Tween "dating"

[tiredmommy]

Duckie is in 4th grade and she's becoming increasingly upset about several other fourth graders "dating". Her best friend even declared yesterday that she was going to get herself a boyfriend this week. Now, to be clear, this is dating as many of us remember from middle school/junior high: passing notes, giggles, etc.

I'm glad it's bothering Duckie; she's thinks it's inappropriate no matter how sweet and innocent (so do I, by the way). We've talked about enjoying one's childhood and I even pointed out that these kids are a good three or more years ahead of where they should be. And I asked her what she thought they'd be doing by the time they made it to middle school.

She said she really didn't want to think about that.

These girls are boasting about having boyfriends, like it's a status symbol. Duckie has assured me that she won't start dating yet just fit in... I hope I can trust her.

I'm not going to survive the teen years.

 

[ThreeShadows]

I feel your pain...What was that quote from Monty Python's Holy Grail, the scene in Castle Anthrax? "And now for the oral sex"? It seems to be this generation's way of keeping a "boyfriend". UGH!

 

[HaoZi]

I'm so glad Kiddo is still in the "kissing is yucky" stage of life. She won't even watch a cartoon kid do the cheek kiss or anything.

 

[AnnieO]

That's one of the few things I can say I am glad about... That Jett is behind, in that way... He notices girls, but as he put it... They're not as interesting as video games... WHEW!

 

[shellyd67]

Threeshadows, just today I was at difficult child's baseball practice and a friend of mine told me that her son in 4th grade has a male classmate who loves to tell the other boys that he loves to go down on girls. WHAT I screamed at her ! Holy Cow !

difficult child still tells us he thinks girls are gross but we are noticing extra care with hygiene and he becomes quite red in the face when he runs into a certain girl in his class when we are out and about ...

This growing up too fast just distresses me to no end. When I was in 4th grade (even in 9th or 10th grade) it was note passing, giggles and your bff going up to a boy and telling him that you liked them .

 

[ThreeShadows]

Shellyd, it breaks my heart that our precious children are sexualized so early. Each and everyone of them deserves to have a childhood and feel safe.

 

[tiredmommy]

Yes... sexualization of children. That's the real problem. I hate to blame the parents, but.... I think we (this generation of parents) as a whole are dropping the ball. Our kids (boys & girls) are going to suffer needlessly because parents play "not my child" or think it's "cute" that their 9 or 10 year old is "dating". I'm especially concerned for the difficult children... many have impulse control or hyper-sexual issues already. And then there are the ones with low self esteem that are desperate to fit in. These kids are ripe for abuse from their peers.

 

[AnnieO]

TM - it is the parents' fault - in a way. For caving in. There was an article (I know you commented on it, on fb) regarding teen clothing. Fact is, 35 years ago - in the 1970s - short shorts and tanks and half-shirts were everywhere, but it wasn't sexual at all on kids. I have all kinds of pictures of me as a kid, and no way was that 8-y/o girl sexual at all! (I was a tomboy - loved to help my Dad work on his car - and liked to run around like Daddy, with no shirt on. My parents kind of gave up while I was really little. When I was about 6 or 7 they laid down the law.)

But really, we as parents have to say - no more!

I could go on. But I won't... Now.

 

[DaisyFace]

TM - it is the parents' fault - in a way. For caving in. There was an article (I know you commented on it, on fb) regarding teen clothing. Fact is, 35 years ago - in the 1970s - short shorts and tanks and half-shirts were everywhere, but it wasn't sexual at all on kids.But really, we as parents have to say - no more!

I could go on. But I won't... Now.

Step--

I was just thinking about this the other day. husband put on an old 1970's camp-type movie for the kids to watch...and yes, everyone was wearing the short-shorts and tank tops and the knee-high socks...but nobody's boobs were hanging out... In fact, none of the girls in the film had much by the way of breasts at all....except for an older woman who was supposed to be the "blond bombshell" in the story - and even she only showed a hint of cleavage.

