Trying to stay strong

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Proudmama888, Sep 9, 2015.

  1. Proudmama888

    Proudmama888 New Member

    I'm not sure if I can post on here or not. I am from Ontario, Canada & here, when a teen hits 16 they have so much more control over their own lives than they should. In some respect they are considered adults. To make a long story short, we had to ask our 16 yr old to leave the house. She is angry, violent, steals anything she can, used drugs, doesn't attend school & so on & so on. How did things get this far? Well, she has been diagnosed with PTSD ( recent disclosure of sexual assault by Grade 3 teacher), she has anxieties, depression, one psychiatrist said Bipolar & borderline personality disorder. She was self harming, has attempted suicide several times. We have tried to help her & support her in any way possible. It has come to the point that it isn't safe for her younger brother for her to be here. Unless I was willing to surrender her to CAS before 16, she cannot be forced into treatment. She has to be willing to attend. The saddest part of all is that she has burned all her bridges & is now living in the local Youth Shelter. If she ruins this chance, she will literally be on the streets. My husband has given up on her, says he's done. I am broken. On stress leave from my job. I am so afraid to let her go. I don't know what else to do. I am so afraid for her & what could happen to her!! Help!!
  2. La Mesa Mom

    La Mesa Mom Member

    I, like you am new to this site and hope I can pass on some things I have learned Over the years

    1. You didn't cause it
    2. You can't control it
    3. You can't cure it

    It is up to your daughter to want to get help. You can be supportive but try not to enable. I know it is a fine line we all go back and forth over.

    You need to take care of you! You can't take the stress it is hurting you. Please seek help for yourself.

    It doesn't matter where we are these days. Drugs are prevalent and hurting our families. We need to help each other. Please take care and let us know how you are doing.
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi there. I'm sooooooooooo sorry. This is sad, when our kids turn out this way, but it really isn't our fault. They have minds of their own and the laws are horrible. If a person is mentally ill, literally seems like in the U.S. and Canada we can get help for them unless they are willing.

    There is nothing you can do to change your daughter. Let this run it's course. Sometimes we get pleasantly surprised. Until then, take care of yourself. You have control over you react to your daughter's plight and what you decide to do to make your life enjoyable, in spite of her.

    Hugs for your hurting heart.
  4. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Proudmama, welcome to the forum. I'm so sorry you have had to take this step with your daughter, and of course, you are in deep pain.

    I'm not sure about the laws in Canada, but we are glad you are here. This is a place of support and encouragement and ideas.

    I found with my son that I wasn't going to be the catalyst for his change. If he was going to change, the catalyst was going to come from somewhere or somebody else...other than me. This was a big realization and it gave me some peace.

    We do everything in the world to try to reach them, and nothing works. Over time, many of us come to see that we have to step back. We have to really accept what is in front of us, and realize we can't make another person---even our 16 year old---do anything they don't want to do. This is a tough thing to accept.

    And while we are working on acceptance, we have to learn to deal with our feelings. I used to think feelings were everything. Today, I realize that feelings aren't facts. They are real, and I need to acknowledge them and feel them and process them...but not act on them. This is another learned process and takes time and work. I used to lie in bed every afternoon and cry and sleep. Then I would get up and start again. I felt deep grief, as if my son had died. I was terrified that he would die. I had to accept that thought, welcome it in, feel it, process it, and then work to let it go. For a long long time, I would push thoughts like that away, and the feelings that came with those thoughts, because I thought the pain of it all would kill me. But it doesn't kill us, to feel those feelings. It actually helps us come out on the other side.

    Writing things down is a great tool. I used to sit at the computer and type anything that popped into my head about my son as fast as my fingers could type. It is very carthartic. Once I typed five single-spaced pages and then I printed them out, read them again (sobbing all the while) and then shared them with a trusted friend. After that, I took several steps forward in my own recovery from enabling.

    This stuff is hard. It requires us to change. For so long, everything we have in us is focused on getting them to change. Once we accept that they will change...or not...when THEY decide to change, and not one minute sooner...then we can turn our energy onto ourselves.

    We deserve a life. We are worthy. This doesn't mean we don't love them and won't be there for them if and when they decide to get help.

    It just means we are worth something too.

    Warm hugs this morning. We are here for you. Keep posting.
  5. Proudmama888

    Proudmama888 New Member

    Thank you so much for the words of guidance and support. It's as if you are in my mind!! The pain, the feelings, the grief. I too feel like it is going to kill me.
    I am trying so hard to take care of myself, but finding it next to impossible to not fall apart at the drop of a hat every day.
    Of course she hates me, or at least says so most days. We used to be so close. Its just all so sad. Thank you again for all the responses. There is comfort knowing there are people out there who can relate .
  6. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Welcome Proudmama,

    I am so sorry for what you are going through.

    There comes a point when we as parents have done all we can to try and help our children and we cannot force them to change.
    You have made a difficult decision in having her leave your home and while it may not feel like it, you did the right thing.
    You have another child to think about.

    All you can do now is offer your daughter emotional support and encourage her to seek counseling. You cannot do this for her, she has to want to get help. You have no control over her but what you do have control over is how you respond and how you live your own life.
    One of the best things you can do right now is to step back from all of this and take some time for yourself.

    It may not seam like it now but you can get through this. There are many of us here who at one point didn't think we would ever be able to be happy again but we are. There is always hope.

    ((HUGS)) to you.................................
  7. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Hi and welcome, PM

    Glad you found us.

    We have members who are in Canada, US, UK, and other countries as well. Anyone is welcome!

    Take care of yourself, PM. That is all you can do right now. Take care of yourself, your hubby, and any minor children that you have.

    That needs to be your focus, right now.

    Stay with us.

  8. Proudmama888

    Proudmama888 New Member

    Thank you both for your response & caring words. I am trying. I really am. I guess I have to stop allowing my mind to go to the " what ifs " and stop awfulizing. She just seems so young!! Just turned 16!