trying to salvage what i have left

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Dadindistress, Oct 28, 2011.

  1. Dadindistress

    Dadindistress New Member

    Hello everyone.
    A little about myself and teem, I have been raising my 16 yo daughter myself since birth (mother is a drug addict). over the 3 years she become more out of control i now have a live in fiance new baby and 3 step daughters, I have tried getting help for my teen, 3 different behavioral health hospitals several different counselors. we currently placed her with friends in a different school district hoping for a new start for her its been 3 weeks and they are sending her back, she refuses to take her medications go to anymore counseling, is there anyway i can force her in to treatment? I feel like im at cross roads if i bring back into this home i'm sure her behavior will rip this family apart, do i bring her home and risk losing my fiance and new daughter or do i keep her away and have to live with the feeling that i didnt do enough.
    daughter has bi-polar,post tram. stress adhd.
  2. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Hi, I am facing far different issues but am here to say you are not alone. You will quickly see there are MANY who have walked this road before you and they will go out of their way to share helpful information. If you create a signature for future posts it will help people follow your story and remember details for future posts. Please check in often, you will be so suprised how supportive this place is.

    Do you have a county worker or anyone to help search out services?

    keeping you in my thoughts...Buddy
  3. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Welcome. Glad you found us but sorry you need to seek us out. I wish I could give you "the answer" but sad to say each of us has our own circumstances and can offer support but not answers. Even though it sound simplistic have you made a list of every option available in writing? Sometimes just writing it down makes it easier to see exactly what choices you have that would be good for her and the rest of the family. Alot depends of previous interventions, placements, professional opinions etc. Meanwhile, tonight, I am just sending supportive thoughts your way. You are in a difficult position. Feel free to vent away here. The CD family is caring and understanding. Hugs. DDD
  4. pepperidge

    pepperidge New Member

    Have you looked into any kind of residential treatment center?
  5. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Hi there... Welcome. I'm truly sorry you had the need to find us, but I'm glad you did... It's been one of the few things to keep me sane.

    My stepdaughter is also 16, bipolar, PTSD... She's currently in a foster home, that we found privately since the courts wouldn't help, and we're awaiting info on a behavioral Residential Treatment Center (RTC). She's blown the foster home. She also refuses medications.

    It depends on where you are, but at age 14 in Ohio, a child can refuse treatment unless they are court-ordered and/or on probation. Has she done anything to be noticed by the juvenile justice system? They might help.

    Another possibility - you can call CPS and ask for help. You have other children in the home, and their safety is important too.

    Since you're new, of course we don't know the whole story.

    When did her behaviors appear? I see that she's been diagnosed, which is helpful to an extent. Anything specific happen that really stands out?

    :hugs: We're here for you.
  6. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    you say she is a devoted animal lover. perhaps you can use that to hang on to her. Can you get her a horse, or if you do not live where you can do that, can you get her a job working with animals, or send her to vet tech school, or be an assistant at a veterinary office??

    putting my son in three different school districts never helped him. He also saw 3 or 4 diff psychiatric groups but was always dismissed for non-compliance. As for medications, I wonder if you can get her to take Omega 3 pills as a dietary supplement-may help her moods. Tell her that all the adults in the family are gonna take it and then do so.

    You do not want to lose your family, including her. I do not think she will comply with treatment unless there is a carrot in there to make her want to do so. For my son, who is now 28, the carrot was his love for his own son. My son went thru a long path to get where he is today and no amount of pushing on my part helped. He got better when I set firm boundaries of what I would and would not put up with from him.

    Since this last try of yours has failed, I would sit her down and tell her that you love her, and want her in the family but she has to act like family too. See if you can use the animal element. She can even get a job walking dogs, or in an animal shelter. I do not think you can force her into treatment.
  7. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Hello! I'm wondering if the real difficult problems started when you started getting serious with your fiance, or if they were there all along. It can be difficult to make everyone transition to a blended family, not that it isn't worth it, but maybe I could make some suggestions if these bigger problems 'appeared' due to this.
  8. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Hi and welcome!

    First off - it sounds like the place you sent her really didn't try very hard. I didn't read through the other responses - but THREE WHOLE WEEKS and everyone sent her back huh? (forgive my sarcasm, but I have undergarments older than three weeks) and you're talking about a kid that is ANGRY, really really angry - and she's not even sure where to direct that anger! I mean her Mother abandoned her, her Dad has to work - and now her Dad has found love and a new kid - and WOW - that's a LOT of anger....a LOT...and add to that mix that there may possibly be some co-morbids of mental illness on top of that (or she could be mis-diagnosed as a BiPolar (BP) and getting incorrect medications for BiPolar (BP) that are making her even more angry) and I say that because if she is NOT really BiPolar (BP) and getting medications for it? WOW - yeah - cocktail for disaster there. Add in a few raging teen hormones and lack of ability for empathy because she's just confused and emo.......and you've got a a time bomb.

