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Tween defiant & refusing to go to school
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 398885" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Not necessarily. I think this is more complex. Don't just look at the last event, look at what came before.</p><p></p><p>You've been in counselling with your son for some months already because of a combination of defiance (please define this, be specific), procrastination/refusal to get his work done. This is the first obvious symptom. So what is the cause? Kids don't choose to be difficult; there is usually a reason for this sort of stuff.</p><p>Next - in frustration, you get his dad to read him the riot act. Result - classic depressive response. This is warning sign no 2, not no 1. </p><p>Third - school refusal/avoidance. Procrastination gets worse, withdrawal gets worse. Whatever the initial problem, depression and anxiety are now working in a negative feedback spiral and greatly accelerating his problems.</p><p></p><p>I hope the Strattera works for him. It idd not work for my son, but that doesn't mean it won't work in this case.</p><p></p><p>The conversation with his dad was not the cause. However, it did make things worse. Not necessarily because his dad was too harsh, but the timing of criticism from his dad plus from HIS DAD (so it hit him a lot harder than if it had been from you) plus whatever was there to begin with, has led to now.</p><p></p><p>Anxiety and a sense of being overwhelmed can lead to a crippling paralysis when it comes to trying to organise your work schedule. Depression greatly aggravates this paralysis, but the longer the work goes not done, the greater the stress. I would suggest that perhaps what you need to ask the school for, as a top priority, is time with a teacher or an aider, directly working on his overdue work. One-on-one, bit by bit. A tutor if necessary, preferably one who is already part of the boy's schooling system so there is 100% communication between the tutor and the teacher. In our case for difficult child 3, we have been able to use the class teacher as a 1:1 tutor for this sort of emergency. It really can turn around this kind of self-loathing paralysis.</p><p></p><p>Once he can see how to break the work down and do it bit by bit, he may begin to make good progress.</p><p></p><p>Another trick we use - I reward difficult child 3 for half an hour's solid work. I give him a mini-chocolate bar. It gets him over the "where do I begin?" hump. I also reward each stage of completion. We set out the tasks to be done, it's all mapped out, and he gets rewarded for progress at a certain rate. Generally the rewards are computer time.</p><p></p><p>And that is another thing - it's controversial here, but I consider computer gaming to be a coping strategy, to a certain extent. If I refused difficult child 3 all access to gaming, he would not cope. But it does have to be in balance. So the rule is, no gaming during school hours. And outside school hours he has to stop and get his chores done when asked, without argument. We're still working on that one. But he knows we won't take it away from him, which reduces his anxiety to a lesser level, where he doesn't need to be so anxious.</p><p></p><p>I hope you and his teachers can get him some good help.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 398885, member: 1991"] Not necessarily. I think this is more complex. Don't just look at the last event, look at what came before. You've been in counselling with your son for some months already because of a combination of defiance (please define this, be specific), procrastination/refusal to get his work done. This is the first obvious symptom. So what is the cause? Kids don't choose to be difficult; there is usually a reason for this sort of stuff. Next - in frustration, you get his dad to read him the riot act. Result - classic depressive response. This is warning sign no 2, not no 1. Third - school refusal/avoidance. Procrastination gets worse, withdrawal gets worse. Whatever the initial problem, depression and anxiety are now working in a negative feedback spiral and greatly accelerating his problems. I hope the Strattera works for him. It idd not work for my son, but that doesn't mean it won't work in this case. The conversation with his dad was not the cause. However, it did make things worse. Not necessarily because his dad was too harsh, but the timing of criticism from his dad plus from HIS DAD (so it hit him a lot harder than if it had been from you) plus whatever was there to begin with, has led to now. Anxiety and a sense of being overwhelmed can lead to a crippling paralysis when it comes to trying to organise your work schedule. Depression greatly aggravates this paralysis, but the longer the work goes not done, the greater the stress. I would suggest that perhaps what you need to ask the school for, as a top priority, is time with a teacher or an aider, directly working on his overdue work. One-on-one, bit by bit. A tutor if necessary, preferably one who is already part of the boy's schooling system so there is 100% communication between the tutor and the teacher. In our case for difficult child 3, we have been able to use the class teacher as a 1:1 tutor for this sort of emergency. It really can turn around this kind of self-loathing paralysis. Once he can see how to break the work down and do it bit by bit, he may begin to make good progress. Another trick we use - I reward difficult child 3 for half an hour's solid work. I give him a mini-chocolate bar. It gets him over the "where do I begin?" hump. I also reward each stage of completion. We set out the tasks to be done, it's all mapped out, and he gets rewarded for progress at a certain rate. Generally the rewards are computer time. And that is another thing - it's controversial here, but I consider computer gaming to be a coping strategy, to a certain extent. If I refused difficult child 3 all access to gaming, he would not cope. But it does have to be in balance. So the rule is, no gaming during school hours. And outside school hours he has to stop and get his chores done when asked, without argument. We're still working on that one. But he knows we won't take it away from him, which reduces his anxiety to a lesser level, where he doesn't need to be so anxious. I hope you and his teachers can get him some good help. Marg [/QUOTE]
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