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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 708171" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Yes.</p><p></p><p>When I told my son I had thought he did not love me anymore, he felt very bad. He said: <em>who I did not love was myself.</em></p><p></p><p>You see, I think just as we are confused about who they are, anymore, they are confused, too. Because so much of what they are who good and strong, purposeful and constructive, is based upon the foundation of US. We have taken responsibility for so much (for good or ill). They desperately flail (drowning) demanding us to pull them out and punishing us for our incapacity. There is nothing fair about this dirty war.</p><p> Both, I think.</p><p></p><p>Because until they realize the agency is in them, that it is their moral war that needs to be waged, by them and for them, they are WRONG. They are the same, the user and the person. Until he chooses to separate the two. That is what I think.</p><p>Now, this is the terrain where we come to disagree. We agree on the war. But we do not agree on how to wage it. (I do not even agree with myself most of the time.)</p><p></p><p>M is the one who asked me to please allow him to help my son. You see, he felt guilty because he was the one initially 5 years ago that suggested my son would get better if I kicked him out, and he had to, of necessity work and experience real world consequences.</p><p></p><p>What happened, is my son free-loaded. For years he was rewarded by others, who sought to help him, when his bad, bad Mother would not. He lived rent free in San Francisco at a high priced motel for years. He got worse away from us, not better.</p><p></p><p>M wanted to teach him to work. And M wanted to be a family with my son. It was a leap of faith because my son had beaten M up and had called the police on us numerous times to put us in jail. M is undocumented. My son could have caused us a world of trouble. As it was he caused enough. My son was filled with his own importance and entitlement. I think he called the cops on us once because we did not let him turn on the air conditioner, when he was visiting.</p><p></p><p>So, what happened in the course of M teaching my son, was that I learned, too, what family is. That sometimes you have to fight for family. And to suffer. And there is frequently doubt. And the good results are few and far between. But you keep in your head, the result, which must be clear. The goals.</p><p></p><p>Marijuana was not a goal.</p><p></p><p>College was not a goal.</p><p></p><p>The goals? That my son learn and practice constructive acts, and take responsibility for them. That my son learn to create and recreate himself through his good acts.</p><p></p><p>And guess what?</p><p></p><p>It works for me, too. That I am recreated as a person.</p><p></p><p>I know that sometimes I seem obsessed. with this. Which is not necessarily a bad thing: I am recreating myself through this mission. I am saving my own soul. I am rebuilding family, that I did not ever have before.</p><p></p><p>So the process itself for me is the goal.</p><p></p><p>Thank you very much, ladies.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 708171, member: 18958"] Yes. When I told my son I had thought he did not love me anymore, he felt very bad. He said: [I]who I did not love was myself.[/I] You see, I think just as we are confused about who they are, anymore, they are confused, too. Because so much of what they are who good and strong, purposeful and constructive, is based upon the foundation of US. We have taken responsibility for so much (for good or ill). They desperately flail (drowning) demanding us to pull them out and punishing us for our incapacity. There is nothing fair about this dirty war. Both, I think. Because until they realize the agency is in them, that it is their moral war that needs to be waged, by them and for them, they are WRONG. They are the same, the user and the person. Until he chooses to separate the two. That is what I think. Now, this is the terrain where we come to disagree. We agree on the war. But we do not agree on how to wage it. (I do not even agree with myself most of the time.) M is the one who asked me to please allow him to help my son. You see, he felt guilty because he was the one initially 5 years ago that suggested my son would get better if I kicked him out, and he had to, of necessity work and experience real world consequences. What happened, is my son free-loaded. For years he was rewarded by others, who sought to help him, when his bad, bad Mother would not. He lived rent free in San Francisco at a high priced motel for years. He got worse away from us, not better. M wanted to teach him to work. And M wanted to be a family with my son. It was a leap of faith because my son had beaten M up and had called the police on us numerous times to put us in jail. M is undocumented. My son could have caused us a world of trouble. As it was he caused enough. My son was filled with his own importance and entitlement. I think he called the cops on us once because we did not let him turn on the air conditioner, when he was visiting. So, what happened in the course of M teaching my son, was that I learned, too, what family is. That sometimes you have to fight for family. And to suffer. And there is frequently doubt. And the good results are few and far between. But you keep in your head, the result, which must be clear. The goals. Marijuana was not a goal. College was not a goal. The goals? That my son learn and practice constructive acts, and take responsibility for them. That my son learn to create and recreate himself through his good acts. And guess what? It works for me, too. That I am recreated as a person. I know that sometimes I seem obsessed. with this. Which is not necessarily a bad thing: I am recreating myself through this mission. I am saving my own soul. I am rebuilding family, that I did not ever have before. So the process itself for me is the goal. Thank you very much, ladies. [/QUOTE]
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