    NOT for your lack of excellent job there Dad - I mean there are ONLY so many hours in the day - Lord knows. And you deserve to be happy. Plus what fiance walks into this kind of a mess and goes - OH JOY - I love THIS I want to stay with you!!?? Yeah----well she should. You two are a package deal - and emo girl (your daughter) needs to realize 1.) YOU are not trading her for fiance and her kid 2.) No matter what shennanigans SHEpulls....Fiance isn't running off and leaving YOU....for it to be JUST YOU AND HER AGAINST THE WORLD like it's always been where she can RULE the the house only female. 3.) You dind't ship her that could happen and 4.) ALL of you need to realize this is NOT going to go away and ALL of you need to get into counseling NOW so you can get on the same page and get a game plan, learn the rules of the house, and figure out where you ALL GO TOGETHER from here. PERIOD - no excuses. ALL GO TOGETHER.

    Therapy is going to be the salvation from all the madness here my man. Talk it out----blow the roof off, discuss behind closed doors and work it ! As far as her not taking medications? Well - she's angry. You're angry, fiance is angry.....You got a house full of angry - and the little one? Stressed to the hilt right now. (do NOT get a pet). lol.

    I would start with you and Fiance going to see a therapist and or anger management person and get some strategies going........find out HOW to deal with the daughter and get some effective communication and dialogue going - and find out what ARE good parenting techniques to use for rewards and consequences -and how to NOT loose your cool so that when you WANT to - Which is what she wants you to do and expect you to do? YOU DO NOT and it throws her game off - catches her off guard and YOU win and edge over her.....

    The more edges you win? The better off you gain.....and on and on.....and evenutallyyou start talking ----moving up...then you talk medicine and her come off smarter, win trust.....go from there.

    Honest ------it takes years...not weeks........and it will save her .......and you from a life time of heart ache .......and keep your fiance or not. If she's not on board now? she'll never be....and not worth keeping. All in or all out. Because YOU have to be the constant in the daughters life. You are all she has had from day one.

    Take care -
  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I'm wondering if things got worse when fiance and the k ids moved in. Those are hard changes for a troubled kid. Heck, that is difficult for a "typical" kid. Now she has not only other unrelated kids in the house, but your new child. Think about it...a new fiance (supposed mother figure) and THREE step sisters? Plus YOUR new baby? That in my opinion is just so much to throw at this child. How long ago did this fiance become a part of her life? When did she move in?

    Your daughter's mother has already abandoned drugs. Does she like your fiance or resent her? Does stepmother act as an authority figure? If I were you, I'd tell fiance that you will parent her yourself and that she can be a friend, but not a disciplinarian. No point in making her the evil stepmother. My hub had to be a friend to my kids when we first got married. They did not want to listen to him...they did not consider him their father...they had a father. It worked out a lot better that way. Ex and I parented them and he just was there for them in a friendly way. How does your daughter like having three step sisters? How old are they? How does she feel about the baby?

    It is kind of asking too much in my opinion for friends to take in your disturbed child. in my opinion it was a bad idea and I'm not surprised it didn't work. These kids are too difficult. Residential Treatment Center (RTC) may be the only way to go. Now that there are other children to think about, it isn't good for them to see her acting like she is. Yes, you have to chose between fiance and her kids, unless fiance is very committed, or your children. You can not lose your baby. Fiance has to allow you visitation rights. You can only lose your fiance and her children and that is something you may have to do...or maybe she is loving enough to understand and hang in there. I agree that counseling for all is a must.

    Also, I think it would be a good idea to go to Al-Anon or Narc-Anon to get some great advice from those also in the trenches. You can pick up a lot at those meetings and also get help for yourself.

    I hope things get better. Please keep us posted. We do care.
    Last edited: Nov 4, 2011
  10. I was going to say pretty much what MidwestMom says, only she said it better. I have explosive/anxious teen daughter and blended family. We blended when she was a lot younger but there are still issues, so I can sort of relate. What struck me with your situation is that there is a new live-in girlfriend. New baby. And THREE other daughters who now live with you. So you have 4 other girls and a baby living with you and your daughter.
    In her eyes, it used to be you two as a family unit, and now she is forced out of the family (literally asked to leave her home) that is now filled with other daughters whom you are now parenting. She did not ask for that and probably had no say in the matter.

    You can't give up on her. Her mother already did.
    She has to be a priority in your life, and she has to feel like one.

    Hang in there. Don't give up on her no matter what she says or does. Not at this stage, anyway. She is angry and has an immature teenage brain, so she is going to do and say things that sound like she is making decisions, when really, she is just hurt and angry. ("Do you want to go live with Elsie and Ned and enroll in a new school?" "Fine, whatever.")

    It is hard to have compassion when they act so nasty, but you have to dig down and find it somewhere in you, even when her behavior rocks the whole house. When I say compassion, I don't mean letting her bad behavior slide, but the compassion that makes you keep fighting for her. Remember she is still your little girl. : ) Keep us posted.