Trying VERY hard to follow everyone's advice

[StressedM0mma]

Re: difficult child. She is still in bed as far as I can tell. I went up, and she told me to go away that she can do this. Same thing she said Friday. Guess who was late Friday!! Guess who will be late today? Not seeing her able to get ready to go in 15 minutes. She is sure that it will happen. Not holding my breath over this. She "promised" me she would be on time. How come her promises mean absolutley nothing any more.

 

[buddy]

Hang in there, if she's late, it's on her. Breathe, go outside. Whatever you can do......

 

[buddy]

And, once in the car no lectures, I wouldn't discuss it anymore. Just in case attention is part of it.....

The only rebellion I did as a teen was not cleaning my room. I can remember the intense feeling of no way I'd clean it when my mom brought it up.

I was not a difficult child that they knew of. (I didn't disobey them and got good grades, had friends, activities, etc....they didn't know I had an eating disorder yet)

But, wow, I feel like I can a teeny bit understand the oppositional reaction. I was overwhelmed with the feeling and response that I'd not touch that room when it was brought up. I even told her that. It was so intense, I still remember how that felt. I knew it was wrong.

Don't know if she is at all oppositional, but just sharing just in case.

Hugs......

 

[StressedM0mma]

Oh Buddy that is our major issue is the oppositional. I just went upstairs and she of course was still in bed. Oh I will be on time!!!!!! Please. She is making me so very angry. I have given up so much for her well being and I am just being taken advantage of. But, I guess I am the one to blame for that. Because I let it happen. Going to go start the car.

 

[SuZir]

You are not the one who is late, she is. That is on her, she is old enough and high developmental level enough to manage getting up on her own. No skin off your nose. Keep that in mind and breath in and out slowly. It will be just fine.

This is little like those food battles with toddlers, more engaged parents are, worse they become. Disengaging is the first step to help the situation. With teens it is not food, but very often it is getting up at time.

 

[buddy]

It could be interesting to see what will happen if your response truly changes. Not being passive aggressive ...but just let her know, you've decided to take care of yourself. She has to get to school. No matter what time she wakes. It's on her if that's late. (Yes, you may get letters but document your efforts and keep up the school collaboration etc)

Try keeping the drama low. She finally gets in the car.....talk about the song on the radio.

Just get her there and sit there till she gets out. I might even reduce the pep talks to get her out of the car. She says she can't? Fine, immediately call the guys who have been helping you get her in. No lectures, no reprimand ....just OK, thanks for letting me know you need help.
(Thats a method I learned in a Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) book by the way, thank them for letting you know what needs to be done then do it)

Your modeling how to decrease your stress (won't feel that way inside for a while, but I'm doing this...it does work!)
Can help her too.

Hope you're ok!

 

[TerryJ2]

I agree, you can do this! It's so hard, but it's the right thing to do right now. If she's late, it's her issue. If you have to be somewhere else, just go. Natural consequences.
Expect her to rage and blame when she figures out what time it is. Just don't let it get to you. You are allowed to walk away.

 

[StressedM0mma]

Well, we managed to get there on time. Yay right. Not so fast. She would not get out of the car.

 

[buddy]

And? Did you call the people you've called before?

 

[StressedM0mma]

Yep. And no on showed up!! Nice. So, husband showed up, and talked to her, and let her take an unexcused absence because she wants to make up all of her missing work. (I tried to explain that she will have yet more missing work because she is not there today.) What ever. She is sitting here doing work.

 

[buddy]

Oh I'd be soooo pi$$ed at husband!

And I'd give school the riot act.

Didn't anyone in the office answer?

Here's an idea.

She won't get out? Ok. Fine. We sit here. Don't call husband. He's useless, worse, he fed into it and undermined you right in front of her.

Get out yourself and go sit in the office. Leave difficult child sitting. Let them know she's here, refusing to come in and if they can't help you'll just sit there till school is over.

Would be better if those that were helping you just routinely met her out there. You must be livid.

Document all of this. Did you talk to anyone or leave a message? Document that in case they try to get you for attendance. Name names!

difficult child was taught by husband today that she has all the power. I'd have given her to him and driven off for the day. I'm so sorry.

What happened to back when husband did the mornings with her? He does little else with them, he can rearrange his personal activities. You get one chance to be a dad.

 

[slsh]

Oh - I so agree with- Buddy - though I would never have left my difficult child unattended in a car (would've come back to shredded seats and a chewed on dashboard, LOL). Take a book. Sit and read. DO NOT ENGAGE WITH HER. difficult child knows what she's supposed to be doing. Don't nag, process, or even talk. You've done your job in driving her to school, time for her to do her's. If school staff won't assist - okey-dokey. (Hope you have a really *long* book.) If difficult child is one who tends to go on and on and on - take MP3 or ear plugs.

 

[buddy]

LOL, I've done that...within viewing distance but I've had him lock himself in and do damage. I learned tricks to block him. The best was when he climbed in the driver seat and pushed the horn at a park.......
This difficult child is probably more discrete in public??

I didn't picture this difficult child doing that but maybe.......

 

[StressedM0mma]

Buddy, yes I called into guidance, and told them we were at the back doors like we have done before, and asked for her counselor to come and get her. The *** secretary (who spoke about difficult child to another teacher within difficult child's earshot) said "Oh I don't know where Mr.* is, I will have to look for him." So I asked her to send out whomever was available to get her. I am so not picky. And, we waited. And Buddy, I do not picture difficult child trashing the car. I see her getting out of the car and walking away. That would be my main concern.

All of this started up again after our therapist session on Thurs. Oh well. The day is over. Hopefully tmrw is a better day. --And, I am tempted to "run away from home" for a few weeks, and see how difficult child and husband to just the 2 of them.

 

[STRESSEDTOMAX]

buddy - my difficult child has done the horn thing multiple times....