Trying to stay strong by emotions are getting the best of me.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by SeaGenieTx, Aug 5, 2015.

  1. SeaGenieTx

    SeaGenieTx Active Member

    Couldn't sleep last night. Kept waking up having anxiety that I'll never see my son again, he will never care about me, I'll die alone. I know it's always worst late at night but even today I've been on the verge of tears all day.

    My son walked out last Friday night, dragging suit case behind him. He was drunk or high, droopy eyes, slurring speech, weaving back and forth. He threw stuff in his suit case and left with his girlfriend to Austin. She is 19 (my son is 23). She lives with her mom who I guess lets them get high all day while she's at work.

    He's been withdrawing all his money and spending it on food, smoke shops (head shops). $100, $200, $300 withdrawals at a time. His inheritance is disappearing fast out of his savings and it kills me that someone who has been given that much money is blowing it fast. "Mom, I'm young and having fun, you should smoke pot so you are not stressed out".

    I'm not stressed out, I'm an adult who is not going to get high and risk a random drug test at work and lose my job. My job is what keeps me sane and my mind off everything.

    Today my boss told me I had 9 days of vacation I needed to use before the end of this month. I don't even want to take that time off because I will be alone. She insisted. I can't tell anyone at work my problems with my son - I don't trust them enough.

    Before the falling out with my son we were going to take a trip to Florida together. Now I don't know if I will hear from him again. He has money, he is staying at his girlfriends (who I'm sure is telling him I'm a horrible mother). They are getting high all day, no responsibilities, going to the river to hang out and probably drinking a lot. Her last three Instagram posts have been of pot (what is the resin used for)? She's holding up a chunk of it and calling it "honey". Her nails are all chipped of polish, her mascara is smeared under her eyes and she's wearing a pentagram necklace. This is who he is in love with. Sheez.

    My mind has been churning. I spent 23 years loving a son and raising him to be a good man. I protected him, stood up for him when teachers called, took him traveling, taught him about life... he was such a great kid until he graduated high school. Jail three times, wrecked the car I gave him, ruined his credit, started disrespecting me, forgot me on Mother's Day and my birthday. I feel totally betrayed. He could care less about me.

    I'm detaching but it hurts so much. I've lost the one thing I love more than life. My husband died when he was 2 months. I was so strong, I kept going and worked, raised my son alone. My mom died when my son was 4, my dad and oldest brother shortly thereafter. The one remaining brother I had lost his job, home, all his money so he drank himself to death.. I got a call at work from the Sheriff's Dept. that he was found dead behind a dumpster. I've survived 5 major deaths, paid for three funerals (which drained my savings). I cannot bear getting a 6th phone call saying "your son passed away". WTF have I done to endure so much punishment in life? I always thought.. at least I have my son... but now he is gone because I kicked him out for being a pothead and failing to launch.

    Sadness, guilt, did I do the right thing? What if he dies and I did this to him? How can he not care about his own mother? A few weeks ago I had hurt my back. I needed to go grocery shopping and I asked him if he'd wait around the house and help bring in the groceries. He said no, he was going out. A month ago my car died on the side of the freeway. I called him to see if he and his friend could come get me. He said no, they were across town.

    At 23 years old my son is the most selfish , immature, ungrateful person I've known. I regret rushing out of work in a panic (three times) to bail him out of jail. I regret sticking up for him all the times his teachers called to tell me he was causing problems in school. I broke up with a guy I was dating because he told me "that kid is going to be trouble".

    I've been thru hell and survived so much tragedy and my son knows it. And he does this with his life knowing full well its killing me. I never dreamed my son would disappoint and betray me like this. Was I too good to him all these years?

    Now that he has his big inheritance payout - he is draining that money on drugs, drug paraphanelia, and other nonsense. I actually thought he'd (for the first time in his life) say "mom, for all you've done for me, let me take you out to dinner for a change!". Nope, instead he bought two black lights, four black light posters, a new bong, t-shirts off the internet and a new $700 iPhone with a $90 waterproof case. And the packages keep coming to my doorstep. - like it's Xmas.

    As a single mom my son never went without a great Xmas or birthday. I took him deep sea fishing, hunting, traveling to the east coast and the west coast - I've been a damn good mom. All for what?

    I know I did the right thing making him leave but its like another death and I'm hurting way more than he is. He is out having a ball blowing wads of cash. So hard to watch since I've struggled all my life and devoted 23 years to raising a son - and he does literally nothing with his life since high school, has gone to jail three times, wrecked the car I gave him, lost his license, sat round doing drugs, sleeping until Noon and then he is handed $36K.