Compare that to ANY television show or movie today. All the teenage girls are just STACKED...and it's IN YOUR FACE! Yikes! And they all dress and behave like these worldly-wise little minxes...

That's quite a standard for our kids to live up to!

 

[AnnieO]

Onyxx tried to argue this one with me once.

"People just have to deal with the way I dress."

...incredulous look... "Yes, and you have to deal with the fact that they won't take you seriously, and probably won't hire you, based on how you dress..."

"They will have to get over it or I will sue them."

...trying madly to keep a straight face... "You do that, and let me know how it works out for you." ...RAN down the stairs to the bedroom trying not to guffaw until I had a pillow on my face...

 

[DaisyFace]

"People just have to deal with the way I dress."

...incredulous look... "Yes, and you have to deal with the fact that they won't take you seriously, and probably won't hire you, based on how you dress..."

And this goes hand-in-hand with the lag in the "equal pay for equal work" movement...

Women in this country have less respect for themselves than ever before. It does not even occur to them to cover up! Or, draw a line when it comes to how far they are willing to go with a casual acquaintence...

Back to the original topic:

If Duckie wants to "date"...make it a "double date" by going out with Mom and Dad. That's what we did...

My son is 12. He has such a huge crush on a particular girl. I talked to the girl's Mom , and we have decided to teach our children a bit about "courtship" by letting them do things as friends and emphasizing getting to know one another. So far, it's all been very platonic...and a positive experience.

I think you CAN use the tween years to teach appropriate behaviors.

I think it's ESPECIALLY important to teach young men to have respect for young women as PEOPLE - not as sex-objects or "conquests".

 

[tiredmommy]

DF- I agree that teaching respectful behavior is key. I need to point out, however, that girls have become more assertive (aggressive?) than ever before in pursuing the boys. Education is needed on both sides of the gender line.

 

[AnnieO]

girls have become more assertive (aggressive?) than ever before in pursuing the boys

NO. JOKE. Sheesh, if I'd been that "assertive" I'd have stalking convictions. Seriously.

 

[dashcat]

Ok, guys, let me give you my take on "it's the parents".

My difficult child has chased boys since kindergarten. She always had an "object of desire". We did not allow her to date until high school, but she did have a "boyfriend" the summer before high school... a boyfriend in that he was allowed to come over and sit in our living room when we were walking around the house and he could eat dinner with us.

She was so relentless in her boycraziness, that other moms tried to keep their kids away from her. Other parents constantly reported back to me and I assured them their children were safe. If we had boy girl play times (neighborhood kids in the very early years), I kept my eye on them. I had to. if I looked away for a moment, she'd have someone in the closet or something. Always claimiing to be innnocent.

We are straight-laced, church going, good parents who did not allow our daugher to watch movies or TV shows that were quesitonable. We were married until she was 15, so it's not like she saw a parade of men/women in the house.

We talked to her, took her to counseling put her in the best private school we could afford, surrounded her with a loving family, exposed her to any kind of girl power situation we could find, watched her like a hawk and prayed constantly.

There was no porn accessible and we had a keylogger on the computer. When she tried to go there, we came down on her like a ton of bricks.

Still, the behavior continued. She would manipulate any situation she could to include a a boy she was intersed in before she aws allowed to date. When we took her cell phone away at age 15 for texting a 28 year old man, she got a secret pre-paid cellphone (whe had no money)_ by manipulaitng a friend. Nothing worked. She is now 19, promiscuous, and obsessed with finding the "perfect relationship".

yes, it is very disturbing to hear about kids as young as 4th grade acting sexual but, please understand, their parents have their hands full and, like most parents of difficult children, are doing everything they can think of.

