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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 619961" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Oh, COM. There is no way you would have been able to refuse him, had you not forewarned him that he needed to make alternate plans ahead of time. You did the right and honorable thing. So much of what we do as we navigate these places with our difficult child kids has to do with honor. The things we have to face are so hard that, unless we are very sure we are doing a right thing, and that we are doing it in as ethical and as kind a way as we know, we cannot take the actions we know we need to take, at all.</p><p></p><p>husband and I faced something similar last winter. difficult child daughter was drinking, drugging, homeless. A three day blizzard, with temps plunging way below zero afterword, had begun. She called to have us rent her and the current bad man a room. We had already decided we were not going to help difficult child daughter in any way, told her as much, and told her that she needed to go back to treatment. She called and called, Child. We said no, every time. Finally, we turned the phone off. That night, neither of us slept much. The next morning, we decided to rent some cheap something for her for the month or two until we got home so WE could look at ourselves in the mirror.</p><p></p><p>That is what I meant, by honor. There are some things we just can't do and live with ourselves. It gets not to be about the difficult child at all, anymore.</p><p></p><p>Turned out? difficult child had been blacklisted, in the city, by name, for the things she and her friends had done in the really bad places they had been renting by the week before difficult child ran out of money.</p><p></p><p>difficult child and the bad man survived the storm. </p><p></p><p>We suffer so keenly, we parents. Suffer such anger, such shame and humiliation ~ suffer those who am I really kinds of questions, those what kind of person does this / what is wrong with me kinds of questions ~ terror, nightmares, rage at having been put in this position. Self-righteousness, sometimes. A kaliedescope of emotion, night after night after night, none of it good.</p><p></p><p>If you find you cannot do this, Child, it will be good to have an alternate plan. </p><p></p><p>Taxi at the jail? Take him to one of those places where they rent by the week? Or maybe, three days at one of those places with a kitchen? Somewhere near a soup kitchen?</p><p></p><p>He will not be able to get into a shelter that first night...unless maybe you called the shelter to learn whether he could be allowed in, having just left jail?</p><p></p><p>It's worth trying. </p><p></p><p>It is always good to have an alternate plan.</p><p></p><p>The thing that matters most is that he not move in with you. Whether you pay for a room for a few days near a soup kitchen ~ that's no big deal.</p><p></p><p>Pride is no longer much of an issue, with me. I have to be able to face myself in years to come, or I will be destroyed as surely as I will be if I let the kids walk all over me. I have paid rents and deposits to get my kids to move out, and been so glad they were gone. Again, it gets to be less about the difficult child than it does about trying to navigate these nightmarish situations in a way that does not destroy me.</p><p></p><p>It is a hard thing.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 619961, member: 17461"] Oh, COM. There is no way you would have been able to refuse him, had you not forewarned him that he needed to make alternate plans ahead of time. You did the right and honorable thing. So much of what we do as we navigate these places with our difficult child kids has to do with honor. The things we have to face are so hard that, unless we are very sure we are doing a right thing, and that we are doing it in as ethical and as kind a way as we know, we cannot take the actions we know we need to take, at all. husband and I faced something similar last winter. difficult child daughter was drinking, drugging, homeless. A three day blizzard, with temps plunging way below zero afterword, had begun. She called to have us rent her and the current bad man a room. We had already decided we were not going to help difficult child daughter in any way, told her as much, and told her that she needed to go back to treatment. She called and called, Child. We said no, every time. Finally, we turned the phone off. That night, neither of us slept much. The next morning, we decided to rent some cheap something for her for the month or two until we got home so WE could look at ourselves in the mirror. That is what I meant, by honor. There are some things we just can't do and live with ourselves. It gets not to be about the difficult child at all, anymore. Turned out? difficult child had been blacklisted, in the city, by name, for the things she and her friends had done in the really bad places they had been renting by the week before difficult child ran out of money. difficult child and the bad man survived the storm. We suffer so keenly, we parents. Suffer such anger, such shame and humiliation ~ suffer those who am I really kinds of questions, those what kind of person does this / what is wrong with me kinds of questions ~ terror, nightmares, rage at having been put in this position. Self-righteousness, sometimes. A kaliedescope of emotion, night after night after night, none of it good. If you find you cannot do this, Child, it will be good to have an alternate plan. Taxi at the jail? Take him to one of those places where they rent by the week? Or maybe, three days at one of those places with a kitchen? Somewhere near a soup kitchen? He will not be able to get into a shelter that first night...unless maybe you called the shelter to learn whether he could be allowed in, having just left jail? It's worth trying. It is always good to have an alternate plan. The thing that matters most is that he not move in with you. Whether you pay for a room for a few days near a soup kitchen ~ that's no big deal. Pride is no longer much of an issue, with me. I have to be able to face myself in years to come, or I will be destroyed as surely as I will be if I let the kids walk all over me. I have paid rents and deposits to get my kids to move out, and been so glad they were gone. Again, it gets to be less about the difficult child than it does about trying to navigate these nightmarish situations in a way that does not destroy me. It is a hard thing. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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