    I tried getting him to save & invest some of it, showed him how to budget it and be careful... he could care less. He's blowing it as fast as he can. And what is worse, he will be given another $30K on his 24th birthday in April. I don't think I'll hear from him for a long time. I'm the bad guy.

    Had to vent - get this off my chest. Thank God for this forum - you people are all I have to talk to about this. I'm adjusting but I love my son and miss who he used to be before drugs changed him.
     
  2. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Hi SeaGenie,
    I am so sorry for all that you have endured. I'm sorry that your son does not realize what a blessing you are.
    I'm sorry you are having to deal with this.

    Detaching is not easy but necessary for our survival.

    Okay, you can be sad but you have nothing to feel guilty about. You did not do this to your son. Your son has made poor choices that have led to him being kicked out. You kicked him out for good reason.

    I know it may not seem like he cares but he does. My son has not acknowledged me for my birthday, Mother's Day, Christmas or any other holiday in years, at least 6 or 7. I know that my son loves me, he just doesn't show it in the way I wish he would. I'm sure it's the same for your son. Our Difficult Child's are just not able to see past their own selfishness.

    It's very unfortunate that he is making the choices to burn through this money but it's his choice.

    If anything else is delivered for him at your address, you might want to consider marking it "return to sender - no longer resides at this address"

    Is there any way you can get some type of injunction to stop him from getting this money?

    You may want to visit your Dr. and have him/her write a prescription for a sleep aid.

    Most of all do not blame yourself. Your son's choices are his alone. You have done all you can for him, you raised him with love, morals and values.

    It's time to concentrate on yourself. Do not define your life by your son.

    All that you have been through shows that you are a survivor, you will survive this too.

    :group-hug::group-hug::group-hug:
     
  3. SeaGenieTx

    SeaGenieTx Active Member

    THANK YOU ALL - I appreciate all responses. Every comment helps me so much. ♡
     
  4. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry you are going through this. The best thing I can say is, I don't believe for one minute he's gone for good. I remember how it felt the first time my son said he was leaving. I thought I'd die right there. I remember I was cleaning a horrible rug stain (one of his friends had vomited on our carpet and left it) and did my best to stay calm for the most part as he walked out the door. Then I bent double on the carpet and sobbed.

    That was the first time.

    The last time we put him out and again, I thought my heart would literally break. I lived.

    You have gone through so much, you must be very strong. You will survive this and I do believe it will get better. You MUST, however, remember one thing. You did not cause this. You did not make your son this way.

    Stay here and keep posting. It does truly help.
     
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  5. SeaGenieTx

    SeaGenieTx Active Member

    Lil - so sorry for your pain. It truly is gut wrenching and they are clueless to how bad they hurt us. Thank you for your sharing your story & kind words. I dont feel so alone. (Hug)
     
  6. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    SeaGenie Tx, I'm just so sorry for your loneliness. You've put your energy into him, after losing so many people that you love, and now this. You are completely let down and that is understandable.

    I'll never forget visiting Difficult Child in jail one time, and waiting in the waiting room to be called to the visiting area, where he and I would talk via screen and a telephone receiver.

    The woman at the front desk chatted with me a little bit. She said, who are you here to see? I said, My son. She said: How old is he? I said his age, which was 22 or 23. She kind of laughed (not in a bad way) and said, well, you have about three or four years to go. I didn't understand what she meant, and I said: what do you mean? She said: It takes these guys until about 26 or 27 to wake up.

    There are so many young men doing what your son is doing and what my son did, basically laying around, not launching, using drugs, taking care of #1, ignoring everything and everybody else. It's painful and ugly to watch.

    Also, the more they use drugs, the more catching up there is to do, since the maturity process basically stops during drug usage.

    Today, my son is 26 going on about 19. Maybe.

    But what to do? Your son is out of the house, which I believe is a good thing for you and for him. He must get out there and do whatever he is going to do and then experience the natural consequences of it all, whatever they are. You sure don't need all of that under your roof and your nose. I don't know about you, but it drove me crazy watching the insanity. I finally could not do it, and I kicked my son out, after giving him so many chances to straighten up.

    You need to take those vacation days, get a good friend to go with you, and head for the beach. Or to the mountains to a quiet place. Where you can walk, sit outside, read, take naps, write in a journal, have a nice glass of wine about 5 p.m. everyday, meditate, sit by a lake...whatever brings you peace and contentment.

    Feel your feelings, cry your heart out, and then read Codependent No more, Boundaries, Al-Anon literature like the daily devotional Courage to Change or One Day at a Time.

