring in a few years and our financial situation will change drastically prompted me to want to get difficult child into a really good multi-disiplinary program that will treat all aspects of his problems. The MI, the addictions, the anger and the adoption issues his lack of impulse control, all of it. My thoughts on the yoga and meditation are because he has never been able to sit still or just relax... not even when he sleeps. He tosses and turns and yells and even sleep walks and eats. It is so sad that he just can't seem to slow his brain down enough to rest let alone be self reflective. I'm not sure he can learn to do this as he has had behavior therapy that tried to address the impulsivity but no eastern techniques have ever been tried. My Daughter is a Yoga instructor and I have practiced it off and on for years. I am also a certified REiki master and meditation instructor so...-RM

Article in yoga journal on use of yoga as a complimentary treatment method for addictions

http://www.yogajournal.com/practice/679

 

[InsaneCdn]

RM... ironically, the lack of quality sleep really multiplies the other issues, too. Maybe you should add "sleep study" to your list... ?

 

[Signorina]

Hi RM...

I hesitate to offer this idea - because it is faith based. I always worry that recommending a religion based resource will offend someone or be seen as proselytizing.And I want you to know that is NOT my intention. I know for a fact that Catholic Charities is dedicated to serving the needs of its communities and their residents regardless of religious, ethnic, or social backgrounds.

Catholic Charities in most cities offers a prison ministry. That ministry includes an assistance program for newly released ex offenders. It's part of the Catholic Corporal Works of Mercy.

I would check with the diocese or the Catholic Charities in the prison's region. Even if they are unable to help you or you prefer more neutral assistance - they office may be able to put you in touch with people or programs or other resources that can help. I know that this aspect of Catholic Charities usually has strong numbers in prison "towns".

I hope this helps - and no offense or attempts at evangelizing meant!

 

[rejectedmom]

Insane, I agree that a sleep study should be done but that too will need to be funded by insurance. In prison they do give him medications to help with his sleep but no doctor on the outside has addressed it any further than medication. i have had sleep study done on myself as has my daughter but they are expensive and if you do not have ins the facility won't even accept you here unless you pay in full in advance.

Sig, I am not offended in any way. I hadn't thought of Catholic charities. I know about the Salvation army's work and difficult child has used them in the past while in prison. I will look into it. -RM