Dash

 

[tiredmommy]

Dashcat... you're not the type of parent to be at fault.... it's the ones that allow or look the other way when their very young daughters dress sexy, sext other children, act out sexually in hallways, busses and backseats. You knew there was a problem and did everything possible to help the situation. But... I imagine a lot of your difficult child's sexuality issues weren't taken seriously by health care professionals, educators and other parents because she was "Just another boy crazy girl". Your daughter's behavior, while extreme maybe, echoes the very things happening with younger and younger children all the time. And I'm not talking difficult children...I mean easy child's that haven't had appropriate boundaries set.

 

[DDD]

Being a generation older than most of you I was shocked to experience the differnce between "accepted" behaviors in the 90's compared to the 70's. My easy child/difficult child was exceptionally good looking (I didn't create him so I can say that, lol) and starting in elementary girls were after him. husband and I capitalized on his athletic abiity and he was literally at golf, basketball or baseball practice practically every afternoon/evening. It absolutely wasn't easy at my age to "bond" with the parents of his peers but I did a good job. His friends were all from intact, God fearing, diligent families. In middle school there were supervised parties very often. I patted myself on the back, lol. Well....after he was in high school he began to share info about his early teens and OMG some of the straight A sommunity active girls were "pleasuring" him and some where prepared to do "the dirty".

In retrospect there is not one parenting error that I made based on the experts. Not! It's very sad to me.

From my perspective that is a big reason why young adults don't "court" and go thru the steps toward a relationship. I wasn't a perfect teenager by any means but I find the impact of sexuality on little girls absolutely nauseating. DDD

 

[DammitJanet]

Has anyone heard about the fact that they are making padded push up bra's in girls size 7! I could literally get one to fit Keyana when she goes to Kindergarten in the fall. She will really be a size six but I could pull it to its tightest fit. Isnt that just dandy???? Her size 6 bathing suit actually has cups that dont fit flat against her chest. Im trying to figure out if they really think someone that size would have a bust! And yes its a little girls size 6. Its a tankini and the boy cut bottoms fit her perfectly. Its not like its a string bikini.

Now the only boy friend Keyana has is Justin Bieber. She is just figuring out the whole boy friend, girl friend thing. She doesnt quite get marriage because the only people in her life that are married is her mom and her step-father and I doubt she even knows they are. I mean her mommy and daddy werent married, her Grandma Linda isnt married, her brother doesnt have a daddy around, no one else on that side of the family is married. Cory and Mandy arent married, Tony and I arent married. So she doesnt get married. She gets boy friend and girl friend but she thinks its fairly icky.

She doesnt quite understand why people are boyfriend/girlfriend. I am not telling her! My talks go like this: One day Keyana you will grow up and graduate HS, then you will go to college and get a really nice job that you will love very much. Then you will meet a nice man that you will like a whole lot. Then you will get married and after that you can have babies that will be my great grandbabies just like you are Grandma Katie's great grandbaby. And you can bring your baby over for me and Papa to play with it...but thats after you finish college and get married. In that order okay?

LOL.

 

[tiredmommy]

Lol! Our talks with Duckie are quite similar... except we point out a few pitfalls along the way (she's 10 though).

 

[AnnieO]

It's not just the parents who look the other way. Some of them PUSH this. My daughter was having inappropriate clothing bought for her - by her BIO MOM - at age 8. We have receipts we are "supposed" to pay, from Onyxx, age 10, from Victoria's Secret. And we are fairly sure that BM, if she didn't exactly approve, turned a blind eye to what happened later.

And then there's my "niece" B, who at age 12 is 5'7, close to 170-180 lbs (and not obese somehow), wearing a B-almost-C cup bra. She towers over everyone, but she's just a little girl, really. Finding her age-appropriate clothing that fits is a CHALLENGE. I still shop in the juniors' section occasionally (mostly, ick, adult clothing is more respectable, but I can't find jeans in the adult section that fit properly). It's nuts.

 

[DammitJanet]

I made the mistake of using the term: "give Grandma a great grandbaby and she was like, why would I give you my baby? I dont want to give you my baby!" LOL. I had to do a whole lot of explaining about what I meant using that statement. Logic and almost 5 year olds isnt always there.