    So what if you son blows through his inheritance? it's a waste and a shame, and he could be truly launching with that money, but short of your intervention, there is nothing you can do about it. If there isn't, just accept that it is what it is.

    Build your life with other good people, good pastimes, good thinking, new hobbies and projects, when you are ready. I know and I understand that you have to process all of this first, your own feelings and strong disappointment, feelings of guilt (you did nothing to cause any of this), shame, helplessness, grief, despair, fear. You have to walk through the grief process. But you will come out on the other side.

    Be very kind to yourself right now. I used to take a nap every single day during the hardest times. I had to. I couldn't function, I was so exhausted and depleted with my pain and grief. And I had to support myself, so I would work for a few hours, lie down for an hour or two and get up and work again into the evening for more hours. I had to really pace myself. I cried and cried and cried. And then I cried some more. I was terrified about his life and his safety. You have to walk through all of this, and then you will come out on the other side, you really will.

    And there is a life of peace and joy and contentment on the other side, regardless of what he does or doesn't do. You can find this life.

    We're here to walk with you. We get it, and we care.
     
  7. SeaGenieTx

    SeaGenieTx Active Member

    Childofmine...you are my hero. If there was ever a day I needed to hear kind words like what you just wrote..today is the day. Thank you. I agree with everything you said and intend on moving forward. I am going to really focus on my life. Ive got to. My son cannot keep causing me so much pain. I deserve to live my life now. Ive paid my dues. I just cannot deal with his mistakes and bad choices anymore. Your words are gold. Thank you my friend!
     
  8. SeaGenieTx

    SeaGenieTx Active Member

    Ok I need to know what to do now that he is back in town. I can see his bank transactions and he took a Greyhound bus from San Antonio to here. He bought a sandwich today nearby and used Uber. Have not heard from him yet. In the past I have usually caved in and called him to check up on him. Not doing it this time. With locks changed he is out there with just his suitcase. Im scared because I have no idea what his state of mind is. If he will show up high and want to pick up his stuff or call wanting to come home. I can play this game forever - he will have to couch surf. With it being Friday (party night) he is most likely shacked up with a buddy and they will go out to the clubs or get high at a friends. What do I do if he calls? Im mentally exhausted from him and a long week at work. Then again he might not ever contact me again. Im so tired - I am going to just let God handle it. I need sleep.
     
    Last edited: Aug 7, 2015
  9. Sherril2000

    Sherril2000 Active Member

    I'm so sorry you're going through all this. I'm sure you are a great mom, & deserve so much better. My son has also put me through so much. Running awY, juvenile delinquency, now in jail for robbery. I will tell you what a counselor once said to me. Would you allow anyone to treat your children the way you treat yourself? I'm sure the answer is NO! I know mine was. Little by little I'm learning. Although I still give way too much. I'm learning to take care of me, & you should too. As moms, we take care of everyone else first, & often neglect ourselves. Maybe I'm crazy, but I cherish my alone time. You've been an incredibly strong resilient woman, & now is the time to do what you enjoy. What is it YOU love to do? Whatever it is, take the time & do it. If you're lonely, a pet can really cheer you up and be a great companion. You've spent enough time giving, giving, giving, so now it's all about YOU! Trust me, I've spent so many years taking care of everyone else, I wasn't sure what to do with- my free time at first. Now I walk on the beach, read, & love to catch up on all the tv shows & movies I never got to watch because I was too tired raising kids & working full time.
    I agree with- what others are telling you. None of this is your fault. Your son is still young & selfish, & he's making his own choices. You've done all you can, now he has to find his way. So many here with much more experience than I have told me boys don't fully mature until the age of 26-28. I really believe this. He will come back to you, he just has a lot of growing up to do. Hugs for your pain. I know this hurts, but remember you're important & deserve nothing but the best!
     
  10. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Your son is doing fine...you are the one suffering. He has money. He does not have to couch surf. He can get a hotel, or from the sounds of the amount of money, even an apartment. He won't be lost or hungry. He really will be okay.

    You need to make sure you are taken care of. If he calls and you are not prepared to talk to him, don't. If he comes by, you do not have to let him in. If he calls wanting his things, you can pack them and put them outside for him to pick up. But more than anything, don't be bullied. This is your home and you are entitled to peace within its walls.

    He may call right away. He may not call for days. Try not to worry about how he is doing...he isn't sleeping on the streets.
     
  11. SeaGenieTx

    SeaGenieTx Active Member

    Lil - You are absolutely right - thank u so much. Needed to hear that ♡
     
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